Would this be considered passive aggressive behavior?

Question

It seems to me that a "friend" is trying to get to me, but puts on a "I don't know what you're talking about" attitude. Example-I don't work outside the home at present, but in my defense, I've worked in the past for many years. She is always bringing up certain people she knows who don't have employment, and refers to them as "sitting on their @ss all day" When I ask her if that's what she thinks of me, she says "Oh, no! I certainly don't mean YOU!" Right, well, I feel like she's just trying to "rub it in", anyway. My husband and I sent her balloons and a small gift to her work place on her birthday, she told all her co-workers it was from her husband instead of us. Well, whatever, but why did she have to TELL me she told them that? She asked me to dog-sit her two dogs for her for a few days while she went on a class trip with her kids. While I was there, to help out and keep busy I did a little house cleaning for her, she's always complaining about not having time herself. I didn't expect anything except a "Thanks so much!", but I never got anything except a snub from her. Am I reading too much into it? Am I over-sensitive? I've really backed away from the friendship over the summer. Anyone have any advice? Thanks. (There's more to it, but you get the idea)

Answer 1

First just make sure you don't harbor feelings of resentment towards her for anything she has or hasn't done in your friendship. Have you failed to thank her for small favors or mis-identified to others the source of a boon she brought to you?

Once you've cleared your own air, take some time to think of things she has done that make her friendship valuable to you. With this, you can start the conversation from a place of friendship rather than accusation.

If she doesn't respond, you may need to acknowledge the death of a friendship, mourn its passing, and move on.

Answer 2

Deffinatley! Your best bet is to talk it over.

NO you are deffinitley not over sensitive!

Seriously, she is no friend!

Of course you can't just tell her that you're not friends anymore for some reason, you can definitely tell her everything that has bugged you with the approach she was giving you.

If you think she has a good enough reason. Great your friends!

If not. You can give in a few diffences and if in the end, you both disagree. You can still be nice, but remember, your only aquantince with her, so don't give her any gifts for nonoccasional days.

Hope this helps.

Answer 3

Whether or not it is "passive aggressive" behavior (the comments do seem to be), it is definitely horrible behavior from a friend.

If you see the way she is to your face, how she talks behind the backs of others, and you know that she wasnt even gracious about the gift from you and your husband, I think that you will notice how you have been the better person (in your version of the story) though this.

I think that you would be wise to bring it up with her at lunch.  Talk to her as clearly as you have voiced these issues here and "politely demand" an explanation.  Have you ever remained friends with someone like this before?  How did it work out?  People like this should be called on their disrespect and should be as friendless as their personality would normally dictate.  It is great that you are giving her a chance to explain herself and apologize...many others wouldnt be as tolerant.  I hope she understands that.

Good luck.....you deserve better, one way or the other.  

Answer 4

I see that you are a friend, I have no idea what she is. What model broom does she drive?

((((HUGS))))

Answer 5

Life is too short to force yourself to maintain relationships that are uncomfortable or ambiguous.  There is a former friend that on EVERY occasion that we'd talk she would say something akin to what you described where I would end up spending the afternoon wondering, "what did she mean by that?"  After a few times of that I just decided that it wasn't worth the hassle. So now whenever I see her I yell out,  "Sorry, but I have to be somewhere." (and I do - everyone HAS to be SOMEWHERE, and I just want to be anywhere but there !).

Answer 6

If you want to be her friend let me ask you this...are you happy with the life your leading right now..content..don't feel you need to defend your decisions?  Then take her to lunch let your happiness reflect in your conversation..when lunch is over tell her she is your friend you love her no matter what and pay for lunch...don't forget the tip...and best wishes...and if you choose to do this..i'd like to know if it helped or not..again  good luck!

Answer 7

Maybe it's passive-aggressive, but there could be other explanations.  The work thing could be related to her own unhappiness with having to work for a living while some of her friends constantly brag about not working and complain about what she sees as their easy lives. She might not consider you to be a part of that group.  True, you don't work, but do you rub her nose in it like some of her other friends might?  If you don't, then she probably doesn't even consider you as part of the group that she's complaining about.

The balloon thing could just be the fact that she's trying to make her relationship with her husband look better than it is. She might just wish that he was as thoughtful as you are to her.

As far as the housecleaning thing is concerned, she might feel embarrassed that you thought her house was dirty enough to go in and clean it for her.  Some folks are very sensitive about things like this.

Answer 8

I do fully understand. It wasn't from "a friend" but a daughter-in-law.I got on SS early for a disability and her mother was turned down. She feels I got it by lies (I was sent to 16 different doctors by SS to verify my disability) By the way 13 of them said I was total and two thought I was 75 % Any way, ever time I'm around her and her mother she's talking about "but of course my mom had to work all her life to get SS."I feel this is a direct insult to me.  When I was working I gave a huge amount of help and money to her and family to help them out.Even when I got a lump sum from SS for back earnings, I helped them out.AM I being childish or do I have a right to feel unappreciated?  So I can understand where you're coming from, Get away from this woman.  She has a serious problem that you can't help her with.Why bring yourself down when to keep a friendship with someone not deserving of it?  Get out girl and be too busy or sick on the lunch date.  If you do go, lay it on the line and let her know where you stand.  If I ever get the chance that's what I'm going to do.So far I've been staying away.Maybe it's time for me to clear things up too.

Answer 9

You do not need friends like this.  She is a user and a liar.  It's no wonder she had to lie about the birthday gift.

Save yourself a lot of heartache and time, honey - drop this abuser immediately.  Looks like you will never be good enough for her.

I see her as a very lonely woman in her later years.

Move on and be happy!

Answer 10

Sounds like you will never get sincere appreciation from that person. There are people like that and I too have a hard time understanding it. If I do good by someone, I don't necessarily expect a big to-do over it but would like a simple "thank you". I know a person whom I have done dog-sitting for and her house is usually a big mess. So she went on vacation and I not only took care of the dogs (which she did pay me for) but I also did a bang up job of cleaning her house and left a pot of homemade spaghetti for her and family as they were flying in late that night. She informed me later that she could make spaghetti much better than mine and I never got a thank you for the housekeeping. SOOO.. I just don't do it anymore. Simple. People like that do not deserve our kindness.

Answer 11

She's a friend all right:  always there when she needs you.  She is just using you to do things for her.  She belittles you and your husband to make herself feel better(about the balloons and gift, I think her husband didn't give her anything and she was trying to save face).  She's mean and selfish, drop her.

Answer 12

She sounds envious to me. Bringing it up will do nothing but make things worse. Unless you're needing this friendship for some reason, I'd simply find reasons to not associate with her. If she ever asks why; simply tell her she hurts your feelings and you don't need that in your life.