Worried about my 13yo daughter

Question

my daughter is thirteen, she doesnt have alot of friends,and she's had quite a hard life, i divorced from her father a couple of yrs ago ,then a year later i got cancer, im ok now,but im suffering from dperession, i think my daughter is too, she has an abnormal sleeping pattern and would rather spend all day in on the pc than go out and do something,ive found rather depressing poems in her bedroom and really bloody tissues . im worried that shes self harming , plus shes told me that she doesnt care about anything anymore, she sometimes goes weeks without brushing her teeth and takes a shower about twice a week,even tho i beg her to brush her teeth and was alotmore.her bedrrom is a total mess and she has a really destructive behaviour. the other day she told me how everybody makes her feel like a failure and that she does nothing right, i try to tel her shes wrong but i cant really find much about her thats good,shes intelligent, but extremely lazy and clumsy. she hates the way she looks, even though she is a very pretty girl, she is slightly over weight and that just makes her feel so unconfident, has anyone got any suggestions as to how to help her with things? should i take her to therapy???

Answer 1

Holy cow, your daughter is just like me when I was 14 only my mom didn't have cancer and I was really underweight instead of overweight. Tell her that being slightly overweight in these formative years will make her have bigger b***s when she drops the weight. It's true. Also tell her it's not her fault because starting your period makes all girls go crazy as far as weight goes. All teenagers hate their physical appearance all the way up until 18 or 19, even the hottest girls in school are sure their noses are crooked or their buttcheeks are uneven.

Not having a purpose in life is something most if not all teenagers go through. Again with the depressing poems, all teens write them. As far as the self harming goes, unless you start to see stuff, don't worry too much about it. Usually people who cut themselves and then show it off are the ones with problems.

The teeth brushing, showering, and room cleaning is probably something left over from being a kid. Again, most teen bedrooms look like a hurricane just vacated the premises. Get on her about the teeth brushing, my dad is a dentist and he explained in detail exactly how a drill feels when it goes into your tooth enamel and that's kept me cavity-free for going on 18 years now, give it a try. He also told me about his high school's Kid That Stunk. Next time she's getting a bit fresh, tell her point blank that she stinks or has greasy hair and she needs to shower.

The clumsiness comes from puberty s******g with spatial awareness. Even when you're not looking, your brain knows approximately where your hands and feet are, but when your an inch taller than you were yesterday, that awareness gets all skewed, causing clumsiness. Laziness I can't help you with.

Oh, and what exactly is she doing on the PC? I had about 2 friends from school but dozens more online. I spent all my time writing stories that I published online and designing a website. Nature is overrated.

Get her counseling if you want. My parents did and after talking to me for about six months he pronounced me a healthy normal individual.

It's more common in more intelligent individuals, I think. I know I read all the time until I was almost 12, when I realized that magic was fake, real life was boring, real men are pigs, and almost everyone around me is an idiot. Moreover, there was absolutely nothing at all I could do about it. It's a crushing realization to come to, I'll tell you want. Giver her a while to get her bearings. If she's still acting like this when she's 15 or 16, get her counseling then.  

Answer 2

First let me say I'm sorry for all your pain and what you've gone through. I also am a mother but my daughter some how made it to adulthood even with all the drama in my life. So to comment on your question. Are you being treated for your depression and have you thought of having your daughter evaluated. By telling your daughter she's wrong about being a failure you're enforcing the idea that she is a failure. Try focusing on the things she does well, no matter how small. As far as the mess in the room, that will get better in time on it's own. I would be more concerned about the self harm-do you see any places on arms or legs where she could be cutting? Yes Yes to the therapy, but not to the same one you go to-she has to feel like she can talk openly.. If she's intelligent focus on how smart she is, not physical attributes or shortages. Most 13 yrs old are lazy it's part of the age. As far a hygiene you are the adult and she must do certain things, such as brush her teeth atleast 2 times a day and bath/shower daily. Or enforce some type of consequence. She is looking to you for guidance and no matter how depressed you are you have to set limits. Maybe make hygeine a little more fun, but fixing each others hair or showing her how to start using a little makeup. You know taking the PC is one form of consequence if she won't follow rules. It sounds like she overwhelms you a bit at times. This may be strange but you can look at my profile and want to e-mail me, we could chat privately. God Bless

Answer 3

Of course you should take her to therapy.  They can help her. You should probably go, too.  You say you "cant really find much about her that's good" do you mean you cant get her to understand what about her makes her special, or that you honestly cannot find one positive trait about her.  I dont think it can be the latter, because you already listed a few.  You guys should go to therapy individually, and then maybe go together to work on your relationship and to understand how the events of the past have shaped you both.  Good luck.

Answer 4

I'm a thirteen year old myself, and what it sounds like is she just needs someone to talk to, understand her and accept her for who she is. This is just my opinion, (and note I'm 13 years old and wouldn't have very much experience with these type of things), but, I know that if I were in a situation like that, I wouldn't want to be taken to therapy. I think it might worsen the situation because she may feel as if her own mother believes something is mentally wrong with her. Just show her that you're there for her, worry about her and want to do anything possible to help her in any situation she might have.

However, if that doesn't not help and nothing changes, then I would definitely suggest taking her to therapy.

Best of luck!

Answer 5

im 13 but a guy im the same way my parents got divorced then my dad got cancer but he passed from it and i got the same way but for the tissue thing mabye shes having a period and doesnt know what to use for the blood so she used tissues?

but it should pass but i would just one day when stuff is kinda bad just sit down and have a heart to heart talk and ask her about it all and my mom took me to therapy without talking to me and it mad me mad it made me fell like so would take the time to talk so she hierd someone

and if shes not introduce her to good music like tom petty or something but cherful music thats wat changed me

e-mail me and tells me how it goes if you want to [e-mail]

Answer 6

In my opinion, You both need to seek family counseling.  This isn't normal by any means.  Seek professional help and soon.    

Answer 7

sounds like depression to me....

i would recommend taking her to a doctor or some professional counseling to see if maybe she'll talk about it there....

they can give you some good ideas that will hopefully help her particular needs...

Answer 8

CONFRONT HER IMMEDIATELY! She may hate you for it, but you are the parent and you have an absolute obligation to help her.

Self harm is no joke and should not be taken lightly. It is a sign of problems in her life and if she does not resolve them, there will be more in the future. She is still really young, but these next few years are critical in her emotional and intellectual development. Is she stays the way she is, there is nothing good that can come from it.

Therapy is a must. If she is apathetic of her appearance, she is probably depressed.  

Answer 9

I was the same way at 13, 5 years ago, my father commited suicide,I did not care, all the same stuff, I did cut myself but not to kill myself, only becaus the pain there made the pain go away, my mother took me to a therapist and all I did was lie, gettin into a hobbie helped me alot, and my friends, even though she does not show she probably appreciates you trying to help, because even though I told my mom to stay away and everything I appreciated her not giving up on me, I am overweight and still have some problems but my friends and family helped me through it, just do not give up on her, you can try therapy but I went through the same stuff and all I did was lie to everyone, hop this helps you, and if u still need any help, i will help yo uunderstand all that, just e-mail me at [e-mail]