Would like opinions from adoptees please?

Question

When I was 17, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, and because of the circumstances surrounding his birth, placed him for adoption with a wonderful family. I'm just afraid that he'll think I didn't love him because I wasn't able to keep him. I am unable to contact him (he'll be allowed to look for me if he wants once he graduates high school) to tell him how much I love him. I would like to know how some of you who were adopted feel about your birth mothers.

Answer 1

I know my birth mother did not love me because she was a self centered, self serving parasite.  She abused my adoptive parents by constantly threatening to take me back and kill me if they didn't give her more money which she spent on drugs and partying.  She did this several times during the waiting period before my adoption was finalized.  She had another child and she did the same thing with that one.  Knowing this I cannot have anything but negative feelings for her.  I met her when I was 16 and meeting her did not change my impression of her at all.  It was a mistake because it caused me to feel even more confusion.  I didn't always have a real good life with my adoptive family either, I think because there was some resentment toward her and my bio father that spilled over on to me.  I always heard my dad's side of the family saying I was going to grow up to be just like her and that was not meant as a compliment.

Sorry if this is not the kind of answer you had hoped for but it is what happened in my case.  I hope in some way it can help you.

Good luck.

Answer 2

You can find adoption search and reunion stories at http://www.findmybiologicalparents.com

Answer 3

I was adopted in 1966 and raised with a loving family always knowing I was adopted.  I always thought about my birth mother.  Always.  I searched for her in 1999 and found her in 2000.  She did not want to be found and refused contact with me and that all but broke my heart.  Please keep your son in your heart always.  He is in good hands, will know he is adopted, and when he is 18, he can search for you, but you can also search for him if you wish.  Have you read the book "The Girls Who Went Away"?  It is about birth mothers from a different era than you, but still gives some insight to the feelings and treatment of young birth mothers.  Join a support group ASAP.  Remember that you are not alone.  By the way, I also searched for and met my birth father who is as awesome as can be and is my new favorite person in the whole world.  Good luck.  I can't imagine how hard it must be for you.

Answer 4

I was adopted as a baby. My mom was 16 years old. I met her and my birth fatrher when I was a teen. I believe that your child will be very glad to meet you one day as this will answer a lot of questions, but in my experience, I can see both of my birth parents as they really are and they have not changed. If you are a loving person, then you will only enrich the child's life. In my case, my birth mother went on to abandon one of my younger siblings shortly after my birth and she still fades in and out of my life and breaks promises. She lives 1000 miles away (for a selfish reason) and when she comes to visit our home town, she can only be bothered to spend one night with my sister and I. As for my birth father, he is a minister who is so contented with his new life and family, he cannot be bothered to drive the 10 miles to meet his own grandchildren. In this way, meeting my birthparents was/is devastating. Although they each went on to have more children, neither one is really fit to be a parent

Answer 5

I was adopted as a newborn. I am now 36 yrs. old and am very thankful that my birth mother had the strength to put me up for adoption. My adoptive parents are the best. I have been extremely blessed in my life and to think how different it could've been if my birth mother had try to do it herself or she had terminated the pregnancy. I have never met my birth mother and have no idea who she is, but I love her for loving me enough to put me up for adoption. I have known all my life that I'm adopted and feel very blessed. I can't say I know how you feel, but I can tell you that you are a wonderful and special person to realize that you couldn't do it yourself and gave your child a chance to be blessed like I've been. I now face trying to adopt because I had to have an emergency hysterectomy at 23 yrs. old. My husband and I know that God will bless us with a child just as I was blessed with my adoptive parents. All this to say, the only way I have made it is with God. I couldn't have done it without my Faith in Him! That's who I turn to and I encourage you to do the same! I know sometimes it's difficult. I don't always understand why I had to have a 5 pound tumor in my stomach, but God has a plan and I hold on to that truth!!! I will be praying for you!

Answer 6

I was adopted when I was 6 because my parents were deceased, but I can give you a little insight. It totally depends on his personality how he is going to feel about you. I think you did the right thing by giving him up to give him the best life possible. I do hope that he has been told that he was adopted. I always knew (of course) that I was adopted and I feel that this is the only way that I was able to adjust. I feel that it is just terrible when a child finds this out when they are older. It also depends on how the adoptive parents speake about you to him (assuming that he knows he's adopted). I hope that they speak well of you because of the brave and giving sacrifice that you made for your baby. Best of luck with this situation. He will find you when he is ready. We always do. Don' lose heart if it takes another 20 years. He has to be ready.

Answer 7

As an adoptive parent, and supporter of open adoptions, I can offer this to you.

It appears that the adoptive parents do not wish to have any contact until the child is 18, I feel that is unfortunate.

My advice is to start journaling.  Write down all of your feelings.  You can write to your son, as if you were talking to him, then, when he turns 18, what a beautiful gift.  Do not hide or sugar coat anything.  Be honest, and true to your feelings.  Not only will this be good for him, but also, great therapy for you.  Also, start a mini hope chest. Put pictures of yourself from each season in it with a little story of what you were doing that day, ie;  a day at the beach, etc., so he will have some history as well.

You have a long wait ahead of you.  Try to focus on you, make healthy choices, join support groups for your depression, (there are birthmother support groups), and keep busy.  Good Luck, and Peace to you.

Answer 8

A thought occured: if your main concern is him not knowing how much you love him (especially since you can't contact him), you could periodically write him a letter and keep it. Later on when you do finally get to meet him, you can pass those letters you've written throughout the years. A sort of journal of your thoughts and feelings of him and even your daily activities. This way he'd be able to get to know you later on.

This 'project' will take years, I know, but I think it would work. And make a copy of the letters/journal for your keepsake as well.....

Answer 9

I dont think that there was any time in my life that I thought for one minute that my birth mother didnt love me. When I was young I was always told that she did by my parents (even though they had never met her) and as I grew older I realized that she had gone to great care to make sure I was adopted by a loving, caring family who were able to give me a better start in life than she could at the time. It must have been painful for her at the time to give me up, and while I dont know all of her reasons for doing so, I truly believe that we are both better for it

Answer 10

Don't worry so much, at least you know he has a great family, so he's fine! :)  Personally, l never thought anything much about my bio 'mom', she was the lady who had me so l could be with my parents!  My parents were totally open with all of us about our adoptions, we talked about them and celebrated them all the time, l had absolutely NO resentment towards either of my bio 'parents'.  When they sought me out at 20, l was reluctant at first to meet them, not for any particular reason, l just wasn't that interested, but when l agreed to meet them they were lovely people!  l now have an aquaintance/friendship with them, but not a real relationship.  l don't mean this to sound harsh, but try not to overload him too much with how much you love him if you do meet him, just because l know how guilty that would make me feel......and that's not fair, it wasn't anyones fault that he was adopted, so just be happy for him, and try not to put too much emotional baggage on him.  Good luck finding him in the future, l hope you can put your mind to rest!

Answer 11

I am fine with it and understand the circumstances that determined why I was adopted (at birth).  Every situation is very different and it will depend on him and how his parents approached it with him.  Most adoptees understand why choices are made and many choose to search once they are of age.

Answer 12

I am a 35 year old adoptee. I was given up for adoption at birth and adopted at two months old. My birth mother was 23 when she had me and already had four other children.  I found out that I was adopted when I was eight years old from the neighbors kids (my adoptive parents never told me, and I grew up as an only child).  Once I found out I never asked them even up until the time that I found my birth mom in when I was 29 in 2002.  Depending on what state you live in it may be considered as a closed seal state and your son may or may not be able to access his information even at 18 years of age just depending.  I thank God for my birth mom giving me a better chance at life by putting me up for adoption.  My siblings that grew up with her are all disfunctional because of things they went through while living with her.  I thought about her over the years and wondered where she was and what she looked like etc.  I always wondered why she made the decision that she made before I found her but I guess I never really thought about it in terms of did she love me or not.  Now that I have been in contact with her for five years and we live in the same city I can say that we are friends.  I will always be closer to my adoptive parents than I am to her because they are all that I knew up until I was 29 years old.  I think what hurts her most is that I have children now and my children don't really know her and she doesn't know them.  I think one reason she won't get to know them is because she feels like they already have grandparents.  Nevertheless, things will get better over time and hopefully he will know that you love him and will allow you to be a part of his life.

Answer 13

Speaking from what I feel, as a kid and as a grown up, I have totally understood the love my birth mother had to have had for me to give me this wonderful chance in life, as well as how hard it must have been for her. I owe her for everything. My whole life! Not once growing up did I think of her in a negative way. She put my needs in front of her own! If your circumstances were that you could not care for him in the way you would have liked to, I am 100 % sure he will be greatful that he has been given a chance at life that he might have not gotten if you were not as brave and selfless as you are. You did a good thing. Feeling sad is human. It will take time to adjust to what you had to do. It is a loss for you. I think you are amazing for what you did for your baby, and I know (from personal experience) that he will too.  It is ok to miss him. It is ok to be sad. But know, in your heart, you did the right thing and in the long run your baby will be able to go so far and trust me, in his heart, he will know how brave and amazing  his birth mother is, and that she did it all for him.

Answer 14

i was adopted-- i feel it was a good thing-- if my mother couldn't take care of me the way she wanted to than she did the right thing!! i love my adoptive family!!  i have lived a great life!! and it wouldn't be possible for me to not wanna meet my mother b/c of i thought she gave me up b/c she didn't like me... i dont wanna meet my birth mom b/c i am scared-- and i am too young to think about it!! i wanna live my life the way she probablly hoped i was gonna live!!  one day i will want to meet her- but for now i just wanna love the ppl i was given to!! i do sometimes think about her wondering what shes like andif i have any siblings but that would be the only reason!! i wanna know if i have a fun family-- but i know i already have a great family and she probablly did out of respect!! i am 14 now and love who i turned out to be ihope if i ever meet my mom she will too!!!

Answer 15

i just read chali (above) answer. how sad.

i am an adoptee, and i absolutely love my birthmother. she IS NOT mom, but she is one of my favorite people in the world. i found her about 7 years ago.

i know alot of adoptees that have hard feelings for birthparents, andi just dont understand this. she gave me a gift, her life was so screwed up and i had a stable life. not a great life, but very stable.

prepare for the worst, but hopefully it will not be like that.

you are strong and were able to realize the mistakes you made and not drag your son along for a rough ride, be proud of yourself for that. go into my profile, i asked a question about birthmothers and adoptive mothers and got some wonderful answers. this may make you feel better.

good luck, i truly wish you the best

Answer 16

My husband was adopted and we just fount his biological mother in 2001.  She had to give him up because she was raped and she couldn't give him the life he needed.  That there showed how much she loved that little boy she gave birth to.  My husband keeps in touch with her through the email and we see her every now and then.  But I am ever grateful she had the courage and love for him to put him up for adoption because if she didn't then I probably wouldn't be married to him.  Anyone who puts up a child for adoption is showing great courage and love for that child.