Would it be a good idea to meet my birth mom?

Question

she put me up for adoption before i was born. should i try and find her?

Answer 1

For whatever reason, yes you should. At least to find out the truth. No matter how, she is still consider as part of your family.

Answer 2

How do your parents (the ones that raised you) feel?  

If they are sincerely and truly okay with it, then sure go ahead and meet her!

Remember, adoption is a loving choice!!!

Answer 3

It really depends on the reason you want to meet her. Are you mad? Do you know any reasons as to why she did it? If you can meet up with her, and you really just want to know your true mom, then I would make sure she knows you're coming. Surprises like that can cause a LOT of problems.

Answer 4

I think you need to ask yourself some important questions?

1. Why do you want to find her (medical history, curiosity, do you have any siblings, etc)?

2. Have you talked it over with your adoptive parents and how do they feel?

3. How would you feel if she doesn't want to be found?

4. Is there a void in your life because you don't know where you came from and why you were given up for adoption.

5. (AND THE MOST IMPORTANT) How will this affect your relationship with the people who have raised you?

Answer 5

Aww-I feel like crying. No, if she didn't want you, don't want her.

"Do unto others as you'd like them to do unto you." So, if you are really craving it, what she looks like, what she sounds like and the whole ball of wax, go for it. Otherwise, meaning you just want to feel anxious and meet her and ask her why and go out to dinner and yell, no. That's not a wise solution! Work it out with the people you already know as "mom and dad" then see how they feel.

Hope I helped!

Tiffanie

Answer 6

I agree with most of these people. If you really want to meet her then try but be prepared for her to not want to meet you. There are reasons why she gave you up. One could be she was raped, or maybe she just didnt want children, ever. Or any other number of reasons. So don't get your hopes up to high.

Be prepared also that she might try to use you after you find each other.

But then again, you might find a loving woman who just didnt have any other choice and wanted to give you a good chance at life. But hopes that you are looking for her.

Good Luck

Answer 7

NO! s***w it......just get on with your life and thank your adoptive parents for adopting you!

Answer 8

I would recommend trying to locate her.  You don't mention how old you are and I would not recommend doing it if you are under the age of 18 for legal reasons or under the age of 21 for emotional reasons.  Not matter how stable you are emotionally this will really effect you and the older and more stable that you are will ease some of this.   I have been involved in adoption searching for a very long time and I can tell you that I have only run across a couple of searches where the birth mother refused contact of any sort with the child.  Most at the very minimum are very happy to share medical and family history backgrounds and are also very happy to hear that they have made the right decision.  If you go into your search expecting no more than this then you will be fine.  If you expect to gain another family, then you may be setting your self up for heartbreak.  

Birth mothers are very generous women who either were forced to make or made themselves a very difficult decision.  They also have to live with this decision for the rest of their lives and many choose to share this part of their lives with the men that they marry and the children that they have but many decide to keep this part of their lives a secret.  Once they have done this many are very reluctant to divulge this part of their past and don't want to open up their new lives to someone in their past.  The longer a secret goes on the harder it is to reveal.

Regarding your parents (adoptive), do what you need to do for yourself.  I hope that they are very supportive of your decision should to decide to search.  Ask them for this support and tell them that you want them to understand why you wish to do this.  Be honest with them and they may be hurt but better than keeping the secret.

So, yes, I do think you should locate her, just make sure that the time is right in your life.  Also realize that depending on where you were born and adopted will effect how easily the search will go.  Some searches can be completed in a couple of days and other can take years.  You must be very patient.

Good luck with whatever decision you make!

Answer 9

Hi. My adopted teen reconnected with his birthmother and sibs a couple of years ago. He's now 17. It's been very difficult for both he and his birthmother...a real rollercoaster ride. I wouldn't advise against meeting your birthmother, but I would advise you to get professional help in dealing the issues that will arise. My son's counselor has helped my son deal with his abandonment issues. Right now, my son and his birthmother are not talking. I think he was too young to deal with the situation and it would have been better if he had waited until he was older. Good luck!

Answer 10

Have a heart to heart with your parents. Explain that you have a need to find your bmom.

As a birth mom, it took me 29 years to get up the courage to find my birthdaughter, up until then, I felt like she might not want me  and why should she after what I'd done and I didn't think I could face the rejection. Also I always felt unworthy of her love and I felt like a horrible person who could give her child away. At the time i thought it was the best thing and I didn't feel like I had any support from anyone. The adoption agency counciled us in how to give up your child, not on how to keep your child. After counsiling I came to the realization, that I owed this to my daughter, the gift to tell me exactly how she felt. I felt I could except her feelings of either, stay out of life or welcome to my life. Adoptees have so many questions, wasn't I good enough (of course You were) Why did you abandon me (it wasn't you, I loved you). When you give up a child, you think this is the end, my life statrs over, but it never really does. You always remember your first baby. You cry on their birthday. You think of them always. There is a hole in your heart.

Answer 11

If you want to know, then by all means search for her. I searched and found mine. :)

At least you can get those burning questions answered.

Answer 12

I am 55 and met my birthmother when I was in my 30s-I had wonderful adoptive parents as far as Im concerned they were my parents. You have to understand there are a huge range of emotions when you deal with birth parents. Some may not want to know you-they have negative remembrances about the pregnancy.Then there is the deal of being two people. The birth person and the adopted person it takes time and you really have to combine the two.Also you will find on your adopted side many of them feel resentful you even want to find out about your birth parents.

Answer 13

i think all mums have a reason don't think it is just because there was something wrong with you. It could of been to give you a better life than what she could of given you. I think you should consider all the pros and cons.

Answer 14

Are you prepared for her to reject you?  I don't know why she put you up and neither do you.  But she may or may not reject the contact just as she may welcome you with open arms.  If you are ready for both reactions then I say great, go for it. You do have a right to know why she didn't want to keep you.

Answer 15

Here is a good page on b*****d Nation's website that discusses deciding on searching.

http://www.b******s.org/search/decide.ht...

Answer 16

I think you should it might be good to see her and find out why she had to put you up for adobtion. I am also sure that she would be happy to see you.

Answer 17

Its not unheard of to meet her. I think you need to examine why you want to meet her. And if you do, don't expect a lot of tears. It could be very civil. But she may not want to meet you.

Answer 18

only if things at home already are a bit unstable..

look i believe that even tho ur real mother adopted you out as a baby, that really does mean nothing considering these new parents brang you up into the world as their own...all you know is them, they are your parents, they love and care for you!!.

only meet your biological mum is its necessary and if your old enough, it may cause more pain than anything

goodluck in making the right decision

Answer 19

I wasn't going to answer this one because it's not my area of expertise but some of the responses on here have forced me to do so.

Your mother DID want you.  If she didn't want you, she would not have continued the pregnancy that produced you.  She DID want you and she loved you tremendously.  There are usually financial reasons why she could not keep you but not being able to keep you is not the same as not wanting you.  I once had a cat and my dad was unemployed at the time.  I couldn't afford to buy it cat food so I gave it to a family who could.  I WANTED that cat, I simply could not afford to keep it with me.  I'm sorry to compare you to a cat because the decision to place you was no doubt infinately more complicated than that one but you get the picture.

Your mother DID want you.  You were NOT unwanted or unloved.  

If you really want to meet her, then you should.  EVERYONE deserves to know where they came from.  To be considerate, I would suggest discussing the decision with your adoptive parents but you don't have to if you don't want to.  

And, if your meeting is a bit awkward with your mother, just remember that there are no scripts and that you're both going to be feeling A LOT of different emotions.  It's your decision whether to pursue a relationship or not but just be prepared in case your mother doesn't know how to respond or responds negatively.  Giving up a child for adoption is a lot like having a child kidnapped from you.  She probably doesn't know if you are alive or not, or whether you've had a good life or not.  Plus, meeting you in person might drudge up painful memories of when she relinquished you, it may put her in shock momentarily and she may not know how to react.  

Remember that you are and were loved and very much wanted by your mother.  

Best of luck!

Peace,

Jenn

Answer 20

it could be a good or bad experience, I hope the best for you. I believe all children have the right to know the details of their biological parents.