Would somebody like to score this?

Question

I'm doing some practice for the SAT essay and I just wrote an essay today. Please be very critical when you score it (1-6). I would like to have A LOT of feedback so I can do better next time.

Topic:

Is deception ever justified?

My Essay:

Many people believe that deception can be justified. They believe that lies are just "harmless social untruths" told to protect an individual. I, too, once believed in this thesis. But what happens when one believes in a lie and takes it to the next level? What if one were to act on behalf of what they were told and humiliates oneself in public?In these cases, the value of honesty is clear.

Last December, my church diosces held an Ecumenical Christmas program, in which various churches from the New York- New Jersey area compete for a title and trophy. Individuals or groups may represent their church in competing for first, second, or third place titles in categories such as singing, elocution, or acting as long as it is relevant to the Christmas theme. One of my closest friends, Sheryll, had asked me for feedback on her singing in order for her to decide whether she should participate in the competition. As I listened to her horrible singing, I tried to keep my eyes from wandering away. Although I knew she didn't belong on that stage, I gave her a smile and encouraged her to give it a try. She willingly agreed, confident from my postive feedback. Not only did she embarrass herself that night, she lost the title for our church. She immediately knew I had lied and didn't speak to me for days. In that time, i realized that I caused humiliation to someone I had cared about deeply. Eventually, Sheryll forgave me and I promised her and myself that I would not repeat that mistake with anyone.

Although I was originlly trying to protect my friend, I ended up hurting her in the end. Now I understand that deception cannot be justified even if one has good intentions. If one truly cares for someone, he or she will simply tell their loved one the truth.

______________________________________...

That was it. I tried to mix life experience with my message to make it more effective. I hope I did well. Be critical, don't worry about being rude.

Answer 1

WHO GIVES A **** !

NERD.

Answer 2

I would give this a 2. Your sentence structure and vocab are ok, but be careful of spelling and grammar errors. You should never use "I" in a formal essay. And you can't say things like "Individuals or groups may represent their church in competing. . ." Their church is incorrect unless all these people go to the same church. They have many churches, not just one. And you must say in competition. Competing is a verb or a gerund, not a noun.

"Individuals or groups may represent their churches in competition" would be correct.

However, the biggest problem with the essay is your evidence--life experience does not make your essay more convincing; it does the opposite. What happened to you doesn't convince me of anything. Use examples (there should be more than one) that your reader is familiar with or can look up. For this essay, the story of the Trojan Horse would be perfect. (It would prove the opposite point--that deception can be justified.)  Or if you want to stick with proving that deception cannot be justified, try To Kill a Mockingbird. When someone lied in that story, a man's life was at stake. Doesn't that make a stronger point than your friend's feelings being hurt? There are TONS of examples like that from books you've read in school or things you've studied in class. Use this opportunity to prove that you learned what you were supposed to in high school.

You did set your example up properly--you gave your reader some background on your example and then told why it proved your point--so you have a good start. Just remember that your job here is to convince your reader of something. Which is more convincing: A story I've heard before and know is true (like the Trojan Horse or To Kill a Mockingbird) or a story about your friend being embarrassed that you could've made up for all I know?

And as a side note, it's probably best not to use religious examples because you don't know who is going to be grading your essay and what he or she believes.

Answer 3

Overall format is good ( topic sentence, examples, restatement sentence)

Read it aloud to spot a few usage errors such as competed, and a few awkward phrases.

Use a grammar and spelling check on a word processor to catch some spelling errors ( diocese) and capitalizing the pronoun I.

If you need to make it longer, you could include some sentences on alternate ways you could have handled it.  For example, you could have tape recorded it, have your friend listen to it and ask her what she thought... Compliment her on something , then gently get to the point.  " Sherryl, you are so brave to be willing to attempt this.  Do you feel ready? ... Sheryl, I'm not really an expert on this type of music/ competition.  Have you asked ... ( Choir master, priest, music teacher  etc.)...  Sherryl, do you want me to be nice or to be brutally honest?...

Answer 4

Is deception ever justified?

First, I would like to say this is a good essay and might well pass, but you asked for criticism, and I wouldn't want to lie. You have a good voice and your story flows, with a topic sentence, and a good concluding sentence. You never wander from your topic and you do keep things well sequenced.

Now then, I believe it would be: the  New York and New Jersey area. Also, I got a little lost in the second paragraph when you started with past tense, switched to present tense even though the story was in the past, and went back to past tense. I prefer past tense, however; my son tells me I write like a third grader, and I always tell him that's because I taught third grade for too many years.

Also, I don't believe you proved that lying is never justified. In the case that you used to illustrate your position, lying was definetly wrong, but I don't think you can make a judgement that it is always wrong using just one case. I have been told that when you are writing for a test be careful not to use absolutes, always and never.

On a scale from 1-6, for someone entering college, and remember I have no experience here, I would probably give it a 3 or 4 based on my expectations. I think it is a good essay but would take off points for the reasons I listed. Hope this helps, good luck to you.