Would an 'accident' damage my relationship with my husband?

Question

My husband and I are both 24 years old. We have been married for 3 years and have a solid relationship.

I am at the point of wanting to begin our family. My husband (in the military) wants to wait until he reaches a more desirable pay grade. His timeline would leave us starting our family four years from now. Before anyone suggests sitting him down to talk about a compromise, let me tell you that I've tried. He is just not willing to budge. I am of the opinion that if people waited to have children until they were 'ready' no one would ever get around to it. We are in a comfortable financial situation with a lot in savings and I don't think a few dollars more per hour will change the impact of a child.

Now to my question. Would I be creating a bad situation if I were to "accidentally" get pregnant? I think I am beyond suspicion. I recently stopped taking Birth Control Pills because they were creating a hormone imbalance in my body. I discussed this with my husband and we are now newly trying out Natural Family Planning.

Am I terrible for thinking this way?

Answer 1

Your not terrible for wanting a child with your husband.  Is money the only reason that he doesn't want to start a family yet?  It seems like if you have a savings built up, you then have enough money.  There must be another reason.  28 is not a bad age to start a family depending on how many children you want to have.  You don't want getting pregnant like that on your conscience do you?  A baby deserves to have both parents ready for the commitment.  I have a four year old now and my husband and I have not had a night to ourselves in four years(were lucky for a couple of hours every 5 months).  Maybe your husband is not ready to share you with a baby yet.  

Answer 2

I hear you, but at age 24 you are considered young still.  What if your husband "accidentally" died after having two or three children.  They would not know their father.  I know it's harsh, but he is in a high risk job right now.

Think of your kids.  During the last year or two of his "term" maybe he might change his mind, but I know even when I was in the military, I considered it high risk, even though I was stuck on a submarine in the middle of the ocean with a bunch of "kids" who just got out of high school.  I was in a tight situation twice, he is probably in heavier situations just going to change his clothes.  The situations can be so severe when in warfare.

Just wait with him.  If I were in his shoes, it would mean a LOT to me if my wife backed me in this.  He has maybe even seen co workers lost who have had kids and the hardship it was for them.

With this said, you need to be saluted young Lady.  You are what drives our men today in Iraq.  Thank you for being there for them.  You are all they have.  The dream of coming home to your arms makes the world of difference between giving up hope and lasting just one more day to see their sweetie once more.  You deserve the respect.

Answer 3

you are not terrible for thinking this way but it would be bad if you actually went through with it.  Just f*ck like rabbits and an accident probably would really happen.  You want both of you to be ready though if planned so just wait for him.  He needs to be able to feel like a real man who can support his family and if a few extra bucks is all it takes then be happy because others got it worse off lol.  

Everything done in the dark will come to light

If it was really an accident then he cant be mad because it takes 2

Answer 4

That would not end well. Be honest. Having a kid by "accident" is not a very trustworthy thing to do.

Answer 5

you are not terrible for thinking of wanting to start a family.  It is sneaky and wrong to accidentally get pregnant.  

Have you asked your husband if it is really a money issue or does he still feel too young to want to start raising a family right now?  If there are other reasons he does not want to start a family and you get pregnant, you may have to live with the consequences.  

Having said that, I sure do not feel like it should be up to him to make this important decision!  Who said he could?  It should be both of your decisions.  Maybe counseling would help!

Good Luck, your situation is a tough one.

Answer 6

yeah it would be a bad thing if you just got pregnant without letting him know on purpose. But if it were a true accident then I'm sure he would in time forgive u. (like a week). besides, baby usually equals ecstatic dad no matter what...well unless its an illegitimate child...but thats besides the point...

Answer 7

Your husband is working hard to set up a nice life for you and your future children. He looks ahead and wants to provide only the best. You shouldn't be so satisfied with your current financial situation considering you can wait for the better and breath easier. Your money DOES NOT go as far as you think especially in the next four years or longer. Don't be selfish and make a dumb mistake because you are bored.  

Answer 8

Trust is one of the things that holds a marriage together. Without it there is no real relationship. It is one sided and false. If you want to destroy your marriage that is a first step toward it. I recommend you stay honest and true and work this out honestly. If you dont get your way your life wont be over. Sometimes we have to wait for what we want.

Answer 9

No, do it.  

Answer 10

Somewhere along the line, he'll find out.  Trust will be an issue forever more.

Answer 11

To bluntly answer your title question, yes, you would seriously damage your relationship with your husband if you "accidentally" got pregnant.  And, he doesn't deserve that from his wife, not when he's serving in the military.  You need to talk with him, and the 2 of you JOINTLY make this decision.  Your husband would find out you "accidentally" got pregnant, and you will have destroyed the trust he has in you.  The divorce rate for those serving in the military is already sky high, why on earth would you deliberately do something that would encourage a divorce?  Please, re think this, you're not terrible for wanting to have a baby, but wanting to deceive your husband is pretty low.  

However, there's a joke I know.  You know what they call people who use "natural" family planning?

Parents.

Answer 12

I don't think it's terrible to want a baby at your age. I think you two did not discuss this situation before you got married. I wouldn't trick him...it might come back and destroy your marriage. Good luck.

Answer 13

That is hard to say. An accident SHOULDN'T damage your relationship if it is strong and you seem to have everything under control. HOWEVER if he DID suspect for some reason that you did it on purpose then that could definitely damage your relationship.

I will level with you. I was thinking of doing this as well. We have an 18 month old daughter and I wanted kids close together and my husband doesn't. Then last month we had an "oops" I thought I was pregnant and everything. Then it turned out I wasn't. I am SO glad I wasn't. Do you want to know why? Because I want him to be EXCITED when I tell him I am pregnant. I want to see his reaction, his happiness and savour it like I did with our daughter. I still remember his reaction when I told him about her and I will cherish it forever. He was SOOO happy he shouted out the truck window :) When I thought I was this time I got a steely grim look and a sigh. Is that how you want to remember it? I was so upset I cried because I didn't want to remember the moment like that. So I am glad I am not pregnant. And I now want to wait until we can both agree on it. I want us both to be HAPPY about it...not just dealing with an unfortunate accident.

You're not terrible for thinking that way. Four years can seem like a long time when you want it now. But stop and think...is this how you want to remember it? Is this how you want your husband to have his first child? as an "accident"? I think you should just wait the 4 years and keep pestering him in the meantime to make it sooner. It really isn't a long time, it will go SO fast and you're still so young.

Answer 14

Being dishonest and decieful to someone you claim to love is definitely not good. You have no right to make decisions for your husbands life. These kinds of decisions need to be made together. If you love him and he you, you will compromise. Possibly have the child in two years.

Answer 15

NFP.  lol.  You're all set with a recipe for disaster.  I hope he knows that's not a very reliable way to make sure you don't have kids.

That said, I hope you know what it would be like to live through a divorce with a young child.  Tricking him into fatherhood when he's not ready increases your chances of doing just that.

A mature relationship takes communication and compromise.  You're already in a tough relationship being half of a military family.  Don't compound the situation by ignoring your husband's thoughts on this.

Answer 16

I DO understand.  You can't help thinking this way, because it's what YOU want!

But obviously you ARE suspect.

This IS his decision too.  And it would be unwise, very unwise to take it upon yourself to go against his wishes.

Rather, since his objections are about money, you need to overcome his objection.  

Get a job, bank a gob of money,

and make a compromise about how long the wait should be.  How much "difference" in pay will he be making p/year?

After you have that much in the bank x the number of years you want to bump up the baby-schedule, then he'll have no objection!  :)

ALSO, make sure that this time, BEFORE baby, is lots and lots of fun for him.  The more fun he's having with you, the sooner he'll be willing to switch over to ParentHood.

^j^

Answer 17

If you were the girl I loved I would want you to do what makes you feel best sense your the life creator

Answer 18

Don't do it! I read an article recently about women who tricked their husbands into pregnancy thinking that once the man held the baby, he would change his views. It didn't work, and the husband ended up resenting the child for the rest of its life.

Don't have a child till he's ready.

Answer 19

I can understand how you got to this point of wondering if an "accidental" pregnancy would work, and you're not a bad person for thinking about it. It just shows how much you want a baby. You seem like your financially set and you've been married for a few years now, so I would have to wonder if it goes deeper than a money issue. Is he fearing the thought of starting a family? Have you asked him if it could be any other reason? I would be very reluctant to trick him into getting pregnant as it could backfire on you for the rest of your life and the baby's life.

Answer 20

Starting anything with dishonesty would be bad, especially something as big as this.  Trust is what your relationship should be based on.

Don't start a kids life on a lie.

Answer 21

To force your husband into becoming a father at a time when you know he does not feel ready is morally wrong.

Four years is not such a long time to wait, as you will only be 28 yrs of age.

Your husband is trying to be responsible. He is obviously quite an ambitious man, but also a very loving & caring man. You could be jeopardising your future as a couple, by "accidentally " getting pregnant.

If you take this course of action, your husband could well grow to resent you, if the truth ever came out & sometimes the truth does find a way of rearing its ugly head !  He would consider you devious & manipulative, which wouldn't exactly be far from the truth would it ?For your want of a baby, could in actual fact ruin your solid relationship.

Wanting a family with the man you love is natural, planning to get pregnant, in order to get what you want isn't.

Good Luck. X :-)

Answer 22

no doubt about it.  if i were him and found out you considered this i would sleep on the couch and wouldn't look at you for at least 2-3 weeks.  your husband wants to wait because he wants to support you.  you should be ashamed.