Would u tell me what do u think?Any suggestions!!?

Question

A day Dream

Her fingers were combing her short hair and rubbing the mole in the back of her head when she woke up to notice two drops of blood on her finger…

Her blue small eyes, were gazing unseeing the football match on the television immediately in front of her, she was alerted that her team scored a goal, she felt excited but what wondered her more was the question “how did I miss that!!!”

After she cleaned her finger in a tissue, she has tried really to remember what was occupying her mind, till she surrendered and continued to eat her chips and watch the rest of the match.

.. . . . . . .

“hey, wake up Sara !!! Why are you sleeping here? Come on get up and go to your bed”, it seemed to her that she is sleeping in the wrong place as usual and that her roommate, who is her best friend, is trying desperately to awake her up, and that she is not going to wake up till the next day when she finds that her neck hurts her and that she is late again!! It seemed to her that these words she is hearing now are rejoicing that she will wake up and find a note on her desk that says: “he called you yesterday, and asked me to tell you that he wants to see you,, call him, he seems tired. Bye now, I’ll cook Spaggittie bring some tomato with you”.

She has gone again

. . . .

The night was quite, it was more quite than her heavy breathing which seemed to her so heavy because of the two heavy covers her friend has put on her. She has gone again, but it seemed to her that what was returning her to the voice of the night is something she ignores, totally ignores, and it seemed to her that it doesn’t worth thinking about it. And she has gone again.

A voice that seemed to be her mother’s returned her, it was alerting not to rub the mole in her head because it may cause something bad~ it seemed that the tone of her mum is not warm like usual . . . and she has gone again.

This time it took too long to return, what returned her this time was what seemed to her the dry face of him, in which she turned her face and tried to go again….

Another goal!!!

She forgot all what took her and where in the last two minutes. She tried to remember, but she found it easier to forget.

Answer 1

It's a nice style, and if you wanted it to sound and read like prose, then you succeeded.  However, if you want it to sound more like poetry, break up the lines a little more and develop definite verses.  Other than that, great job:)