Won't give us her baby unless we agree to open adoption?

Question

My husband and I were just contacted by a young girl we both know very well in our neighborhood. She is 15 years old and pregnant with her second child. We were orginally suppose to be adopting her first born child but due to complications, the child was never brought to term and we suffered a great heartbreak. Anyhow, she is pregnant again and wants us to adopt this child. Both my husband and I are ecstatic but there is one problem -- she said she won't agree to this adoption unless we agree to an open adoption. My husband and I do not want an open adoption -- we do not believe that we should have to share "our" child with their birth parent(s). I know it sounds crude but once the parent(s) give up their rights, why should we send them pictures, letters etc showing them what they could have had? We would really love the opportunity to adopt this child but we aren't sure what to do. Any suggestions?

Answer 1

She did that to her first child?  She should be in jail.....

Answer 2

I think you're being selfish...in your statement about pictures...and what she would've had...maybe she should go with someone else who won't mind sending pictures...or care for the child herself...why shouldn't she get pics...because you don't feel comfortable...whatever...as far as you guys not wanting her to parent children and pointing out all her faults...have you looked in the mirror to fix your own faults...and have you forgotten she is only 15 yrs old...and what do you plan on telling this child when he/she asks you questions...I get the feeling you might make her out to be evil...with the way you speak of her now...so much judgment on her from you....

ETA....if there was some truth in that..I'm sure the state would have been all over this...you can't believe everything....or maybe this is false accusations from someone that wants this baby so badly she will go to any level....and if the concern is there.. then maybe someone can social services and get this young girl geared in the right direction...which is to parent this baby...I'm don't have faith in social services..but I don't trust someone who is going to do nothing...but run this girl in the ground...this woman isn't looking out for the girl...she's strictly in this for the baby...and to the lady that posted this...if she's your neighbor then she's in your life no matter what..you're worried about pics etc...but not worried she might become a peeping tom...to get a glimpse of her baby?

Answer 3

Stop being selfish and judgemental. You're willing to adopt a child...but only on your terms??? And eventually "your" child is going to want answers about his/her biological family. How hard is it to send pics and letters. It would take you at the most 5 minutes a month or every six months to give piece of mind to a family who had to give up their child.If you don't want to disclose your address exchange e-mails or send the information through the adoption agency. It doesn't matter what the circumstances surrounding the adoption are. You and your husband should not be threatned by biological family especially a 15 year old girl who is so obviously crying out for help.You're being given this amazing gift and oppertunity and you're going to throw it away because you can't spare a few minutes of your time?Being a mother calls for complete devotion and selflessness. If you can't spare a few minutes a year to invest in some sort of communication for your child's future ( he/she will want answers someday) then you don't deserve to be a mother. Don't look at open adoption as a privleage to the biological parents look at it as a selfless investment in your child's piece of mind.

Answer 4

Ive given up 5 of my babies for adoption also I'm pregnant now and will be placing this child up to with the same person who adopted my 2 other sons we have a pretty good relationship he sends me letters and i can fly and see my children once a year i think giving up a baby is the most unselfish thing someone can do and it hurts a lot but you have to think about the baby not youre self i think you could be pretty selfish not wanting to share a few photos here and there what is a photo?you will have the rest of that babys life to be there all she will have only a photo

Answer 5

Really think about this one.  It isn't right to say anything to get a baby and not be ok with the open adoption and pull out.  What does she want exactly?  Pictures/letters/phone calls?  This is not a big deal, really it isn't.

But, if you are wanting a closed adoption, be honest about it and find an agency that can work with you.

Answer 6

The birth mother wants to know that she made the right decision for her child. That her child is happy, healthy and having a better life. It's not "showing them what they could have had" it is showing them that they made the right choice.. If it is something you are not comfortable with then don't do it.. I'm sure there will be another baby for you two to adopt in time..

Answer 7

Your question line says it all.

Won't give us HER baby unless we agree to open adoption?

NOT YOURS. Not until the adoption is finalized. HER child until SHE makes the choice to relinquish and carries through with it.

Entitled fool.

Answer 8

I know this isn't the answer you are looking for, but if you had the choice of no child or sending a few pictures to someone, in the end, which is better?

It isn't showing them what they could have had. You are showing them how happy they have made your life, and how the baby they gave birth to is having a good life.

Answer 9

I think if you go forward with this girl, you're going to open yourselves up to loads of problems.  Obviously you're anxious to adopt, but your best bet is to do it through an agency, that way things are done more to your terms, because people who give their children up for adoption through an agency surrender their rights and then you don't have to "share" the baby with anyone.  Good luck to both of you.

Answer 10

No one is obligated to "give you" their baby under any  conditions.  It would not be fair to anyone to agree to an adoption plan you have no intention of embracing and committing to.  There are birth mothers who request closed adoption, although few.  However, I think you might want to revisit your attitudes about adoption.  Sending photos and letters is standard and it would be impossible to understand why anyone would be against it.  I think you may be resenting birthmothers, and therefore, maybe you are missing the whole point here.  Join an adoption group and possibly get some adoption counseling before you think about adopting.  Everyone will benefit from it if you do adopt.

Answer 11

I sincerely hope that some day you will look back on this post and be horrified at what you wrote.

You "suffered a great heartbreak" when a neighborhood woman lost her baby. Are you able to comprehend that she might have had some feelings about the tragedy herself?

If you adopt a baby, by definition you will be sharing that child with his or her original family. The DNA in the baby's body isn't going to magically transform into a copy of your DNA. In fact, you might disrupt the adoption, which would sever your connection to the child, but the child can never sever the connection to his or her genetic roots.

Being a parent means putting your child's needs ahead of your own. Until you can do that, you're not ready to be a parent, bio or adoptive.

Answer 12

honestly that isnt just crude it is selfish

you did not have to go through 9 months of carrying that child

you did not have to give birth to it

and you did not have to give up 9 months of your life

and maybe even friends

she could have just killed the baby but instead she is being considerate and unselfish enough to give you and your husband a child. so the LEAST you could do is send pictures and updates on how her own flesh and blood is doing maybe a visit on birthdays christmas's you dont have to tell the child that she is her parent if you dont want to feel like your "sharing" THE child. but if you and your husband know her well at least have her there just as a friend cause it could be HARD to have a baby at 15 you would want to know at least a little of how it is being raised it is called natural attachment it comes when you get pregnant even more then when you adopt

Answer 13

The child isn't born yet, so obviously you haven't adopted the child.  That means this girl is the mother and can make whatever choices she wants with regard to her child.

If you want a closed adoption, you will need to go elsewhere.  I would suggest foster-adoption.  There are plenty of children in foster care whose parents' parental rights have been terminated, so open adoption isn't an option.

I hope that you will also keep in mind that adoption is really about the child. In an open adoption, you will still be the only legal parents.  The natural parent(s) and your child will know one another, but they will not have any parental rights.

Also, even if you end up with a closed adoption,  your child will always have another family out there, whether s/he ever wants to know that family or not.  You need to know someday your child may want to know his/her natural parents, and has every right to do so.  

If you have concerns about the natural parents being in your child's life, you may want to think long and hard about adoption.  The fact is, the natural family does and always will exist, whether they are a part of the child's life or not, and that can't be denied.

ETA:

I meant to also say, since adoption is about the child, your child has a right to his/her truth, including knowing his/her natural parents.  If the natural parents want this, it's fair not just to them, but it's fair to your child.

ETA:

Why should you want this woman in your child's life?  Because it's fair to this child to have some sort of link to his/her natural family.  The natural mother isn't going to be parenting the baby.  It's about pictures and letters and some openness.

Answer 14

don't listen to the people who are saying you are selfish and all that.  i wouldn't trust this girl either. i don't know what kind of complications there were last time, but i wouldn't risk putting yourself through that again.  if she is 15 and has already been pregnant twice i can only imagine the lifestyle that she lives and i can understand why you wouldn't want your child involved with this type of people. i also agree that if they do not want the responsibility of raising this child they should not have the rights to see the child even if it is through pictures. she would probably decide later it was a mistake to give the child up and try to get the baby back.  she will say i was 15 my parents made me do it.  

my mom has 7 kids when i was 11 years old she gave up her parental rights for all of us kids.  which was good she was a miserable drunk and a horrible mother, any ways my 3 youngest siblings were eventually adopted the rest of us lived in different foster homes  --she swears to this day that the state did not follow the proper procedures and  she never wanted those kids to be adopted, the state made her do it-dadadad i thought that when you voluntarily let your parental rights be terminated, you are saying that you really don't mind what happens with this child.  

why would ou want to keep seeing the child?

wow i got many thumbs down... i bet all these people answering this question were irrisponsible teens that got knocked up and chose to give their babies away and now think it was a bad choice or spoiled rotten adopted kids who resent their adoptive parents for not leting their irrisponsible parents ( who at one point didnt want them)play a role in their lives.  

i dont simpathise with this girl either there are ways to prevent pregnancy. like not having s*x at 15 or at least using some form of birth control. i dont care if all these people think that i am crude, it is the truth. if you are wanting to adopt a child i would go else where.  it will be hard for you to see this little life wasted if it stays with the mother, but i wouldnt purposly involve this girl or her family in mine.  and if someone could seriously pay the boyfriend to beat her  @7 months pregnant --i pray the lord has mercy on both of their souls, but i seriously wouldnot want them invoved whatsoever

Answer 15

I wouldn't agree to anything you're not 100% comfortable with especially in this situation.

Personally, I wouldn't want an open adoption either. There is too much at stake emotionally on both ends (and the child's end!) especially with the mother being so young. She doesn't seem very responsible, and allowing her to be in the child's life doesn't seem like a good thing if she wants to give him/her up. I would be afraid that later she would demand the child back or would try to interfere in some way. That's just me.

Perhaps you could try to adopt through other ways, or try to talk to her. Either way, both the parents adopting and the woman giving the baby up need counseling before and after the adoption.

Answer 16

Wow.  This little human being that you all are making decisions about has rights, and hopefully you'll pull your head out and become aware that it's not all about you.  One of these days, that child is going to be old enough to start asking questions.  When you realize "your" child is grieving the loss of his or her parents, what are you going to say?  "Sorry, Junior, but WE'RE your parents.  Those other people just don't matter."  Come on.  If you don't want to "share" a child, then don't freakin adopt!  Adoption = sharing a child.  Period.  Keeping that child from his or her biological family is violating that child's rights.  Do some research on adoption from the adoptee's perspective before adopting, please.  Phil is right.  Your selfishness is evident, and with your attitude, you will do nothing but damage that child.

Answer 17

You child should be told from the very being that she/he is adopted.  Therefore no one could break the news to the child if she/he already knows it.

An open adoption is what is best for the child.  This girl is only 15, she will mature and grow up.  You could be a soft spot for her to fall when she needs help.

If you cannot honor an open adoption then you are not thinking of your future childs needs first.  Therefore don't adopt.  

You just give birth to another baby.  Adoption is not for you.  You must respect the feelings and needs of your childs first mother, thats open adoption.  Please don't adopt this child you will do more harm than good.

Answer 18

Wow.

First of all, I'm really feeling uncomfortable by how much details you have given publicly about this expectant mother.  If this child was to become yours, these opinions that you hold will be absorbed by your child and that is not healthy.  Even in the worst circumstances, that would be your child's other mother you are talking about and that is just not cool.

Secondly, you never ever consider an adoption when you aren't comfortable with the openess arrangement.  If you think you could only adopt into a closed agreement, then you do not discuss adoption with an expectant parent who is considering only an open adoption.  It's not fair to you, nor is it fair to the expectant parent.

Furthermore, no matter how scummy you think the expectant parent it, there should be some compassion for the fact that they will have significant loss when they relinquish their child.  A picture or a small developmental update is the bare minimum of compassion and it doesn't put you at risk of contact when doen through an intermediary.

This question really just oozes with the baby gimmies and a bit of the feeling entitled to having her baby on your terms because you are obviously the better person.  For your future child's sake, I would suggest you examine that message.

Please read this page and the pdf that this page links to, so that you don't exploit this young woman.

http://www.adoptioninstitute.org/researc...

Answer 19

it is the birth mothers right to whatever rules she wants. its her baby until she signs that paper.

Answer 20

You said she lived in your neighborhood so the closeness of her would be an issue most likely anyway. I think you, your husband, and a lawyer of mediator, someone,  should sit down and talk with her and her parents. Lay down some ground rules for her. Explain that when there is a new baby, everyone has to take time to get a into a routine and that it's very tiring for the entire household.  Even in an open adoption, you hold all the rights to the child so if you feel she is becoming a threat to you or the baby, you can have legal action taken against her. But it may not come to that. She may change her mind after the baby is born. (I couldn't imagine giving up a baby and then wanting to see it; but that's just me). That is if you consider going on with the adoption.

If you just just can't go through with it, that's not selfish in my opinion. It's not like you would be adopting this baby as a single woman. You have a husband and two sons to think about and you'll do what you have to do for your family in the end. Maybe the open adoption is a sign that you aren't menat for this baby. If you choose not to proceed, all you can do is hope and pray that she will find the family that is meant for her.

As far as the child eventually coming to know about the adoption. That's a tough one. There is always a chance thet she could tell her even if you ask her to respcet your wishes not too. By the time she would be old enough to understand whay it all meant, she should also be old enough to understand that you chose her; you picked her to be your special girl. She will understand how much you love her.  And she will also understand that someone else had her but chose to give away. Good luck

Answer 21

It sounds like you have no affection or respect for this woman.  Why would you want to raise her baby?  

Listen, I am a product of a closed adoption.  I love my adoptive mother.  I found my first mom last year, and I love her too.

I have too mothers.  that is adoption.

To convince yourself otherwise is just foolish.  you and your husband will be setting yourselves up for grat disappointment.

I don't think this mother and this baby are what you are looking for.

Answer 22

open adoption does not mean she can take the baby once all things are done legally,giving up rights and so on.

She just wants to know how the baby is,but has no other rights to what she sees from this.

we are doing an open type arrangement.

If you want a baby bad enough this arrangement is not bad,you will finally be the mom and have the family you desire.

Answer 23

Have you spoken to anybody legally about this, for example documents? There is a chance, I don't know if this is with just agencies, but however, once I reached an age I refused contact from my birth mother,and although she had the ability to force contact she never did. Maybe the unborn child will decide that he / she wants nothing to do with the birthmother, after all, as everyone is saying, this is her baby.

She is being extremely mature by deciding to adopt this baby out to someone in the first place, and cleary since it's her second pregnancy and she's still keen for her baby to be adopted by you, it must mean something. She may just want to follow her baby's progress through life, and maybe in case you move away, she can still get photos and such of her baby.

She's doing the ultimate sacrifice by giving away her child to adoption. She knows once the baby is adopted out, she cannot get the baby out.

Open adoptions can work out very well. Instead of becoming something negative, the mother's influence on the child's life can be positive, for example, this way your child can see it's origins, where it got the hair colour from, the eye colour, they will recognise what they got from their mother. My adoptive parents work in union with my birth mother, which in fact makes it easier, because at the start sure she demanded me back, but then she realised I was better off and let me move on with life.

You should ask her why she's asking for an open adoption and discuss it with her. Find out her reasons and try to understand it from her point of view, don't just think about yourself in this, but also the birth mother and the unborn child.

Good luck making the decision. Maybe it would be better to visit an agency beforehand, and speak with them about what to do, get some clearance and reassurance about ifyou're doing it the right way.

Addon after main posters edit: Even after she did that, how long ago was it? Maybe she's moved on and grown up a bit more and realised it wasn't something she should've done. I'm sure she's realised she had indeed made a mistake and she hasn't done anything yet to this unborn baby. And as said, the baby is still hers. She can decide to keep the baby for herself if she wants, or decide to give it to another family, it's her decision. Her stomach, her pregnancy, her baby.

Not yours. You cannot set the terms if you want this child.

Answer 24

i totally understand....  i don't want to share my children with another mother either...  that's why i had my own.

it's simple: she's the mother (until relinquishment) and your attempts to prove how unfit she is is; and how more "worthy" you are, is tired.  also, you seem extremely judgmental of her pregnancy and sexual habits; yet have no problem accepting that she "get and stay pregnant" as long as you can have a kid.  that's deep.

my suggestion...  work with an agency or foster care. specify that you only want a private-closed adoption.  i'm sure tons of pregnant women will be lining up to give you a kid.

i'm a bit conflicted by your question.  and i think you really don't understand the dynamics of adoption.

Answer 25

Well that is the birthmother's right.  If you don't like it find another baby to adopt.  I know that sounds crude but... it's her baby and her choice.

Answer 26

She is offering conditions that are not acceptable to you...so, move on.  What is the problem?

What a shame that what might be best for the child is not a concern for you!

Answer 27

Honestly I wouldn't even look at her as an option. Go else where as this sounds like it would only bring heartache as she has done this once she will probably either do it again or hassle you always. But if you go ahead I see no harm in sending her a picture once a year and that's it. Only so she can see the progress of the child. But you are right I wouldn't like that either. Good luck with your decision.  :)

Answer 28

My husband and I have adopted 2 children- the birth mom of our son, wanted an open adoption- with letters and pics- and they just met last year- (he is 19)-  our daughter's birth mom, on the other hand wanted a closed adoption.  I know that you would love the opportunity to adopt this child- however the birth mom does and "should" have the control over the decision for an open or closed adoption.  Does this girl want to have contact with the child, or just letters and pics?   I would not want contact through the younger years either- however you have to know that it is her choice- and if cannot do what she asks, then maybe you need to search elsewhere for another child.  Sorry- and I pray that things work out for the best.

Answer 29

WOW I am Amazed at the answers provided here by some :(

Really stunned :(

I am adopted I Dislike adoption I dislike How i feel inside - It HURTS..The secret and lies ...

But

This girl if its true what you say caused her 1st unborn baby to die, frankly she should have been charged with manslaughter or murder And HIM Too...

Did we all miss that part ? where she paid her bf 10 bucks to punch her repeatedly in the stomach ? until the baby died ?

IF THAT IS TRUE Then this girl should be no where near a baby until she understands that you just cant take a life

I am in tears thinking of that unborn baby and I hope to god that baby didnt suffer :(

I dont believe in Open Adoption AT ALL - I think its one big Head ****

Go through a reputable agency , except my only worry is that then this girl will murder this baby as well.

You could start with open and then eventually she may just never contact you.

Do you people honestly think that a baby is better with some 15 yr old GIRL like this ? that murdered her first baby inutero at 7mths ?

Answer 30

Adoption is up to the mother i know you dont want to hear this but its true.

In the long run it is actully better for the child to know who there parents are.

Once you get the final adoption you do have the choice of what kind of open adoption you will have with the birth parent.

Most of the times its during phone calls and letters and pictures.

when the child is older than you discuss about having meetings with the birth parents but its up to the child.

Make sure you go through an adoption agency and talked to them about the options.

congratulations

Answer 31

I'm sorry that you consider open adoption a problem. Obviously this adoption plan is not for you. This mother deserves better for her and her child. I hope she moves on.