Worried that society ,the local community has a ' negative ' perception of me - what can i do ?

Question

i feel like because of my past ive been ' vilified ' to a lot of people, so now, everyone has a negative percetion towards me......and im a person with dignity and honour -

( theres no way in this earth im going to bow down or act a certain way to make people accept me..)

not a chance - so what do i do ?

i honestly feel my life, my hope is over.......in the area where i live, people treat me strangely....are aloof and distant with me.......exchange of glances when i walk in a shop for eg..

i try to go on with dignity and honour as i have done for a while but its getting to hard.. hard to keep doing that..

i have felt estranged and alienated from society most of my adult life now.

im 30 and have endured some very tough times, i was bulied, abused , victimised all my life.......have a minor criminal record.......been in a psyche hospital......suffered head injuries.

its hard to explain everything thats happened but i have suffered severley and missed out on life big time.

never studied or gained qualifications......never been employed......never formed any relationships because of severe low self esteem and clingyness......plus volatile low moods.

ive suffered rage all my adult life due to excessive bullying and victimisation....pent up anger

i have bpd and ptsd......i used to have rage outbursts in public, where i caused alot of public embarressment and humiliation upon myself...lash out...lose it.......become paranoid.....that i was being singled out......get aggressive with strangers.....basically just lose control of my conduct and cause my self to be the object of ridicule.....and attacks off criminal types.

the rage is from severe bullying i went through all my life and pent up anger, unresolved anger.

i stay in most of the time because i struggle with rage feelings,....and extreme anxiety.....ive dealt with paranoia for a long time to that im being personally singled out and ostracised.....

i feel theres some truth to that because people still treat me very aloof and stand offish.....i get condescended and patronised alot like there telling me they think that ' i dont no who iam '

either that or its this feel sorry for me , i pitty you...your a charity case type approach......which i reject all the time..

i really dont trust people anymore, thats the bbottom line....people have been extremely cruel and very brutal to me..

im very wary....distrustful....quick to misenterpret or become defensive or aggressive....feel under attack from people alot.

i have a mental health past.......rage episodes in public.....time in a psyche hospital.( sectioned )......a minor criminal record 8 years ago.

i have nothing, no possessions except an old dusty computer....live in a 1 bedroom flat on disability......i own nothing........no carpets on the floor...an old bed etc.

i have torn ankle ligaments, due to an injury a year ago...waiting for treatment.....was told it will take quite a long time to heal...have to be careful how i walk or else i can easily go over........i feel like a freakin cripple..

what keeps me going through this darkness, my only goal in life, is to get a good paying computer job.....then to leave england emigrate in the future near the coast because i like the ocean..

what chance do i have at that though at my disadvantages ? , plus when most people seem to rejecting...laughing and ostracising me ?

i dont know how to deal with this behaviour and mind games from people except to be aggressive with them and shout them down or out of my presence..

ive took so much from people....i now exist as this vagabond loner, ( not by choice ) - who just wants to go his own way and make his dreams happen..

everynight i sit here in my 1 bedroom flat, hating the existence i live in, knowing its going t take a long time and be very difficult to change...

if i knew how, if i had the life skills, or knew what to do...and was sure of where to go......i would leave the uk tommorrow to try for a fresh start..

but for now i feel trapped.....im overweight....so im determined to diet....use my bike , try to get fit.....im balding....have a lived in look on my face...d**n

but i refuse to give in...i want to achieve those goals - what am i going to do ?

Answer 1

I am no Doctor, but after reading your detailed question, I hear two people struggling inside you.  If you can find a way to deny the the alienated, vilified one and cultivate the one that puts honor and dignity in your life you will surely see results for the positive.  Do not let all those negative things into your head.  You get what you give...garbage in, garbage out.....allow no garbage into your head.  

Get some life skills, make it happen.  Pay no attention (real or perceived) to what people think...do the things you know are right, even if it is two steps forward and one step back.

People are too wrapped up in their OWN self to be too concerned with others....paranoia strikes everyone!  You are not alone.

Answer 2

I think you've been busy digging a deep hole for yourself.

You obsess on what happened to you when you were younger.  IT'S NOT HAPPENING TO YOU NOW - get over it!

You sit in your little room all the time feeling sorry for yourself instead of getting out in the community and making friends.

You think that Either you have to "bow down" to people OR they won't like you.  It never occurs to you to just smile to them and say, "Hi."  Hold doors open for them.  Be courteous.

You'd be amazed how well that works.

Your education may hold you back, but it doesn't prevent you from getting a job.  Flipping burgers is better than sitting in the dark feeling sorry for yourself.

You can't expect to fiz all your problems overnight.  FIX WHAT YOU CAN now, then take another look at your life and decide what to do next.

Tomorrow is a brand new day.  You start with a blank sheet of paper.

You can write hopelessness and victimization on it if you want, like you've been doing.

Or you can decide that you've played the victim long enough and start writing positive things on it.

Your choice.

Answer 3

It really sounds like the first thing you should do is to move out of your area. It might be tough, but it will be worth it in the long run. The area you live in is psychologically toxic for you. It doesn't deserve you and you don't owe it anything. I lived in a town I hated, and nothing felt better than moving away, even though for the first year or two I had low paying jobs and was lonely. Use the internet to study up on towns and cities that meet your needs (e.g., affordable, job availability, safe, and any other interests you have).

You do have a great advantage in that you understand the causes of your rage and take responsibility for your rage. So, once you get away, you have to find ways to deal with it. Medications will help, and therapy will help you recognize the first symptoms of rage so that you can use more effective coping mechanisms. You sound like a strong person, a fighter, so you'll prevail, but if you stay in that awful community, it's going to be tough for you.