Would it be possible for SOMEONE to answer my wedding query without judging my plans?

Question

I am getting married in December. And it will be a secret ceremony in my home town. Just ME and my PARTNER.

I plan on breaking the news to my family a day later by sending "just married" notices saying "mr craig brown" and "miss catherine garner" were joined in marriage at a secret ceremony that took place on Saturday 20th December at 3.45pm. Please join them for a celebration dinner at The Oaks, norwich on saturday 2nd january at 7pm"

I will also give each person a framed photo of us on our wedding day for christmas and we will pay for everybody's meal.

ALL I WISH TO KNOW IS: Can you think of any other nice, creative ideas to make the whole event more special?

People seem unable to answer this question without doubting me plans and telling me what my family (who they know nothing about) will think. I have very very good reason for not inviting my family, they are intefering and will not let me do anything my way. They are ciritical to the point of making me call of my engagement previously so I did not have to deal with constant phone calls. There is no other way around it. Even if I call a day before and say "we are marrying tomorrow" I will be faced with constant criticism. I should not have to justify this. It is what I wish to do, and if it makes me truly happy that should be enough.

ALL I WISH TO KNOW IS: Can you think of any other nice, creative ideas to make the whole event more special?

Answer 1

I think your plans sound fine and people who want to judge you are just being rude.  It’s YOUR life and YOUR wedding, you can do whatever YOU want to do!!

I think that if you want to make the dinner more special, you could maybe try to make it more themed or more like a traditional reception.  This can easily be done with just some table decorations.  You could get really cute place card holders and put name cards in them at everyone’s place.  Since you are having it in January, I would go with snowflake or winter wonderland type place card holders.  But that is just me, you could do any kind that you want.  Then your family can take them home with them and use them as card/picture holders.  Do a google search for “wedding place card holders” and a ton of websites will show up.  

Someone else mentioned this, but a slideshow of pics from the ceremony would be nice.  That way even though they weren’t there, they will be able to see pics of you on your big day.

Maybe you could also have a wedding cake at the dinner…it doesn’t need to be a large traditional one, it could be anything that you want it to be.

Answer 2

Me and my girlfriend are planning something similar to that a secret wedding our families are meddlesome as well her family is controlling and would kill me at the thought and my family thinks that i am not ready something you could do is possibly make video of the ceremony and distribute it to family and friends that you wish to know about it and your ideas that you already have are very good

Answer 3

It sounds like you've got it all worked out pretty well.  The only other things I can think of would be presentation-related things (such as your picture frames, or a wedding cake), and those should all be left up to personal taste.  Perhaps you could have dancing with your dinner and turn it into a sort of mini reception.

This is a small thing, but maybe you could consider your wording, and say "private ceremony" instead of "secret ceremony."  I'm trying to put myself in your family's shoes and I figure that if I would have a problem with you getting married, I would have a problem with reading that it was a "secret."

It's sad that you cannot feel free to invite your family to such a special event and I'm sorry for that.  They should be happy for you!  I'm sure everything will work out.  Best of luck and congratulations!

Answer 4

You should not have to justify your plans to anyone.  It is your wedding, not your mother's or your sister's or anyone who answers these questions.  I think it would be nice if you had a cake for after dinner.  Also, maybe you could present a slide-show of your special day and even some photos before your wedding day.  Pictures of you growing up, pictures of him by his first car.  I think stuff like that would be nice without being over-bearing.  Good Luck.

Answer 5

I think it sounds creative and special enough. Just do what you want and make your celebration very joyous. Don't sweat the details. If by "we will pay for everyone's meal" you are talking about a private room in a restaurant or hotel or something like that, decorate it festively, not necessarily Christmasy unless you are into that. I think ice blue with a lot of white twinkle lights etc. would be gorgeous for January 2.

I googled, "The Oaks, Norwich" and cannot quite figure out which place you are talking about. If it is the place out by the airport with traditional pub food then I think the best accessory will be your happiness and glow-y-ness together. That should melt anyone's disapproval quite nicely, and if it doesn't, have another pint and you won't care that much. ;-)

I think you need to do what is genuine to your heart and have a fabulous time.

I also think you should make Christmas plans together as you may not be welcome at either of your family's homes as the cooling off period may take more than 2 days by the time they get the announcement.

Be well and happy and best wishes on an amazing marriage. It sounds like it will be founded on authenticity.

No judgment from me. I even tried to picture my reaction if my daughter (who's only 12 now, but in 10-15+ years as it were) did the same, and I'd be delighted for her and show up with bells on (not literally but in something nice) to see her in all her glowing.

Hopefully I will not be disapproving and thus she won't feel the need to sneak off but if she did privately marry for whatever reason I would not love her any less or make her choice about me. I'd run into The Oaks, wrap my arms around her and say, "Happy New Year, my beautiful girl. Are you happy?"

But that's me.

No judgment here.

Answer 6

Well, one thing you need to consider is who will be your witnesses, because even at a courthouse you need two witnesses.  The second thing you should consider is not saying "secret ceremony" just say "private ceremony".  Also, remember that you will be faced with criticism for that move too, so be prepared.  Anyways, in addition to changing that wording slightly, I would leave it the way you have it, otherwise it will turn into a reception type of thing, which seems to be what you are avoiding in the first place.  Are you sure there aren't a couple people in your life that you would consider inviting to the ceremony?  Friends perhaps?  If you do end up wanting a reception type of event, just plan it as such.  If you want a dinner party, then have a dinner party.  If... you get my drift?  There are a lot of wedding reception sites out there to help you get prepared.  I would consider, in light of the circumstances, making it a shorter party, because too much time, and too many crazy relatives, and too much to drink will really make a mess out of your evening.  Good luck!

Answer 7

My parents did something like that. Though they had invited the children and grandchildren.

We went for a great lunch after the ceremony and then went boating (a bit hard in December I know) Then a fantastic dinner i their favourite restaurant.

I talked to mum asking her what made them do it this way and she said 'Because this is what I wanted'.

Maybe an idea (I don't know where you are, nor your means) is a carriage ride, or even a simple meal in your favourite spot. Or possibly staying at the poshest hotel around. Make it something that has meaning for you without feeling you have to do anything.

Good luck  

Answer 8

If your family has caused you so many troubles, why would you want the day to be special for them? This day has to be special only for you and your husband. The plans you have made so far are perfect. I don't think you need to do anything more.

Answer 9

Make sure someone is there to take pictures.  Also remember what you are doing so that later on in life you don't have regrets about it.

Answer 10

i understand why you'd like to exclude your family, mine sounds a lot like yours.

Make it more special? As in the ceremony or the dinner?

Ceremony- im not sure if your catholic, but you can get your wedding blessed by the pope. all you have to do is send an invitation to the Vatican and a donation. Or you could get a star named after the two of you.

The dinner- I don't know how controlling your family is, but you could have a professional film and photograph your entire wedding and show it at your dinner or send each guest home with a CD of the wedding. Though if your family is really controlling, and would just criticizes the video i wouldn't recommend doing that.  

Answer 11

I think it's a great idea if it worked for you, my only concern is that it's holiday season and you may wanna make sure that the people you want at the dinner party are available and IN TOWN?! :-P

Maybe you can have your wedding cake cut during the party? or how about the bouquet? it's the most exciting part :-)

Hope it all goes well and congrats!!

Answer 12

I've been in your shoes and it is not fun.  I applaud you for having the strength to do as you wish and not put your family ahead of your dreams.  I wish I had been able to do so.  

To make the dinner more special maybe you could have a very small vow ceremony.  You are already married the way you want to be, but this may help your family to cope with not being there.  If they have something to say, you don't really have to worry as much because you did things the way you wanted originally and this would be just for their benefit.  

Just remember, this is your day and you will remember it for the rest of your life.  Don't settle.  Good luck.

Answer 13

My fiance and I are eloping on December 20 also!!  We are doing it at a B & B in Arkansas.  We don't need witnesses.  Honestly, it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job of planning your family notification.  Our families are all spread over several states, so we are not even havinga big dinner with them for the celebration.  For us, marriage is a very personal and intimate union.  We are not excluding anyone, we are just not including them.    

Answer 14

i am not going to judge i just have this to say: the framed picture of you two as a christmas gift is pretty lame! (unless it's your/his parents)

Answer 15

I know how it is with meddling in-laws, I think that is a great idea, cause the day is suppose to be all about the two of you, and you shouldn't have to worry and deal with everyone else on your special day. Don't worry about what they think, just as long as you are happy and satisfied with what you are doing. I think the dinner is a great idea, and the pictures are a great momentum. You could even get the little napkins with your name and date of wedding on them, I know my family like to collect things like that as a reminder. If you can, you could video tape the wedding and get copies for the important family members, such as your parents and your partners parents, if possible. I hope I have helped, congrats on the wedding, and I wish you all the best, and remember, the day is about the two of you and don't worry about anything else on that day than what you two want.

Answer 16

I get why you wouldnt want to tell your family. I'm not judging you at all. If you want to get married to whoever its your decision not anyone elses. I was scared to tell my family. They like my boyfriend (husband now) but we were only 19 and 20 so they thought we were too young but they didnt have anything bad to say about us getting married. We just went to the courthouse. I wish i had a big wedding but maybe after a few years. I just want to tell you to make it special because you dont want to have any regrets. I dont have any regrets marrying him but i do wish i had the big wedding that ive always wanted.

Answer 17

The problem is here,weddings are made special partly by the planning them (, bride's maid dresses, flowers, venue, etc.) and the sharing of that planning & the final celebration with family & friends.

You've opted not to do this. I don't judge.

So the only creativity will be in  the announcements you send out, what you wear, and the flowers you carry...I can't say whether the venue for the meal you've selected will permit any self decorating, or you bringing in your own wedding cake, which would be the other way of being creative...if it's a restaurant they might permit an outside cake but no outside decorations....perhaps wedding favors but you'll have to pass those out yourself.

I'm honestly not sure what you are looking for.....you've got the situation boxed up tight and thus you are extremely limited, especially as far as a restaurant dinner after wards is concerned..just be aware that you may upset some in your family to the point that they will not attend the dinner nor give a gift...they may not even acknowledge the invitation so be prepared for that. A video or pictures of the ceremony at the dinner is ill advised as some may take it as you rubbing it in their faces that they weren't there, and they were only good enough to see it second hand & after the fact....people can have very funny re-actions, especially if they are not supportive of the marriage or the way you went about it.

Just understand that you might be trading one kind of drama for another in case you get you hopes up for a gathering of happy well-wishers....good luck.

Answer 18

Not entirely sure if you mean the ceremony or the celebration; which do you want special & creative ideas for?

If you mean the ceremony, then I would maybe consider writing your own vows to each other & then saying or reading them.  Also, even if the ceremony is private, I would carry a small bouquet of flowers & have a bout. for him; fresh flowers are always nice & they will look better in pictures than having no flowers at all.  

If you mean the celebration, I like the idea of giving them pictures for Christmas, but you might also consider having a book of photos, even if you have them printed & put into a scrapbook yourself, to have out for guests to look at.  It could include pictures from your dating days all the way up to your ceremony.  Or, an alternative to that is to buy some dollar store frames & scatter pics of you as a couple throughout the celebration site.  I would consider a guest book or something like it for guests to sign as well.  Most couples who have private ceremonies, actually go ahead and have some kind of wedding cake they cut at the reception later, b/c it gives the guests the feeling of having experienced at least one traditional "wedding" element.  Of course, that's not essential either.  

Try to just think of some ways to include the guests in your overall happiness as a couple, even if they are not traditional "wedding" elements.

P.S.  Hope I didn't judge!

Answer 19

Hello there well from experience my husband and I did it that way.. We get got married with just my dad and little sister. Then we called and e mail people to let them know. I think the way you are going to do it us just fine.. You need to do what makes you and your partner happy. Its a day for you to remember and look back at and you need to do everything possible to make that happen... So if that is not having no one there..  To me there is nothing wrong with that.. Take Care and Have a wonderful time! :)  

Answer 20

I think what you are planning is more than enough.  If you want to make it more festive, you could order party favors (Hold Everything, Things Remembered, Crate & Barrel and Pottery Barn all sell engraveable gifts)  or, you could order some tastefully colored M&Ms with your names or the wedding date printed on and wrap them in some tulle with a bit of pretty ribbon.  

Answer 21

I'm sorry you've been going through this.  It must be very tough to want support and just get criticism.  Unfortunately, from what you say here, it sounds like they will be critical even if you marry in secret.  That, for lack of a better word, sucks.

I wasn't clear if you wanted help on the actual wedding/elopement or if you wanted something for the meal?

To announce the marriage, you could put the announcement and a photo in cute, identically wrapped boxes.  Have everyone open them at once.

For the dinner you could have some cute decorations with a "surprise" motif.

Either way, I hope it works out for you and your future husband.  Good luck!

Answer 22

IF  IF you decided to include them, invite them to a party and do not mention the marriage until it occurs.  Otherwise find a way to let everyone know that you want them to be a part of your life while you still control your life.  May I suggest, a request from those close to you to write a letter to your future children around the time of your wedding.  Just to let them feel included in your life.

Answer 23

For some couples that do destination weddings, and some family is unable to attend, they have the ceremony taped & replay it at the reception.  That way they can hear your vows & still feel as if they were there to wittness the wedding.

Answer 24

No I cant sorry, you should not have posted this question on here if you cant take peoples honest opinion.

Answer 25

What about possible getting someone to videotape your wedding & show your family it at the celebration?

Also, in the wording of your invitation, maybe use the words "private ceremony". People will definitely understand that you wanted it to be just the 2 of you there but want to celebrate with you. I'm not judging the wording of "secret" but, to me, it makes it sound like it was a secret society induction or what-not (plus, once you let people know, it's not longer a "secret")

I had a cousin who kinda did the same thing. Except he invited my grandparents to "dinner" & got married at the restaurant. Then, sent us the announcements after, saying it was a private ceremony.

Anyways, if that's how you want your wedding, then do not let anyone criticize you. It should be how you & your fiance want it & not how anyone else does.

Answer 26

The first thing you should do is not call it a secret ceremony, but a  private ceremony.  It sound more romantic and less harsh.  But, maybe have a photographer to take pictures of everyone, or wear a nice white/ivory gown and your husband a suit to match so it feels more like a wedding celebration.  Your family may appreciate this being that they won't see you walk down the ailse and all of that.

Answer 27

if they wull be so mad at you the day befor why would they be happy the day after?

doesnt make sense to me!  sounds like ya are setting yorself up for a world of hurt!   maybe just send them an announcement and see what they say first, then after that set up a dinner party or somthing.  

Answer 28

Hmm, do you mean you want to make the celebration dinner more special? That sounds like a great idea, hun. Not sure why you were receiving negative comments, but probably because you didn't include the information about your family before, so we all assume your family is normal and loving :)

You can make it more special by finding a restaurant that has a special party room or something, so that it's more private, and allow people to make toasts (or maybe not, if you think they won't have anything nice to say). Also, take pictures from your wedding day, and have them ready for the dinner to show everyone. It'll be great to give them all a framed picture, but they'll want to see more details, so take and bring as many pictures as possible.

What's going to make the day special is talking about your wedding day, and what you and your future husband shared. Talk about how you wanted a secluded wedding with just the two of you because that's what made you happy. Hopefully they'll all be supportive, and that's what will make it special.

Answer 29

Just do whatever makes you happy. Have the wedding of your dreams. When you tell your family let them know your feelings toward your fiancee. Maybe have a few people you trust there to support you when you tell your parents and at your wedding. Sorry im not much help im 15, but theres some advice.