Women: Would you intentionally deceive your partner in order to have a baby?

Question

My wife and I are waiting to have kids until we are in a better financial situation. Too many kids are born into struggling families and it's not fair to them. Everyone we talk to always says "You'll never be financially ready." I disagree.

Although we're not actively trying to have a baby yet, my wife still feels the material urges and talks about it all the time at work. Every woman she talks to says she should go off birth control without telling me. EVERY SINGLE WOMAN.

Aren't relationships built on trust anymore? My wife and I have a very trusting relationship and open and honest communication. She could never do anything like that to me, and if she did it would be completely devastating.

Do most women feel that it's entirely up to them when to have a baby? If they do it through deceitful means, men should be given every right to walk away.

Answer 1

The women you've talked to aren't good people. It has nothing to do with "maternal urges" just character and principles.

As a man, I would divorce anyone who deceived me in that manner, regardless of my feelings for them, because trust is the foundation of a relationship, and unprincipled people should never be trusted. Would you trust in a business situation someone who deceives their business partners? A family is like this, only trust is even more important. Further, if my wife were to do this, because I would know with certainty she is a bad person I would attempt to take her to the cleaners and spend tons of money on lawyers to make sure she gets as little as possible resource-wise out of me in the future (regardless of the current cost to myself). I believe very strongly in good ethical and moral actions, and that bad people should be punished. This is the same reason we have a justice system, laws, protection of the weak, morality, compassion, and so forth. Those who abuse the system deserve nothing.

On the positive side, good job for keeping communication open. If she wants a baby she should communicate with you, and you with her, making sure both parties feel free to express whatever they want. If your wants aren't totally compatible then you should discuss how important these wants are and what the priorities are. Because wants are not equivalent to needs, and having a family may be a strong priority for her, but maybe not at this particular year. If your needs aren't compatible then you should reconsider your priorities and figure out where the relationship is going, but certainly she can't improve upon the situation by unilaterally deceiving you and destroying trust. As I said as a matter of principle I wouldn't accept deceitful people, I think it is very good to make clear one's position, because I am clear where I stand people have little incentive to deceive me and don't get away with it.

Financial security is certainly possible. Many people from very different backgrounds believe it isn't possible simply because they have gotten accustomed to not living within their means, and not saving a high percentage of their income. This is due to lack of discipline. Just like you need to eat right and exercise to be physically healthy, you need to spend less than you earn to be financially healthy. This is possible for people from a wide variety of socioeconomic classes (except maybe the lowest income levels if you have already had too many children), since it's always possible with discipline to improve your financial situation by becoming financially literate and not making rash decisions.

Children in a family that has little conflict due to unresolved financial issues will be much more stable and emotionally healthy than a family riven by conflict over spending money. My parents fixed their conflicts over money, and went from wanting to get divorced to being very happy with each other again. Money is one of the main conflicts in relationships, it should be communicated about openly, and any problems should be addressed.

Spending does not automatically expand with your expanding income -- this is like saying your weight will automatically expand just because you cannot control your appetite. I saved 80% of my income for the last several years, and invested it all prudently in different risk classes, giving me not only future spending power, but additional funds as my investments pay interest. Not to mention future career flexibility, as I am free to go back to school if I choose and will not need any loans.

Best of luck!