Women and babies - Ethical question?

Question

I have a friend who is not in a relationship with a man, but wanted a baby. She is already a single mother and quite a strong, career-minded character, very capable, and a wonderful mother.

She is in her early 30's and wanted another baby, so she went out, picked up a guy she liked, and got herself impregnated.

The thing is, she had no other use for this guy besides his sperm donation.

I am all for women having babies on their own if they chose to... It's totally their decision and I respect that. But, I have a problem with the ethics of this situation. I am not sure if she told him she was on the pill (not that he should trust that anyway!), or whether they simply had irresponsible unprotected s*x.... My concerns are of an ethical nature.

At least if a woman wants to use a sperm bank, this is an absolutely ethical practice since the sprem donor's give informed consent, but in my friend's situation, this guy did not give informed consent for her to use his sperm in order to become pregnant.

Is this fair?

Don't get me wrong, I do think this guy does not get off scott free - Obviously he was irresponsible here as well - I mean, if a guy choses not to use protection himself when he has casual s*x with a girl, he can not possibly claim no responsibility in this or complete surprise at a resulting pregnancy! But he should at least be made aware of the fact, right?

Also, I do know there are billions of cases where a girl becomes pregnant and the guy very conveniently choses to 'disappear' and have nothing to do with it.... And it does seem that guys have more of a choice of how to deal with unexpected pregnancy. But this issue with my friend has me at real odds with the situation and I really can't say I agree with her behaviour.

What do you think?

Answer 1

Wonder what would happen if the guy finds out and decides he wants to raise his child.

Obviously the woman has No right to deny him.    So there could be a very ugly custody battle and she may wind up never seeing the kid again,  and she'd have no one to blame but, herself.

Answer 2

It is certainly a tricky situation.

The only way I think it would be sound on ethical grounds would have been if she'd put all her cards on the table and told him,

" Look, I want to have another baby.But I don't want to use a sperm bank  because (fill in reason). I want you to get me pregnant the old fashioned way. Don't worry. I don't expect you to be a father to the child or pay child support. I'll take care of everything. All I ask is that you have a brief doctor's visit to make sure you're clean. I'll do the same. There. Now you know the details. Are you in?"

Is it likely your friend used this level of candor?

Answer 3

In my opinion, your friend was wrong. He did not give consent, and she knew what she was doing. Now this man is going to be a father of a child he doesn't even know exists. Imagine when the child wants to know who their father is. What will the mother tell her child?

Answer 4

If her intent was to become pregnant and she didn't let the guy in on it, then yeah - I have a problem with that. I hope she doesn't make him pay for it, literally. Granted, as you said - he was irresponsible too for not using protection but he shouldn't be held accountable for premeditated actions on her part.

Answer 5

I think your friend was really wrong.  Honestly, she was very unsafe when it comes to STDs.  Maybe this man would want to be an active father in his child's life.  Many women pay a great deal of money for specific sperm at sperm banks.  Your friend was very classless about the whole situation.  If the "sperm donor" ever finds out he could have himself a fairly large lawsuit against her.  If I was on the jury, I would find your friend guilty and heartless.

Answer 6

honestly, I think your friend is a selfish *****.  No thought or consideration to the child who will be raised without a father, no thought or consideration tot he child she already has (who I hope to God is not a girl, cuz look at that freaking fabulous job of role modelling she's doing), and no thought or consideration for the 'sperm donor', who she can technically go after for child support after she decides that her DELIBERATE act of deception is just a wee bit too expensive.  I detest women who do this.  They are exactly the reason so many men mistrust women.  I pity her kids and the poor men who were duped by her.

EDIT:  I could not have missed the point when you failed to provide all the salient information.  Don't attack me for not being able to read your mind.  If she was left while pregnant than yes, the father is a jerk.  This does not, however exhonorate her or otherwise justify her actions now.  And no, she cannot be a "wonderful mother" if this is the example she is setting--"I want it so I will take it and d**n the consequences to anyone else".  What she is doing is STILL not okay.  You reference men who, by your own words, do the same thing and you villify them(we are in agreement here, at least), while in the same breath spout off about how wonderful this woman is as a parent.  You can't have it both ways.

EDIT:   You asked a question of ethics.  Your language very clealy intimates your standing on this issue--you think you're friend is in the wrong, but you still think the man has culpability or responsibility because of the unprotected s*x issue.  Okay, I still find your friends actions to be unconscionable and totally lacking in any moral fiber.  Thats just me.  Maybe my verbiage wasn't as clear as it could have been.  Here is, very clearly, my opinion on how this carries to men mistrusting women.  It lies in intent.  Her INTENT was to deceive.  Her INTENT was to choose a man, sleep with him and her INTENDED result was pregnancy.  She did not INTEND to tell him of her plan, or, I gather from what you say, his impending child. You yourself say you don't agree with her behavior.  Good for you!  At no point did I ever say that this specific scenario is the basis for all male/female discord.  What I said--or let me be very clear, the spirit of my words was that -women such as this, who are deceitful and manipulative play a big role in some men's attitudes of women, that they are disloyal and untrustworthy.

Answer 7

I think it is wrong to bring a child into the world without the benefit of a father, at least to do so knowingly. Yes, there are many women who have successfully raised children to adulthood without a father, but the child should at least have the chance to have a father unless the man is abusive, or psycho or something.

and yes, this man should have been told he was being used as a sperm donor. As you stated, sperm donors who "deposit" into sperm banks have informed consent. This guy did not.

The entire situation is unethcical, in my opinion.

Answer 8

Your friend was so wrong! If she wanted another baby, she could have gone to a sperm bank. She's denying a man his rights to fatherhood! What's she going to tell her kid when it's all grown up? You've never had a father because I didn't tell him about you? What a terrible thing to do! If she wanted another kid, go to a sperm bank, don't take away a man's right to know his kid, and also her child's rights to it's father.