Would like advice about loving a married man?

Question

Ok, here is the story. About 15 years ago, I fell in love with someone that was 3 years younger than me. I was 22 and he was 19. We were together about 2 years and planned to get married, but shortly after he turned 21, he decided he wanted to be single again and we broke it off.

Well, I am now 38 and he is 35, and about 6 months ago I sent him an email via Classmates and we have been talking just about daily ever since. He is married with 2 kids and I am in the middle of getting a divorce and I also have 2 kids. We also now live in different states.

After talking for about a month, he told me that not marrying me was the biggest mistake of his life. That he has always loved me. Well, to say I was shocked is an understatement. I still love him too, for the man I remember him to be and the man that he has become.

He has said that he is glad that I have forgiven him for hurting me like he did and I told him that I understand. He was young and stupid.

Well, we both really want to have a life together, but don't see how we can right now. I can't leave where I live without giving up custody of my kids (it's in the divorce decree), which is something I can't do. My kids need me. He also doesn't want to loose being able to see his kids all the time, which would happen if he moved to where I live.

We have decided not to see one another because he doesn't want to cheat on his wife and I respect that. So we have decided to just remain a bit more than just friends and continue to talk on the computer and occasionally on the phone. Hoping that someday we can be together.

Would just like to hear what other people think of our situation and listen to some advice.

Thanks to all who respond.

Answer 1

If his wife doesn't know about all your phone calls and the fact you're a little 'more than friends' than he's already cheating.  Do you respect that?

Hoping that someday a spouse will die, your kids will move out of the house after growing up, he'll leave his wife or whatever circumstances will lead up to your 'being together' is hardly worth respecting.

Just because his life may be in the crapper, doesn't mean it would have been any better with you over these 15 years. You see the good side of him over phone and email and webchat after his wife goes to sleep, but I bet his wife see's the bad. Unfortunately for her, not all of it.

I agree with Lucy, take pride in the fact he screwed up and move on with your life, without him. Sounds like he made two bad choices that you know of(dumping you and ending up in a bad marriage), out of how many? His track record isn't all that great. Quite frankly, neither is yours.

Answer 2

he is married not divorced - he is OFF LIMITS

things happen for a reason - he is no longer available to you

the mature thing to do is break off this 'affair' before it becomes a physical one - and should you continue this 'online' and phone keeping in touch relationship it WILL become physical -

if you respected his marriage or his wife at all - you would no longer have any communication with this man -  

you will always have your memories, and for right now, that is all you are entitled to - you will have to come to terms and deal with that

both of you are only thinking of yourselves at this moment - your excuse now is 'for the kids' to not consummate the relationship - the longer you are in this the less those reasons will become important to you

Answer 3

So it sounds like if he were willing to cheat your dumb a** would be right there....very sad...I totally understand where you are coming from, but its not right out of respect for his wife to keep contact w/him! In hopes of???? Come on now, grow up....get divorced let it marinate then move on!!! What was meant to be already happened!!!!!

Answer 4

The best thing is wait, you really don't know if you can trust him & do you want a man who would disrespect his wife as he has been doing with you.

Answer 5

I don't believe that you were at all shocked to hear that he had always loved you. I think that that is what you wanted and expected to hear and that is why you decided to track him down and email him through Classmates.

Just because your marriage was messed up does not give you the right to go and tamper with someone else's marriage. If you feel ready to go and start dating again, do so, but not with a married man. You really need to stay out of his marriage and out of his life. It's stirring desires within both of you that are not at all proper while he is married.

Your primary focus right now really ought to be your children and finalising your divorce. Then if you feel ready to join the dating world, find someone free and available. Leave the married men alone.

Answer 6

When the day comes that my ex finally admits to making a huge mistake by leaving me, I will be so overcome with joy and vindication I wouldn't DREAM of spoiling it by giving him another chance.  Better to be the object of someone's unrequited love, desire and regret than remind him why he left you.

Answer 7

While on the surface it sounds good what your doing there is going to be serious problems in the long run.  First off, just by admitting his feelings for you and talking about them with you on a regular basis you are undermining his marriage.  To discuss a possible future is unfair to both of you.  You can't live your life hoping things simply work out and that you two will be together.  You deserve a life and love now and in the future.  No matter how good this feels and how much you hope for it, it isn't realistic.  You need to admit the obstacles and the pain that would be caused in continuing in this mode.  You both deserve to live your life fully and to be able to focus on the lives your living fully.  Right now neither of you can do this.  Instead your stuck without true love and he is denying his wife the love she deserves.

Answer 8

First of all your messing with this guys life and that of his wife's and children.  Truly you should not communicate with him at all unless he is single once again.  Think about it if this was your husband would you want him communicating with an ex. GF?.  Really this is simple common sense use your brain.  Write him one last time and just tell him that you know what my feelings are but I feel strongly that we not communicate unless you possibly get a divorce and are single.  I do not mean to be in the middle of a argument between you and your wife and sense this would is what it would be.  Couples should not keep secrets from each other and I feel that you would not tell her about me.

In all reality I seem it very far fetched he will divorce his wife and mess up what he has with her and his 2 kids just to be with you?.

Answer 9

"we have decided to just remain a bit more than just friends"

You are both treading on dangerous ground.  He has a family.....with kids!  My advice is to stop communications with him and move on.  You don't want to be a "home wrecker", regardless of the situation.  Do him, his wife, his kids and yourself a favor and leave him alone, whether he wants you to or not.

Answer 10

the decision you made was the correct, mature one. good for you.  

Answer 11

There are roughly 3 Billion men in this world.

I can never understand why some of you women have to track down old flames.  Honestly.....

Answer 12

Frankly, at this point, your kids deserve to be your top priority. If you were to abandon them for love, they would never understand (because there is nothing to understand).

I think the best thing to do is to guard your heart.

The fact that he is still married is why. Date someone else. I know that you still love him, but you need to give him space until he figures out what he wants to do with his life. Don't cloud his thinking with your loving emails. Let him make the decision if it is really impossible to live with his current wife, who he did make promises to. I think that is what a man of honor would do. I really couldn't have respect for someone, no matter how much I loved them, if they would throw away all of their commitments for a booty call, even if it is with the old flame.

If, in time, he does divorce her. He now is aware that you have feelings for him. He will come look you up when that time comes, if it is meant to be.

By that time, you may have already met someone better, someone who never did break your heart. Then he will just have to pay the price for letting you go in the first place.

Answer 13

Move on! He is married. Move on and don't call him, e-mail him or anything. Go find someone who is single. If he leaves his wife for you...... Your are a HOME WRECKER! Grow up! Much more responsibility in your life now. Not like it was back then. I bet if you two did ever get back together, it would not last long because you will remember why you did not marry in the first place.