Women only, please help! dilemma is moral, financial, emotional.?

Question

here's the situation: i have been married for 5 years to a man (17 years older) who moved out a year ago and went to california. since that time, he has been working, has been financially supportive and has been paying off debt. now, here's the clincher: after living with him for 4 years, i discovered that everything about his past is a lie...pathological, in fact. example: several significant scars on his body were explained as wounds from the war in viet nam (they were really surgeries from childhood)..in fact, i found out he never even went to viet nam..he said he was a navy seal (again, a lie). he said that he wrote buddy holly's first song (another lie). the list goes on and on. it took 4 years to discover all these lies. he was diagnosed as bipolar about 2 years ago and has taken medication to treat that--but wait--there's more: he never wanted s*x, was impotent, and didn't admit until 3 years after we were married that he had been for many, many years and didn't care.

Answer 1

You are using each other.

If the marriage was never consumated, it might be legally null and void, depending on where you live, or you could have grounds for an annulment.

Answer 2

If you are asking whether or not it is in your best interest to stay with this man, then I would say--for both you and your son--to get out.

The situation seems complicated; he seems to be too dishonest to establish a healthy relationship.

Is that the kind of model of a relationship you want for you child?  

If your answer is "no," then, get out.

Answer 3

You used him to be a sugar daddy for you and to get a "daddy" for your son and he used you - you both used each other i think you should file for a divorce-im sure you will get some of your bills paid off, child support and maybe alimony but then again you said you didnt have s*x with him so maybe not

Answer 4

Many of the medications for Bi-polar diminish the s*x drive.  It is a serious disease, and I commend you on your understanding.  If it is not harming your child to have this man in your life, and you can live without s*x, then wait until he pays off the debt.  Does he satisfy you sexually in other ways besides intercourse?  

If you got a divorce would he continue to pay on the debts if you continued to be his friend.  That is all you really are now???

Answer 5

He sounds like an a*s, if you like I can fly you over to England by my private jet to stay in my castle and we can talk about it some more.

Answer 6

To me, I see no dilemma. All I see is that you must get away from this crazy dude as fast as possible. This problem is NOT saving your son from upheaval. It's very bad for him to see you being treated like this, and acting like this, and treating your husband like this. It's an unhealthy situation and you need out of it. Any positive feelings you have for him are  unhealthy to have, given his  very messed up state. You're supposed to do your thinking with your brain, not your heart. Your son is getting a terribly skewed view of male/female relations, and if you don't start setting him up with a positive example, you might be causing him to model your dysfunctional behavior.

Answer 7

I would have been suspicious a lot sooner than that. Are you saying you were married for four years with no s*x?

Answer 8

People have different types of marriages and no-one has any right to criticise you or your husband if the way you live is working for you.

If you want to stay married to him until your son is independent, and he's ok with that, there is no problem.

But make sure your son knows at least some of what is going on ~ for example that his adoptive father loves and cares about him, but is a sick man with many problems.

And get yourself some skills and a part time job, it will make it easier when the time comes to draw a line under the relationship.

This guy sounds good at heart but with many problems. Pathological liars often have psychiatric issues and it sounds like you and your son are his rock.

If that's what he wants, and you are prepared to give it, there's no harm in that, as long as you are both honest about your feelings and intentions.

You are not seeing others outside the marriage, and neither is he. He is financially responsible and you are not leeching. You both have a son whose welfare you care about.

50 years ago your situation would not have been grounds for a divorce, and there is no reason it should be today unless you want it to be.

If nosy parkers want to know, tell them your husband has a job interstate ~ it's not even that uncommon!

On the other hand, you are in no way obliged to be the support person to his life if you do not wish to be. If you want to divorce and move on, you have every right do so ~ however, be aware you will need to deal with custody issues  etc, and the situation may not be amicable given your husband's issues.

Good luck and best wishes :-)

Answer 9

Okay, but what is your question?

Edit: Only you can answer this question but it doesn't sound like you have a husband. It sounds like you have a keeper.

Edit one day later: Personally, I would never want to give up s*x.

Answer 10

It looks like your marriage is over in any case so it would probably be best if you insisted that the 2 of you discuss divorce and what is the best outcome for both of you.

If he says he doesn't want a divorce and you know you do, than you just have to tell him that staying married is not an option.

If there is a reason he does not want a divorce now and it seems reasonable to you than maybe you can talk about a time frame for getting divorced. You can be seperated first. But if he isn't thinking realistically than you have to be firm.

The bipolar disorder and the lies and the sexual dysfunction are serious and no one can blame you for wanting a divorce.  It isn't fair to you to stay in a messed up marrage because you didn't know of this and it wasn't what you agreed to deal with. Hopefully he can get help for his problems and hopefully you still care and can be encouraging.

As for dating, I don't see a problem with it ethically as long as you make it clear what your situation is to who you see.

But definately I think you need to make it clear to him that you don't want to be married and you won't be. Good luck and I hope it comes out well.