Woman with four children, three kids and a husband!?

Question

A new friend of mine has one lazy husband, he doesn't lift a finger to help her in their household. Their situation is kind off troublesome and she often let her frustration and anger out on her kids.

She can yell at her husband cause he had made a mess, but in the end she is the one that cleans up after him!

How did they end up like that?

How can they change?

Answer 1

I'm curious about what makes the kids different from the children.

Answer 2

They ended up like that because she probably thought she could change him or that he would magically change after they exchanged vows and had kids.  They might change with counseling, but they both have to be willing.  If he sees what he is doing, then he might make an effort.  She also has to see that she married a lazy man, so she shouldn't expect him to be anything other than lazy.

Answer 3

well maybe she should suggest to him to help around the house and if he says no then maybe they should get counseling but tell your friend never to take it out on the kids because then when they grow up they will be the same towards their family and sometimes it is not pretty.

Answer 4

I like Shrieking Violet's idea of the holiday to Hawaii!

Unfortunately, if he refuses to accept that there is a problem, there's very little she can do about it except leave him.  If I were in her situation I'd insist on taking him to marriage counselling.  If he refuses, it's an indication that he doesn't value the marriage highly enough.

Answer 5

They should change roles for a week.  She can work outside the home 800 hours one week.  And he can work 59 hours in one day doing all the chores, etc.  Gosh aren't we all overworked!  ;)  

Bottomline-many fathers work monster hours OUTSIDE the home.  By the time they get home, they are wiped out and need to relax.  The mothers typically work less hours OUTSIDE the home and thus have more time to do housework.  

At least that was the way it used to be.  NOW both parents work monster hours and ABANDON the children.  

Answer 6

When a man is treated like a child, he becomes one.

Answer 7

I gotta agree with The Mrs and Proud Stepford Wife.  I know when my husband tells me he appreciates me doing something, it makes me feel very good to know that.  When he does something like cook or taking the kids somewhere so I can get a break I thank him for it and tell him how much I appreciate what he did for me.  Instead of complaining maybe she could tell him that she would appreciate it if he would help her a little bit to get things done faster and then they could spend some quality time together with no arguments.  Seems logical to me.

Answer 8

Wow if I had asked a question making women sound like a child that would have been misogyny.

But when a woman sugests that a man is a child it's a ok.

He may be a slob though I doubt the situation is that bad given womens use of exageration when it comes to complaining about men.

There I guess I am a misogynist now.

I wonder if the woman mows the lawn or helps with household repairs would she be a lazy child if she did not help him?

They can change by dicussing it like adults and as for how they got that way there is no way of knowing.

Answer 9

beating around the bush doesn't add up to much at the end of the day.

I believe she should find out what the real problem is, the husband can only be acting like that for a reason.

and then talk to him to explain that she can't handle it all by herself.

Answer 10

Ow, I don't think this scenario is that uncommon.....

The only people I feel sorry for in this situation are the children.

I have known women like this.... who whinge and complain but do it anyway! I just stopped visiting them when I realised they were never going to make changes to improve the situation. It's too frustrating - They are their own worst enemies!

I agree with the answerer above who suggested she take off on a holiday for a week or two and let him figure out how to make toast in the morning... but I bet you a million bucks she won't do it.

Answer 11

She needs to go to Hawaii for two weeks with a friend.  Leave the husband to cope with it all.  He'll be kissing her feet upon her return.

Seriously, from the very beginning the situation was set to implode.  I mean, who has three (or four) kids and no help?  How do you get yourself into such a mess and where's your brain?  How many kids do you need to churn out before you figure out that this just ain't workin' and that bringing yet more children into the world is totally insane?

It sounds to me like this couple walked into marriage and parenthood with their eyes closed.  No doubt the families from whence they came were equally chaotic, dysfunctional and abusive.  Its all these people know.  The kids are lowest on the totem pole, so they bear the brunt of their parent's anger.

Whether they stay together or not, these individuals are in need of long-term mental health care and parenting classes.

Answer 12

Have they actually ever discussed this? I don't mean her yelling while he watches tv and ignores her, I mean set aside 15 minutes for her to tell him, in the absence of kids, the tv and other distractions ~ maybe over a glass of wine and a nice meal ~ that she is unhappy about his behaviour and would like him to change.

Because if they have never discussed it, and he has never agreed to change, he has no intention of doing so.

And really, why should he ~ he knows she'll yell for five minutes, he'll ignore her and then she'll do it anyway. He probably figures she enjoys yelling or is a 'nag'.

She should talk with him, and she should stop doing  the tasks.

As long as she whinges and continues to do it, nothing will change.

Cheers :-)

Answer 13

I don't feel sorry for women in this position.

I mean..it just blows my mind, when a couple fails to talk about gender roles and equity before marriage and procreation.

In my relationships, I make sure my ideals align with my guy's. That is, he also believes that if both partners work, both contribute more or less equally to the domestic duties, etc.

It sounds like your friend has a more egalitarian mindset, while he has a traditional one. The implications for incongruence are huge.

Answer 14

The Mrs is right, a man will only participate in the housework if he feels like he will be appreciated. Tell your friend that if she begins to encourage her husband in various things, he might begin to help her out in the house because he feels like it will be VERBALLY appreciated. Yelling at him will only make things worst. She needs to lift him up in everything and tell him that she appreciates the things he does for their family(even if they are few). People, no matter what gender, work better when they get praise for doing it.

Answer 15

don't mean to be rude, but how is it your business?

Answer 16

counseling.... Do they both work?

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Guess 1 using model they both work: His lack of motivation may be a sign of depression(see a councilor) but either way in order to have a healthy home life he needs to help out around the house more equally.

Guess 2 using model she works part time: They still need to see a councilor and he should help out when it is most efficient(maybe not as much where there both working but still ) and once and awhile at least once a month they both have a day off separately to relax(on different days).

Even if it is for a few hours. Take the kid's to the park, fishing.. something because stressed out parents are parents not at 100%.

Guess 3: She is a stay at home he works full time: Still counciling but when he get's home he should get a 1 hour cool down period then afterwards he watchs the kids and stuff for an hour or a bit more so she can relax a bit(take a nap,bath or read a book).

Either way counciling and some kind of burden sharing and cool down times.

+ once in awhile see if a family member(grandparents) can watch the kids for a weekend or even one night so they have some alone time togethor.