Would the degree of loss for Adoptees be the same in Open Adoption?

Question

I know open adoption is not the case for many adoptees here but if you were to imagine your life having contact and a relationship with your nmother since birth would your feeling of loss be as severe?

I'm not suggesting there would be no loss as I understand the loss of being seperated from the natural mother...I'm just wondering if having all the answers from the get-go would have been better than the experience you had of growing up with no personal history.

Answer 1

Editorial note:  If you're going to read this, please don't stop halfway through.  Especially the adoptive parents out there.  Please!

My adoption was a closed one.  I'm in contact with my first mother and father now and it's great.  I don't know for sure if it would have been better or worse or just the same.

So...having said that, I'm doing what you asked -- imagining my life having contact and a relationship with my first mother since birth.  And, for the record, I'm only speaking about my case.  No other...and no 'generalities'.

Here goes:

I feel if I'd had contact and a relationship with my first mother (first family) since birth my feeling of loss would actually have been greater, not less.  Here's why.  In experiencing my childhood (in my adoptive family) and having spoken at great (extensive...tremendous...what other superlatives can I use?) length with my bio siblings about their lives and experiences, and building a relationship with my first mother, I have concluded that, had I known them at the time (and 'matching up' timetables, as it were) I would have been devastated...destroyed...completely undone each and every time they 'left' (or I 'left') from a visit and they didn't take me with them...or I didn't get to stay.

It's not any ONE thing, either.  They didn't have any more - or any less - money than my adopted parents.  I would even have had the exact same number of siblings (3) in either case (although with my first family I would have been the oldest).  There wasn't more or less love (that I can detect) in either place.   There wasn't more or less support in either place.  The only way I can describe it...I think...is 'fit'.  I blend perfectly, naturally, cohesively, automatically with my natural family.  I don't with my adopted family.  Depsite having spent 30-odd years with my adopted parents (and that hasn't changed, I still live 40 miles from my parents and 1800 miles from my first family) it still feels, most of the time, like we are speaking two different languages, coming from two different cultures, and that we are barely acquainted.  I'm now 4+ years into my reunion with my first family and from, basically, day one it was as natural as breathing (breathing easily, even).  It's easy, it's comfortable, it's fun.  I'm never afraid of being misunderstood. (I was at first, though, based on my entire life up to that point.)  

Imagine suddenly finding yourself in a foreign country.  (Or perhaps on another planet.)  One you'd never seen, heard of, or read about.  One you didn't know existed until you found yourself there.  Imagine the inhabitants of that place are kind, lovely people who try, with everything they can muster, to help you, love you, treat you well, everything they can think of to make you feel like you belong.  That you are one of their own.  But you don't speak the language.  Eventually you 'learn' it enough to get by and communicate and get your basic needs met, but it's never your 'native' tongue.  Imagine, then, that you have brief glimpses of 'home' and all that the word (and feeling) of 'home' suggests.  The familiar, the comfortable.  The foods, the sights, sounds, smells.  The language you know and are totally 'inside of' in the sense that you can speak (and not speak) humorously, and sarcastically, and metaphorically, and in only half-structured or incomplete sentences sometimes...and be understood.  And know that you are understood.  And then imagine that those glimpses are brief and spaced out (even if they are regular and frequent) and that each time the 'moment' is over, you are there...in that unfamiliar, but good, place.  And all you want is to go to that other place -- with those people -- that represent 'home'.  So you can finally just 'be'.

That feeling of naturalness, of 'native'-ness, of total, natural, effortless inclusion is what I experienced when I reunited with my first mother.  And when I met my bio siblings.  And my first father.

And I finally see my face...my features...somewhere other than in the mirror.  That never mattered much to me (still doesn't) but it's pretty cool.  I look like my mom.  I look like my aunt.  I look (startlingly) like my grandmothers...both of them.  And my sisters (sorta) look like me!  :-)

If I'd had that in childhood, it would have been too much for me to bear.  I would not have done well.  I would not have had the skills to cope with my 'regular' home -- the one I was raised in.

That's what I think, anyway.

Again, I'm speaking only to my experience.  I love my parents dearly.  ALL of my parents.  I have a deep, special and totally unique respect for my adopted parents, though.  And it is for them ONLY.  Raising me could not have been easy.  They did a marvelous job.  And, I have to say, if I was as 'different' to their perceptions as they were to mine, they never let on.  They will always have the deepest love of my heart and soul.

Answer 2

Dear Cam,

I think it would be beneficial for many and would help limit the feelings of loss for most people. (It would have to be a REAL open adoption - not one of these, visit at McDonald's for an hour a few times a year situations to be truly effective.) Of course, ALL situations are different and there will always be some who feel loss no matter what and some who would prefer not to know their first families. But over all, I think it would help more that it would hurt.

I wish EVERY situation was handled properly for itself instead of thinking that there is a "textbook" or "blanket" solution for every situation...

ETA: You are doing the right thing! I think you are a good egg and am happy that you are doing this for your child!  I am sure you are doing your best to do and be everything she needs and she will be happier and healthier because YOU took the time to think about HER first!

Answer 3

I didn't have an open adoption but I did know my bio grandparents. For me all my questions were answered and there have never been feelings of loss or abandonment. How a person deals with things is individual. For some it would probably help and for others it might lead to other questions and problems. It all depends on the child and how they cope with things

Answer 4

Our open adoption is similar in that we have extended visits in our home, calls, emails etc. just as with the rest of our extended families. DS is only a toddler though, so I can't guaage his feelings on the topic as a whole yet.

We all hope this will benefit him, and we believe it will, but there's not much research available yet.

I am also very curious if some adoptees feel they would have benefited from a very open situation like this.

Answer 5

All humans are different and there is no way to predict how anyone will react. Some people can process things easier than others. That's why its always best to just be truthful.  

I know as a human being that the more information (real facts not just here say and opinions) that I have, I'm able to process things better and make better decisions than with only limited information. Forgiveness and understanding is a big part in any recovery and its becomes harder to do when people withhold the information needed, whether it be painful information or not.  As an Ap its important to make sure its told at an early age and with compassion.

Think of it like having cancer and your in the hands of the best doctor in the world but he doesn't waste his time giving you the little details of information that can help you understand and aid in coping with the psychological affects. There's a sense of security (because he's the best)but at the same time its not enough to help you cope so you can get over the psychological effects.