Would it be better for everyone involved to just not tell the adoptee that he/she is adopted?

Question

Not trying to be mean or anti-Freedom of Information, just curious if you agree or disagree that if adopted then that should be a secret. Of course if the parents look WAY different from the child then they may be able to figure it out.

If you think I am a horrible person for suggesting that you never tell, then is it better to tell them at a young age or at an older age (how old?)?

Answer 1

No way! That is a huuuuge part of someones past...the fact that we have different genetics than everyone in our family...the fact our mothers and fathers that we've grown up with arent really te ones that created us.. whoooa thats a little bit too big of a secret to keep!!

my parents have told me since i was too young to understand...so basically i have just grown up knowing, like it was natural to me...and i am so grateful for how my life has turned out...and shame on the parent that keeps this secret from their child

Answer 2

i think its better to tell them at at earlier stage, but let them know that you love them and you chose them as your own. not to say that their biological parents are bad, but they loved them enough to know they'd have a better life with someone else. If they find out later, they'll think their whole life was a lie and might get very mad about it. its better at a younger stage, so they know and accept the fact that you ARE their parents, adopted or not.

Answer 3

There is no such thing as that kind of secret. Sooner or later, the truth comes out. And when it does, it's very hurtful, unless the person who was adopted was told in a normal fashion when he/she was very young.

I never "told" my kids in the sense of having a big conversation. I didn't have to. It's part of our family story. My kids have known all about their adoptions since they were tiny. They don't remember a time when they DIDN'T know.

That's the way it should be. It's part of their life. It's part of their story. They need to know.

I know many adults who were adopted. Some where told young, and some were not told, but found out as adults (sometimes in awful ways.) The ones who found out as adults were very hurt by finding out in this way!

Answer 4

No!  Lies hurt!  I didn't find out until age 57 that I was adopted, and I may never find my birth parents or other birth family members in order to get my medical history, since my birth parents would be in their mid-seventies at the youngest.  They may be dead.  If they never told anyone about me, I may never be able to find out anything.  

My son and grandson need info to help with their health issues, and I can't give them any!

Adoptees have married siblings on a few occasions.  Since so many are secret, we may never know how many adoptees have married their siblings.  Just think of how many babies may have been born with deformities because of that!  

Lies can kill!

ADDED:  Yes, "House" was good last night.  

SPOILER...

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Did you get the idea that the mother still didn't tell?  

I wrote to several medical shows after I found out about my adoption and asked them to do something about medical consequences if someone didn't know they were adopted, but I'm sure this wasn't the result of my letter.  I'm going to write to them again and ask them to do more on this subject, showing serious consequences that could happen as a result of someone's not knowing that they were adopted.

Answer 5

Hello!

I think that the important thing about adoption is that someone was willing to love you more because kn owing your not theirs they wanted you in their fam.

I've always concider adopting a child in the future because these kids need even more love than others because they feel not worthy of concideration or love.

I thik that telling the truth is the key toa strong selfsteem.

Love to all Eva  ;  )

Answer 6

ummm excuse me but if you know you don't look nothing like them then yes i do think that they should know that they are adopted yes i do think they should know why lie to them by the birth certificate they will know cause you need birth certificate for  plenty of reasons when you get your california id for everystate you need a birth certificate

Answer 7

Tell them as soon as they are old enough to understand, but make it sound good and make them sound special.

Answer 8

I agree with all the honesty is best and medical history stuff.

There is another thing. A child can suddenly notice differences. For instance in biology class they might be asked what eye colour they inherited from their parents. If neither of their parents have the same eye colour then they could start wondering. If they grow to be short or really tall when the parents are of average height (or the other way round) then they could start to question themselves. If no one in the family have artistic or mathematical talent then they might also wonder.

They could find adoption papers, or read a diary or find photos of their birth parents. They may be told by accident.

Never hide the truth from a child, any child, if they are adopted or not.

If they find out they have been lied to their entire life then they will never trust you again, and may have difficulty trusting others as well.

Answer 9

are you a horrible person for suggesting it? well, no, but i do believe you are slightly uneducated in being adopted. (that was not a stab at your intelligence, just your experience in this)

not knowing does not only affect the child, one day they will have children of their own, and i found out medical info is necessary. i had a medical scare with my son, i needed to know my history, if i had been lied to something very importent could have been missed. or even if they caught it, the time it might have taken could have been detrimential.

i personally feel a child should always know. no age or certain day. it should be put out there from day one and as the questions arise you answer them. i cant imagine living my life and all of a sudden one day i get the bomb that my family is not genetically linked to me. not to mention the pain it must bring to know all that time of being lied to. i would think the adoptee would feel even more isolated.

when they know from the beginning (i did) you dont really have a concept, then as you get older the words start to make sense. sometimes it hurts, but it has been something you have had all your life. you have been given a chance to adjust gradually.

adoption is not a dirty little family secret. we are not the skeletons in the closet. our biofamily had reasons and issues, we are not responsibile for that. to hide it makes it seem like it is something to be ashamed of. i, personally am not ashamed at all. i had a great life, my bioparents are wonderful people. i couldnt ask for more.

i do understand where you are coming from. if we never know then we will never feel the hurt connected to it, right? well, if a nuclear bomb is dropped, you may not know but sooner or later you will feel the effects. ignoring it is not going to make it disappear.

Answer 10

No, no, and h**l no.  The truth is always better than a lie. Growing up in a household in which a secret--ANY secret--has been kept is demonstrably bad for children.  Check the literature.

Telling should begin at a very young age, and should never end.  Adoption is not a one-time event, and it should be discussed in an age-appropriate manner many times whether the child brings it up or not.  The child WILL find out, and the more secrecy surrounding his/her origins, the more shame, self-loathing and alienation that child will feel--despite the best efforts of loving adoptive parents.

Wouldn't you want to know?

Answer 11

Lies and secrecy are never a good idea, especially in a relationship as intimate and dependent as the child-parent relationship.  What a thoughtless thing to do to one's own child.

Further, the chance of the truth never coming out is pretty small.  Late discovery adoptees end up with loads more issues to sort out, including anger toward their adoptive parents, than adoptees who grow up knowing the truth.  

My parents were honest with me from the beginning.  I don't remember a time when I didn't know the truth.  I am so glad that they chose to be open with me from the start.

There are also very pragmatic reasons for the truth.  Possible medical issues, for example, come to mind.  To have one's children go through life believing in the wrong medical history, and giving it to doctors who partially depend on knowing history, is terribly wrong and potentially dangerous.

Lying is never the way to go.  Not telling is lying by omission, which is no less lying than is lying be commission.

Answer 12

I'm not eloquent so here it is,

lies=bad                  truth=good

Tell your children from the first moment you hold them in your arms.  Its a basic and fundamental part of their foundation of self.

Answer 13

I think those are the adoptees statistically most likely to go on killing sprees. If your goal is to raise someone very betrayed and unstable - don't tell, lie all the time.

Babies know they are in the wrong place, you simply supply them with the words to explain they are with different parents and validate the loss and grief they feel. http://www.quantumparenting.com/articles...

Answer 14

No. Way.

Answer 15

You know, I know someone who found out late in life that she was adopted.  A family member wrote her a letter saying, "You think you're so hot but you're not.  You're adopted!"

I'm not kidding.  She found out in a letter.

It ruined her life and turned her into a hurt, sad person who does despicable things to everyone around her.

That's the thing about lying to your adopted child.  There's always someone out there that knows the secret and is just itching to tell.

You may think adoptees are bitter but just see what happens if you withhold the truth from them and they find out from some loose lipped relative or neighbor.  Some secrets are not worth keeping.

All adoptees should be told the truth.

Answer 16

Ok I am writing this as a birth mother. My children A girl (3) and a boy (2) are being raised by a family in New Jersey. I placed them for adoption at birth and they are being raised to know they are adopted. I talk to them and send pictures and the family who has them keeps in contact with me. They call their "mom" mommy but they know me as mommy AJ I think it is easier for them because they have known since  they were old enough to say it, we never kept anything about the aboption from them... and they are some of the happiest and most loved kids.

Answer 17

Ummmm, yeah, just don't tell them and let them find out from drunk uncle Fred when they're 30.  Then see where your relationship ends up.  (Hint...it's white and ends with -oilet).

Why on EARTH would anyone think it's better to not tell their adopted child the truth?  TELL THEM RIGHT AWAY.  Ever hear that old saying, "honesty is the best policy"?  Well, that goes for adoption, too.

Answer 18

My husband and his sister were both adopted as infants (he's 42 & she's 43).  They've always known.  

My in-laws told them all about how they could not get a baby from the hospital but they wanted one really bad so  they went to an agency where the people helped to find "just the right baby".  

Neither my sil or my husband has ever had any issues over being adopted or knowing etc....  My in-laws are their true parents.  

The others are simply the people who gave birth thats it end of story.  My husband says that the best thing that ever happened to him was that his parents adopted him.  He has no desire at all to meet bio parents.  He says he would try to be polite if they showed up but he would not have any type of connection with them - why would he?

Just my 2 cents with my own experience.

Peace.

Answer 19

Well, you know, they used to do this.  Eventually, most kids found out and the result was pretty bad. Remember, people don't live in a vacuum. Other family members know you adopted and how would you feel if you were the only one from whom the secret was kept?

Answer 20

Tell them! The sooner the better! I don't remember ever not knowing. Tell them, and talk to them about it. Don't get all "you were special" and "we chose you" but tell them the truth.  I have heard from adoptees who didn't find out until they were older that it didn't surprise them, it was like they knew all along that something wasn't right. What upset them the most was the lies and the broken trust.  You shouldn't lie to the people you love.  Secrets only cause pain.

Answer 21

What kind of a person would suggest that living a life of secrets and lies is healthy...Does having a relationship based on deception appeal to you?

If these are really difficult questions for you to answer, I don't think you should parent at all--I mean really, what is the point.

Answer 22

In reality, no, I think the child should be told from day 1 that he/she is adopted.  It's really not such a big deal, and most kids can cope with the idea just fine.  

However, the way some people here act as though adoption ruined their lives - you have to wonder if it'd be better if they just didn't KNOW!

Answer 23

I'm not sure how you could keep that big of a secret.  It would involve everyone in the adoptive parents family.  Everyone would know there was no pregnancy.  I think it is an unthinkable risk because other family members would spill the beans. The child would likely feel betrayed by the adoptive parents.  Lies of omission are still lies.  I think honesty is always the best policy.

I think the child should be told way early--before they even can understand what it means.  Add information as the child can understand it or asks questions.  Most parents read to their children daily-- Find a good book about adoption at the child's level and read it often.  The whole process can be done and  told in a way that the child feels whole, secure, and very much loved for the wonderful little person that they are.

Answer 24

We knew that in our circle of friends, someone would slip and she would find out.  So we used the word, adopted, all the time.  No problems.

Answer 25

Nancy Verrier, in her book, "The Primal Wound" suggests that almost all adoptees know or suspect that something is wrong, and in that case not explaining the situation to them would be utter cruelty.

But besides just telling them they're adopted it's also vital you tell the child that being separated from your mother as an infant can cause serious mental health issues which they will have to be aware of and deal with their entire lives. And you have to explain philosophically how it's natural to want to belong, but because the child is from a different family, he might find it very difficult to fit in and belong, but that the adoptive parent knew that going in and doesn't expect that sort of loyalty.

If you don't feel this way or think it's right, you oughtn't be adopting children.

Answer 26

NO!!!!!  It is not fair to the adoptee, and in my opinion not moral.  They are going to suspect at some point anyway.  It's best to be up front with it from the very beginning, that way there is never that awkward moment when the truth comes out years down the road.

Answer 27

Perhaps the only people that would think it's better to not tell - would be adoptive parents that have major insecurities about themselves.

An adoptee comes to a family with a whole history - a history that is part of them.

It's about the child.

NOT about anyone else.

An adoptee should be told parts of that history from Day 1.

Those adoptees that find out later in life - are by far more hurt - than those that are told from the earliest days.

Answer 28

Heh. My kids are adopting transracially, so not telling them was never an option. After the first one, I adopted older kids. I have to say, that experience was fantastic because the kids know their own story and understand what's going on.  Contrary to what some people believe, there are many kids who do NOT want to be with their bio parents, and even have nightmares about them. I'm not saying I'm a great parent, but I'm one step above nightmare-inducing.

Anyway, not telling doesn't work most of the time. I have a cousin who was fifty-three before he found out. He discovered it at a family reunion when one of his children asked another relative why in the whole extended family, his dad was the only 'only child'.  "Well, adoption was so difficult back then..."  Nothing like having a room with a hundred people drop silent instantly.  None of us had any idea that the cousin didn't know. It had never come up before because no one really cared that he was adopted, but boy did he, once he found out.

Answer 29

i think it's horrible to keep something so personal and important a secret.  it's their story and their life and no one elses.  it's not healthy and is a huge problem.  keeping it a secret makes adoption seem like it's something that's a bad thing and it's not.  my daughter is 2 and although she can't comprehend that she's adopted, she knows she has another mother and knows what she looks like and visits her several times a year.  i think if at all possible start talking to the child as soon as you can, be honest and open.  let them feel like it's something they can talk about and is nothing to be ashamed of.  they are the only one's involved in the adoption that had no say or choice in the matter.  and to keep something like that a secret is just unspeakably horrible.

Answer 30

I think this is a tough issue.  You raise this child as your own and if you love them, they deserve to know that god gave them to you as a gift the same way a baby being born to a couple is a gift from god.  Except with adoption god gives you the gift in a different way.  Either way, it's meant to be.  I think they should be old enough to understand, but not like 18 or something.  Maybe 7-10.

Answer 31

i found out at age 17 that my dad wasnt really my dad, it hurt alot to know i had been lied to all my life. my parents didnt tell me because to them he was my dad from day one, i realised that yes he had been there all my life and he IS my dad. i think the child has a right to know.