Would it be better for my son if I make him stay or let him go?

Question

After I and my ex-husband divorced, my ex-husband took my son, Andre who was 12 at the time with him without my permission. My husband took Andre with him to South Africa. I didn’t hear from him until he was fourteen. When I heard from him again, he says he was ok and he’ll be in touch with me again soon. I later learned he have provided fake info and claimed he was sixteen to get in the military.

I didn’t hear from him again for about a year. Next thing I know is, he deserted South Africa army and is living in Belgrade, Serbia. He didn’t really stay in touch for a while until a couple months ago, he finally start to stay in touch. We have been talking couple time a week for a while.

Andre have always liked photography and been doing it since he was a boy. He say when his father took him to Africa, he learned how to sell stock photography and saved up money until he moved out of South Africa. He has been working as an assistant for one of the most respected high fashion photographer in Serbia. He say he have a girlfriend who is 20 and living with him.

Andre also say he’s consider about go into paramilitary if he can continue do photography while being in paramilitary.

We have been in touch and even talked about having him coming here so we can see each other again. Since he’s still a child, he’s only sixteen and I don’t know if he has any education beyond middle school. I really want him to stay home so he can go back to school and be a child again, be with his sister and brother, and rest of the family, and so I can finish raising him. Also idea of him has already been in military and thinking about getting back into military at such young age is just scary to me.

But my finance says that it will never work and would be a bad idea to try to make him stay here. So I should let him go back after visiting unless he wants to stay.

I really don’t know what to do about this. I hope somebody can help out.

Answer 1

no one can make this decision for you but it sounds like he has his own life now. he has a girlfriend, job wants to be in the military which is an honorable thing. you really should just tell him how you feel and see what he says, he may want to go back home but not sure that he is welcome or even if he don't want to go home, he probably still wants the invite. just find out what he wants and support him on whatever that may be.

Summer

Answer 2

Having your kid turn out to be something other than what your original thoughts/plans were for them is sometimes too heartbreaking to handle.  Since your son is already de-cultured from our ways, I would say that he can't come home again, and be a normal son.  We all write our lives/charts before we come here to live out our lives, and his life has been prewritten to do exactly what he is doing.  For some reason, my daughter chooses to go with any and all losers that cross her path, and I too, have a broken heart.  But there is nothing I can do about it, except  to let her learn on her own, because that's the way this is all playing out.  I told my ex tonight that I wish I had never even had her, that I should have never even considered being a mother, because it is just too heartbreaking, to sit back and helplessly watch what we think is detrimental to our baby/our child.  Everything happens for a reason, and just be thankful that he stays in touch with you.  The jerk my daughter so "loves" talked her into not calling me for 3 months, because of his views and his control over her.  I'll say it again.  I wish I had never even had her. All we can do now is let the cards fall where they may.

Answer 3

I think u should respect his ideas on what he wants to do.

Answer 4

Generally, I advocate letting your child go his own way. But if it is illegal to work in the military--it should be, at his age--you should keep him from doing so. But that does not mean you can keep him with you against his will.

I'm very sorry about what you have gone through. This must be difficult for you.

Answer 5

He is a man.  If he has been in the military he will go when he pleases.  You lost control of him when he went with his father.

Answer 6

this is what is call a cultural conflict. cultural he has being raised as a South African and their culture may view childhood and manhood differently then what American culture might, (are you by the  American by the way?) anyway, 16 over there might consider an adult . Now u might be asking what does that have to do with anything? well the problem is if he think himself as a man, he might end up hating u if u try to kept him here and he might try to run away. Plus u may never see him again. Set down with him and treat him as an adult talk to him about him moving back. and that there will always be a place to stay/ live. If he states no then let him go! I know what i am stating is hard for a mother to hear, but he is an adult at 16!