Would you allow birth-family members contact with your adopted child in this situation? ?

Question

Okay this is a purely hypothetical situation, but I'm curious what others would do.

You adopt a child through an open adoption, and the first-mother makes it clear that she and her family members (parents, siblings, etc) do not get along at all, and she doesn't want them anywhere near her child. Later after the adoption is final the grandparents contact you and ask if they can meet the child and exchange letters and pictures. They seem like very nice and caring people, and you know there was no abuse, just major difference of opinions and hard feelings between them and the child's first-mom.

Do you honor her wishes and say no, or allow your child the benefit of getting to know and having a relationship with her extended family members?

Answer 1

I would honor the birth mothers wishes after all if it wasnt for her there would be no baby...

Answer 2

A child needs to know ALL of his/her family, as long as there is no abuse

Answer 3

As an adoptive parent I have been in this situation. You do what is in the best interest of the child period. If your child is a newborn, I wouldn't let the grandparents see the child. If it is an actual open adoption you are sending pictures and updates to the biological mother. I would allow her to pass along pictures of the child if she chooses.

As a parent you are spending this time bonding with your child. Any interference or stress from an outside source will be passed onto the child.

Answer 4

I wouldn't do an open adoption. I have cousins adopted and have seen the damage birth parents can do when they find you and then drop you.  

But I would probably decide what I wanted.  She gave the child up, and I am the mother, I make the decisions and if I felt it was in the best interest I would allow contact.

Answer 5

No. What they are doing is actually selfish. They should've accepted the fact that they are not part of the child's life and shouldn't be part of it forever. The child should believe that you are the real parents. However, if the child knows that he or she is adopted, then it is better for her not to seek his/her blood parents. Meeting blood parents in relation to adoption will not bring any good and would only raise potentially disturbing questions.  

Answer 6

I wouldn't have made that agreement in the first place, because ultimately, it should be the child's choice who s/he interacts with once s/he is old enough to make that decision.  Agreeing to follow the mother's wishes in this case takes away the child's right to make his/her own decisions about his/her own life and relationships.

I think if it were me, I would talk to the mother and explain that if the child wants a relationship with her parents, his/her wishes will be honored.

Answer 7

I might try and find out why there is this rift in the bio family and use that information to help make this decision.  If it is just personality differences, then I might go ahead and allow some contact, but there might be some 'real' reason she feels this way. You should also talk to the bio mother and ask her how she will react, explain your desire to let the child know all of their family (especially since you have already decided on an open adoption).

I also like the idea mentioned above of perhaps asking them (the extended family) to wait a couple of years until the child is a little older..

Answer 8

Its NOT YOUR BUSINESS. Ask the child...  

Answer 9

Well, I would tell the birth mom that actually, it is my child, and I will decide who can have a relationship with my child ( assuming he/she is too young to make that call) and I would meet with the grandparents, and decide from there if I think they deserve a relationship/are safe for my child. I would be totally honest with all involved. After all, when it all comes down to it, it is my responsibility to look after and care for the child, right?  

Answer 10

Ok, so this hasn't actually happened given that its hypothetical?

First, i would find out what the rift is about, is it because of the adoption itself? If it is due to the adoption and the mother was forced/pushed to give up bub due to family pressure then I would decline contact.  If it is because she went ahead without including them in her decision to place the baby then I would send letters and photos letting the grandparents know how the child is doing because at the end of the day, they will always be that child's grandparents regardless what a bit of paper and a man made law states.

If the rift is completely unrelated, I would stay out of it altogether and let them know that the mother has asked you not to become involved and out of respect for her and in the child's best interests for now, while she is only young, you will honour that agreement.  Encourage them to sort out their rift so that they might share info and then stay out of it.  Once the child reaches a certain age, ask the child what THEY want and let the mother know if the child has asked for inof/contact form extended family.

All the best if this situation ever arises.

Answer 11

Hi Angela,

Tough question.  I think this question draws attention to just as some First parents walk on eggshells around the adoptive parents, there are some adoptive parents who do the same thing with First parents.  We know how important First Parents are, and the idea that we do something to damage the relationship between a parent and child would devastate us.

I agree with Gaia, it should be about the child.  For this case i will assume the child is too young and i have to speak on his/her behalf.  I would be nervous as h**l to say or do anything that might upset DD's other mother but i would try to stress how important all family is to the child.  I ask for her help with this and ask her if she could be supportive.  I would try to gently reminder her that although she doesn't get along with her family, her child might have a different relationship with them.  I would also suggest that we all have to work together and to do what is in the best interests of the child.  I would express that i can't see it as a bad thing to have more family loving and supporting her child.

I wouldn't do anything without the child's other mother's blessing and risk damaging the relationship between mother and child.  Like I said its such a tough question because i would welcome any extended family in a heartbeat but i couldn't live with myself if i alienated DD's other mother.

Answer 12

This is a very interesting question.

Firstly, I would ask what happened between, while also accepting that she may not tell me. My primary concern would be abuse. If there was abuse of any kind, yes, I would honour her request. However, if there were "hard feelings" than I would tell the first mom how important a relationship with ALL of the family members would be. That despite her relationship with her parents, they could be very good grandparents.

I would also meet the grandparents in a netral place just to get to know them a bit better.

Ultimately, it is about the kids. I would want them to have first family members around if that were possible.

I would also never lie to the first mom about it. I would tell her that while I appreciate her anger towards her parents, those are her issues, not her children's.

Answer 13

You should do what you think is best for your child... period.

Answer 14

As with any any communication between a child and an adult you do not know personally (or before the adoption), I would monitor all communication carefully.  However, as long as you read the letters before you give them to the child (and read the child's letters going out), then I say "the more the merrier"!  

Answer 15

To me the bio mother is being unfair in her not wanting the child to have anything to do with anyother family member, especially the grandparents. It sounds like she would say that out of spite. I know in my situation I had a relationship with my bio grandparents, and not with my parents. My mom and dad were very suportive of my decision to meet them and develope a relationship with them. The bottom line is it is up to the parents who they allow to be around the child. If they decide that the grandparents should be allowed to see the child it is totaly up to them. The bio mother can make sugestions but they do not have to be followed as she has no rights to the child anymore. Each parent has to look at their own individual situation and decide what is best for their child.

Answer 16

I would allow contact. Why the child should be punished just because the natural mother and natural family don’t get along. That’s their own problem.  If one is going to have an open adoption might as well be open to any natural family member(s) who are not a threat or danger to the child.  

Answer 17

You do whatever is in the best interest of the child.  If having a relationship with the grandparents will cause animosity between the child and the first-mom or have any negative effect on their relationship then you may want to hold back.  But if having a relationship with the grandparents is going to benefit the child, then by all means, go for it.

Answer 18

I would wait to see what the child wants.

In the future, if the child wants contact then I will allow it (limited of course)

The mother could just be all about drama and uses the baby as a weapon to get back at her family.Who knows.If she genuinely cared she wouldn't have given the child up for adoption so it really isn't her choice.

I would also not choose open adoption for many reasons such as this.Even then you are not legally obligated to keep contact..just morally.

Answer 19

I think you should hold off the letters and other contact until the child is old enough to understand because I think it would just confuse him/her.

Also, you have to respect the birth mothers decision, i means she did give you her child.

i hope this helps and your happy with your end decision.

Answer 20

i would let them see the child..but u know what its ur child now u have to be a parent and decide no matter what anybody else thinks.