Would anyone be willing to give me some advice or criticism on my poem?

Question

i havent made a poem in awhile...i dont like following the "rules" of poetry. the poem is not really all that long. could you guys critique it for me...this is the first time i ever asked someone to critique my poem.

as life floats by

i am left behind

to watch everyone else

do what i can only dream of.

they all laugh and enjoy themselves

as i am trapped behind closed doors.

growing older and looking at the past

life continues.

even if it is not a blast

missing the greatest things a teen could ever experience

having no stories to tell one day

life floats by

and all i can say

is that i watched it afar

but never stepped out

never had that chance

now i must grow up

be an adult

no more time for fun and games

the "good" years over.

life floats by

and somehow i missed it.

Answer 1

its good..i liked it=)

Answer 2

You don't like to follow the "rules" so it is hard for someone to critique your poem . They do not know if you intentally made certain decisions on purpose but here it goes:

I like the short lines. It gets to the point and to me, I can read your entire stanza without taking a break to analyze the poem. If you could, try to shorten the line "missing the greatest..." It breaks the "flow" of your poem. Also, you might want to remove certain lines that are descriptive and not moving the story along. Also, the line, "no more time for fun..." kind of shortens your audience. It is only relatiable to the youth and if you are going for that then leave it alone but if you want others to relate to your feelings, try not to make a hasty generalization (b/c I still have fun!) ......Okay I'm done.  

Answer 3

Very well written.  It really comes from the heart. You should get it published.  Keep writing you are really talented.

Answer 4

Hi there. One of my hobbies is to critically analyse prose, and not poetry, yet I willmention what I felt.

1. The poem is running continously into melancholy. Though you do not write according to the rules, yet the rules have a deep significance and mean a lot. For example, had your poem been a sonnet, at the end of the poem, the reader would have closed with a positive view on life. Not only does the poem become sad but rather depressing and hopeless. Even giving a ray of hope would have made it way better because we all dwell on hope!

2. You have refered to life as an object that floats by. I percieve it in a different manner. Life does not float by. We are a part of life and the survival of either without one is not possible.

3. You dream in a negative way. The dreams are something usually associated with transporting you beyond your imagination!

4. Furthermore you express that 'they' laugh and enjoy themselves. This gives a hint at the contempt you hold for 'them. You should rather rejoice at th others being happy.

5. Being an adult from a teenager is very natural and essential and most people would look forward to it, rather than be sad about it. Also how can you predict that the good years are over?

At a positive note:

1. This  is a poem with a simple narrative and to the point. That thing deserves an applause.

2. You speak for thousands of under privelleged children, according to me.

3. The flw of the poem is great an dso is the stream of thought.

On the whole, I would suggest that you should be a little familiar with the rules, only after understanding their significance and then apply them. Or think logically as a reader and invent your own rules!

All the best. Hope to read more of your work soon!!

Answer 5

I think it's a good verse, very deep, meaningful.

I like it, I'd buy it if it was in a book.

You should get it published.

Hope I Helped, X.

Answer 6

I see this is a poem about life

it talks about how it has gone by

so fast.  

Because you were left behind

so you didn't take advantage of it.

Life goes by when and there is nothing to show for it.

Nothing to tell your children grandchildren

People either don't grow up or are forced to do so

without enjoying their junior life

Some people's life is cut short

because a wrong decisions.

Answer 7

i think its quite good

cant really critiscise it

Answer 8

My life floats by,

I am left behind.

Left to watch everyone else

do what I can only dream of.

Laughing and enjoying themselves,

I feel trapped behind closed doors.

Growing older and looking back,

my life continues.

even if it is not a blast

missing the greatest things a teen could ever experience

having no stories to tell one day

life floats by

and all i can say

is that i watched it afar

but never stepped out

never had that chance

now i must grow up

be an adult

no more time for fun and games

the "good" years over.

life floats by

and somehow i missed it

Answer 9

as a poem it sucks pretty bad, but i think you're in a stress or something, go out, have fun with friends, listen to music instead of sitting along and writing down your sad thoughts and calling it a poem