Women: would you feel upset if your husband unexpectedly requested a paternity test for your child?

Question

Unlike women, men face paternal uncertainty when a woman they've inseminated gives birth. We live in a world where approximately 1 of 10 newborns are not raised by their blood father (cuckoldry). Thanks to modern technology, it's also a world where technology has also produced reliable, cheap (~$99) DNA tests. Paternal uncertainty is a significant risk factor for infanticide, child abuse, and homicide (see Daly & Wilson's 'Homicide' for more details), so it is perhaps in the best interest of the parents and the child to seek out a DNA test that confirms or denies paternity in order to appease the father.

Would that request, whether or not he is certain you have not been promiscuous, upset you or cause you to lose trust in him? Would you find this to be potentially harmful to your relationship?

Answer 1

I'm a female who would quite happily take the test.  It's a strange, strange world that seems to be founded more and more on lies, so I think that if this test will help my husband feel sure about SOMEthing, that's great.  I would never be offended.  That's what love is, gals -- let's not keep trying to second-guess what our husbands are thinking, and why they're thinking it, and who put that idea into their heads, etc. etc.    If we are sure anyway that hubby IS our child's father, there is no problem, right?  and also, we've proved yet again to him that he is our "one and only"!   Cheers.

Answer 2

That could never have happened in my own married life because our daughter always looked so much like and took so much after my husband - and NO, there were NEVER any other possibiilities - that I used to tease him with, "I KNOW she's YOUR kid, but sometimes I wonder if she's MINE - and I'M the MOTHER!"

OF COURSE I would have been upset if such a thing HAD happened!  If a couple hasn't established a workable degree of mutual trustworthiness within the time it takes to create, develop and bear a child, then what DO they have going for them!?!

If a man has realistic reasons to doubt his wife's fidelity and STILL makes the decision to continue living with a woman whom he considers to be THAT untrustworthy, then he should be willing and prepared to just accept her children as his own for raising whether they are biologically his or not.

If he has NO reasonable base for empty suspicions, but plagues her with them, anyway, then SHE would be better off without HIM!

In either case, it would be counter-productive and unnecessarily emotionally enturbulating for both of them!

Paternity tests have their value in divorce settlements, but WHATEVER the outcome, in an ongoing, continuing relationship, they have far too much potential to cause more harm than good.

Answer 3

No.  I would gladly do it.  I don't think he would ever request it considering our kids look just like him but if he did I would gladly consent to having our children tested.  I would rather he know, even if a child somehow wasn't his, than he be uncertain and conflicted about his feelings.  I think no knowing would cause more stress to a familial relationship.

Answer 4

We know the ultimate reasons for cuckoldry here, but there application to proximate living is problematic at best.

Better to be sure you are not marrying a women who uses you for resources and cuckolds you to improve the genetic outcome of her progeny.

Answer 5

I realise that when couples marry, in the early years they tend to do all their straying and also have their babies.

           Now that we have the technology to determine the real father I see no reason to withhold that information from the said fathers who require proof. Older grown up children are wary of doing a test for fear of what it will show. IE. A brother may find out that his lovely sister is not his sister, or vice versa. Or his mother may be getting on a bit and it would kill her if the truth came out. I believe that the truth should be known at childbirth. It would save a lot of heartache.

PS. And what about grandchildren and great-grandchildren who believe they come from a long line of Delgatto's or Maher's who find out late in their lives as I did, that my real father was a Spanish merchant seaman.

Answer 6

I see alot of emotional answers, but what about the legal issues ? How fair is it that if my wife has an affair, and I DON'T get a paternity test, and it turns out the child is not mine, I am still legaly responsable till that child is 18.

Answer 7

Paternity should be stipulated at birth with DNA. What the h**l use is a birth certificate that gives out wrong information to the owner of same. And now that marriage is on the decrease, DNA testing is more than ever a must for the future.

Answer 8

quite a few men have found out that they are not the father of their so-called children, so I would expect that more than a few men have reasons to be sus.

my former partner found out through a paternity test that his 'daughter' he raised for 12yrs wasn't his, although his ex-wife called both he and I lying b******s, even with the test results in her hand.  He was still liable for the childs financial well being and didn't think of her as anything but his daughter, but he did feel betrayed.

personally tests should be done at birth, for medical and financial reasons.  that and microchipping kids.  now if Maddie McCann had a microchip.....

Answer 9

Only one answer:  A suspicious  mind is made from a guilty conscious.

Answer 10

If he had any sense he'd do the test without telling me. I'd recommend that to any man. You'd know, and not mortally insult your missus.

But I respect that you should know for sure, not like that poor sod who's wife was a total ho and only one of their four kids was his. The courts are still chasing him for child support.

That man should get all the money back that he paid out when he thought he was their daddy..

Answer 11

What's most interesting is that 99% of women here would have a major problem if the man asked for a paternity test from HER, but would have no problem asking for a paternity test from HIM if needed to collect child support.

Answer 12

No I would do it to prove his doubts are wrong and make him see that what we have is true.. and I would understand for exactly the same reason you mentionned.

Answer 13

To what end would the information be used?

The courts have held that a male is the parent even if the DNA proves otherwise. This is based on being in a marriage, providing for the child and so on. So a test may prove infidelity but that doesn't let a man off the hook for child support.

The other problem with raising the DNA question is what my wife has told me: "You got to sleep sometime."

Answer 14

I think that my gut instinct would be upset. However, I would have no problem with doing so, and it would not harm my relationship from my perspective. I have told and will tell any male friend or family member to ask for a paternity test. It is just common sense nowadays.

I can see why a woman who does not understand, or can not put aside her feelings for the benefit of others, and her child, could feel hurt to the extent that her feelings could ruin a potentially good relationship.

I can also see how a mans intentions for the paternity test could ruin a potentially good relationship. If a man just wants to be positive, because you just never really know someone, it is one thing. If a man wants to know because he doesn't trust the woman, then the relationship was not solid to begin with. There are also men who want the test, because they are hoping that there is a chance it is not their child, because they don't want to take responsibility for their actions.

If it is one of the last two reasons, then I can also see how a woman would be upset, and does not necessarily have to do with the test, in the first place. However many people do not understand their emotions enough to realize this.

Answer 15

i would be very upset! because that just shows he doesnt trust me.