Worried about the best interest of my step-son (looooong question)?

Question

4 years ago my husband recieved full custody of his son after a long, and rather painful court battle. The baby at the time was 7 months old. To give a brief backstory on the issue at hand: When my hubby and I started dating, his ex-girlfriend was pregnant with his child. I accepted that and was even there with him 4 days later when his son was born. His son had been born 10 weeks early, and had stopped developing 4 weeks prior to that. The mother refused to take prenatal pills, refused to eat anything other than fast food, she had been drinking and smoking pot and cigarettes while pregnant. Thus causing the complications. She started off by refusing to let my husband be put on the birth cirtificate. He had to fight for that first. Rhen 2 months later when the baby was released fromt he hospital, she started demanding child support but wanted cash not the normal, legal way of handling it through child support enforcement. He refused and instead offered to purchase ANYTHING the baby needed and keep reciepts as proof until legal child support could be established. He spent thousands ont he baby from cribs to diapers to clothes, etc...She still refused to even let him see the baby. Then on days when he was 7 months old..she called and asked if we wanted him permanently til she could get back on her feet after losing a job. Of course we agreed (we were living together by this time). She went 6 months and never called nor asked to see the baby. So my then fiance filed for full custody and the mother flipped out. After a year of court battles, he won the custody and the mother was given visitation every other weekend. Now, to the matter at hand. Since that time. She goes 3-4 months..doesn't call, doesn't write...nothing. Until for some reason she gets a wild hair and demands to see her son. My husband is obligated to let her 1. by law...2. he is a law enforcement officer and has to kind of live by the higher standard....moreover, she demands her son call her "mommy"...when he doesn't even know who she is. He is 4 years old now, hates going to her home, says he doesn't like staying with strangers. To him, she is a stranger and yells at him when he calls me mommy instead of her. When I am the one who bottle broke, potty trained, calmed his fears, i get up each morning and dress him for preschool...i have been the one there through all the illnesses and complications of being a preemie. It has now been 8 months since her last visit. She forgot his 4th birthday...forgot christmas...she called once to demand him speak to a half-brother he's never et because it was the brother's 1st birthday. (she has 4 kids, 4 diffrent fathers....2 of which she has lost custody of)..

The question is...when she calls again, is there ANY legal ground to stand on to deny her visitation???? It is not healthy for once a year, some "stranger" come and demand to swoop up this little boy and demand he call her mommy...when he doesn't even know who she is. And now that he's started preschool this week, can she just waltze into the school and pick him up anytime she wants and take him just because she's the biological mother??? We are concerned over her taking him without permission from the school. She has threatened to do similar things before if we don't "teach him to call his real mother by mommy and let him call some stupid woman mom instead." (basically if we don't force him to start colling her mommy she has threatened to take the child away)

Any advice? Any legal ground to stand on for denying her to see him when it's not mentally healthy for the kiddo for her to just step in when she feels like stirring up trouble??

Answer 1

ok first things first if you are worried about her taking him from the play school you must talk to them and let them know that she is not the one to be picking him up. I don't know about the school you are sending him to but at my boys school at the beginning of the year we are asked who is going to be picking up the child. they will not let them go with any one else unless I call or send a note with my child saying other wise.

second I would suggest going back to court and pushing for supervised visits. it is clearly upsetting to him when she comes around. while you can't take visitation completely away the court is ultimately on the child's side and you should have good cause to get it restricted to how and where she sees him.

good luck  

Answer 2

You should first proove that this is effecting him by counselor.  Take her back to court and tell the judge whats going one.  Let him know that its causing more harm than help and get supervised visitation or get her rights taken away permenantly.  She cant go to the school and pick him up they could get in a lot of trouble if they release him to her b/c whomever has full custody has a say so in who the child goes home with.  Talk to his preschool.  If the judge doesnt do anything abou the visitation then just know that shes only hurting herself b/c when he gets older he will resent her and eventually stop seeing her.  

Answer 3

Wow I defintitely sympathize with your situation. Of course he calls you mommy, because you ARE his mom. My stepdad was the same for me, I call him Dad because he was the one that took care of me and taught me how to ride my bike and how to tie my shoes. Your parents are the people who are there for you, not the people who gave birth to you. If I was in your similar situation I'd put pressure on her to give her rights to her son up and allow you to adopt him. Try to make her feel guilty and tell her it's in the best interest for her son. I would tell her that since she hasn't been there for him and has  (undoubtedly) caused him heartache and pain, for once she should think of what is best for him and put her own selfish desires aside. I would threaten legal action against her if she doesn't take well to reasoning. Also, is SHE paying child support? Another thing to think about: if she is still into drugs I would definitely go to court to get her visitation rights pulled on those grounds.  

Answer 4

This poor little mite has no idea who his mother is and from what you've said she sounds awful. You are this child's real mother and he shouldn't have anything more to do with this horrible woman. Can you not go through  the court system again to stop her visitation rights, could you get your son assessed by a medical practitioner to state that the visits are causing him  pain and anguish. You should see if you can adopt him and make him legally yours as you are the only mother this little boy has ever known. I wish you luck and he is a lucky little boy to have you  

Answer 5

I would talk to a lawyer and get his advise.  It sounds like you have grounds to have her parental rights removed but a lawyer would know for sure.  I would however start a log on when she calls, how the calls went, when she visits and how they went and just be prepared to show all evidence of her neglect.  Also get the family doctor to advise you on a therapist to talk to.  It sounds like this could get rather messy so be prepared.  A good lawyer will be your best ally in this so go find one.

Answer 6

I am kinda going through the same thing but with my kids father. He showed up at my sons school and i called the cops but there was nothing they can do. Unless i got a court order that states he is not to get him from school or any where else.  the school has to let her have him because she is on the birth certificate.  You should keep track of when she calls and sees him and the way he acts when she comes around. and take her back to court for soul custody. so she has no rights at all.  You need to prove that she is doing a lot of damage to him emotional that it is not safe for him to have her around. good luck

Answer 7

I don't think there's anything wrong with him knowing that he has two mom's.  One mom who he grew inside of & who took care of him for a while when he was a baby.  One mom who helps dad to take care of him.  He lives with dad, now, because his biological mom was having problems taking care of herself and him both, so she asked dad to take him most of the time.  Dad talked to the judges to make sure that they were following all of the rules.  

Now, the mom that he grew inside of and who he lived with for a while when he was a baby, is more able to take care of him and herself and his new brother, too.  She would like to spend more time with him.  Dad trusts her to take care of him (it's important that he believes this), even if she does things differently than dad & his mom here do things.  She still has problems, sometimes, though, keeping herself organized enough to see him every day or every week, so we'll let you know when she's going to visit and when you're going to spend time with her.  

Everything can be explained to him in a positive, healthy way & in a way that he can understand.  He should not be concerned with or involved in anything else to do with their adult relationship with each other or their parenting & custody relationship with each other.  

Answer 8

My thought would be to go  see if she will give up her rights completely. If not, go back to court and tell them what is going on. Kids thrive on routine and her just stepping in and out when she feels is not helping this child thrive emotionally.

Tell the school that she cannot pick him up, they will do their best to enforce this. She has no need to pick him up from school during the week if she only legally has visitation on the weekends.

Good luck to you. Since you guys are married perhaps you can go to court for what is called a step parent adoption. My husband and I just did this with my daughter, but her "sperm donor" as I call him gave up his rights willingly.

Answer 9

I just want to say that is awful and that woman should be ashamed. I could never imagine doing something like that as a mother. I don't know if you have an legal ground, but document everything and talk to a family lawyer who specializes in custody cases. I think that when he reaches a certain age he can make the choice to see his biological mother if he wants to. And you are such a good woman for helping provide a healthy environment for that little boy to grow up in.

Answer 10

Oh my God, I feel terrible for you and that poor boy.  Please find a lawyer to help you.  You have to keep this poor child away from her.   I can't imagine having to deal with a situation like this, but I'm sure if you can get a judge to listen there must be something they can do.

I'm so sorry for your situation.