Would you allow your child's extended first family to do this?

Question

A member of my son's extended first family (i.e. uncle/aunt) wanted to stay involved with our family after the adoption occurred. We agreed, feeling the more people who love our son, the better. We openly communicated, sent photos, had them visit, etc. Then approximately a year into things, the family member walked away, telling us that they did not want to be involved any more and to please stop mailing photos. We respected their decision although it saddened us for our son's sake.

After almost 4 years, this person wants to become involved again in our son's life. We are hesitant because we do not feel it is fair to our child to have someone who comes & goes in his life without explanation. We spoke to the family member and explained our concern. We felt that it would be best to introduce the member as a "friend" until our child is more mature to understand things, but the family member is adamant that they want to be known as a biological family member immediately and if we do not comply, then they do not want to be involved in our son's life at all.

I personally feel that they are not considering what is best for our child and although it saddens me that they will again walk away, it sort of reiterates the fears that I have about how the family member will come & go without warning.

APs - what would you do in this situation? Are we crazy for feeling the way we do?

Adoptees - how would you feel if your AP refused to allow this type of person to be involved in your early childhood, but explained things to you when you were old enough to understand and provided you with contact info in the event that you wanted to contact them?

Thanks to all for your help.

Answer 1

I think you are EXACTLY right.

Answer 2

Probably not a popular answer, but as an AP, Adult Adoptee and parent in general, children need stability and consistancy.  Anyone who does not respect this is not thinking of a child's best interests, but their own desires.

By discussing this with the family member, you show that you are really putting your child first, shich is what any parent does.

Best of luck, touchy subject to approach.

Sorry you and your family are going through this!  

Answer 3

I think this person is a bit of a flake.  I'd keep them away until your child is considerably older.

Answer 4

No, you're not crazy.

Kids need stability in their lives, but they also don't need lies.  Introducing the family member as "This is your mamma's cousin Jake, who wants to visit us once in a while" doesn't set your child up to expect constant attention, but it does correctly identify this new person in his life.

I would limit the visits to no more than once a month, if you are not sure that this person will be a constant in your child's life.

Answer 5

I think you are absolutely right.  I applaud you for not backing down...  you are protecting your son.  Good for him; good for you.  I think I'd do the same thing.

Answer 6

I agree with one poster who said you shouldn't lie to your child (telling them they are a friend, rather than family).  Even though, growing up, we called a few people 'aunt and uncle', and found out later they weren't related at all.  It didn't have a negative impact on me, because it was explained that they are closer than just a friend and it was done for a positive reason.  However, they didn't just abruptly leave our lives either.

It's up to you as your child's parent to do what is best for him/her.  What bothers me about this aunt and uncle is that they just abruptly left your life and didn't even want pictures.  This doesn't make sense to me.  I have nieces and nephews and love them very much.  If they were adopted out for some reason, yes, I would still want some contact, if possible.  But, I can't see any reason why I would stop the contact and refuse the pictures.  It might be painful, but I'm not the parent, or grandparent, so it wouldn't be TOO painful where I couldn't suck it up and do what is best for the child.  They are acting like immature, selfish brats who want everything THEIR way, seeing him/her when they want, being called what they way, etc.  But, aside from that, if they are decent people and you feel they would not be a negative influence to your child, I would probably introduce them back into your life, but slowly.  I just wouldn't lie about who they are and I wouldn't be forced into doing anything on their terms.  Explain to them what your terms are and why.  If they don't understand, then I would tell them to take a hike and you will let your child know about them, and if the child wants to see them in the future, he/she will contact them.  Don't let them dictate to you what happens in your child's life.

  

Answer 7

No def no

Answer 8

thats difficult. yes you want to protect your child from abandonment issues but in reality people come and go in our lives all the time. so it depends how long you want to shelter your child from that. do what is best.  

Answer 9

My sisters bio family did this too, eventually my parents just had to shut them out. It would be best if you did not allow them to see him, at least until he's 18. My half brothers parents kept  in touch with bio's and they made a mess of things.

Answer 10

I am an AP......

I would simply tell them that I understand how they feel but I have to put my child first.  I would explain why I am uncertain with the reunion because of what happened in the past.  I would then agree to allow them to know about him but not have a personal meeting for awhile.  I would send pictures, e-mail, etc. but I would not allow any personal contact until I was certain it was in the best interest of my child.  Then in time when the child is older I would revisit the whole idea.  If they had a problem with that, I would say sorry and good bye.  

On the other hand I wouldn't allow any one to do this.  If it were my family, his family, our family or any family.  I don't agree with situations like this if they are avoidable.

Answer 11

You're right to feel the way you do. That's terrible what they did and shouldn't be given a chance to do that again. They might not even respect your boundaries. I can see them telling your child they are related whether you agree to it or not. You were good enough to give that person a chance and they blew it, at your child's expense. I don't think they deserve another chance to s***w him up again.  

Answer 12

This person is obviously not thinking about what is best for the child. They are selfish.  If they want to be involved in the childs life then it should not matter what their title is.  I personally would feel the same way you do.

Its not right to have people in and out of your childs life. Especially the ones that are called "family".  

I have been very fortunate when it comes to my sons birth family.

Answer 13

I understand your concerns but if the family member comes and goes can you not explain that this is just that persons personal traits? They like to come and go.

I haven't seen my niece and nephews for years now, grant it they are grown but we have been this way for ever. We get together when we can and we all know who each other is.

If there is something else going on to be leary of that's different, but to have a relative who is here today and gone the next is normal to me.

I wouldn't want to find out later in life that this family friend was actually my aunt or uncle.(secrets and lies)

I would rather know who they are and have them come and go. It just seems more acceptable.

I obviously don't come from a close nit family. We got together when we could as kids, the older we got the more it tapered off.  I would love to see all those people but that's what weddings and those other thing are for. Sad joke but true.

I grew up knowing who all my aunts, uncles, and cousins were. It's one of the few stable things about my family.

I guess it depends on how much involvement you are talking about. If this person is not harmful to the child, I don't see where it will hurt. It's not the same thing as losing a parent. I see it as just being life.

What is your family situation like? Are you all very close? Do you have any members who live far away? My family is scattered all over the state I live in and beyond. Some of them are freaky too. Their still my relatives.

Answer 14

A little about me:  I am adopted.  I was adopted at birth and never knew anyone from my biological family.  My parents (adopted) were also always completely honest with me about being adopted.

As for your question:  You and your husband had the power to tell this person they could not have any association with your child but you didn't.  You allowed him/her to be part of his life and then they vanished.  It's worse because it wasn't like he/she got caught up with their job or their own kids and just lost contact.  This person actually chose and specifically demanded that you not contact him/her.  Now not only does he/she have the balls to want to re-enter your son's life but he/she also has the audacity to demand it's done on their terms.  It is out of the goodness of your heart that you allowed it happen the first time.  I can't believe this person has the "balls" to even suggest his/her terms let alone demand them.  He/she is at YOUR mercy.  If he/she can not live by YOUR terms they will not be a part of your son's life.  As an adoptee, if I adopted a child I would not allow this person near my child.  If you allow this person back into your child's life you should tell him/her that it will be on your terms OR he/she will have to provide a satifactory explaination for why they didn't want contact for 4 years(there could be extenuating circumstances).  Adoptees can also have abandonment issues so you are definately right to worry about someone wandering in and out of your child's life.  You don't want to aggravate or trigger and abandonment disorders.  You should also take into account the way this person leads their life.  Drugs?  Alcohol?  Jail?  Crime?  What were they doing for the 4 years that they didn't want contact?

I have never known anyone from my biological family and I don't believe I've missed anything.  I have absolutley no intention of ever finding them.  I have told my doctor that if she needs to find them for medical reasons she is welcome to, however as far as I'm concerned they walked out on me.  Currently, I have a brother who is also adopted and 2 sisters who showed up miraculously after my mom was repeatedly told she couldn't have kids. They are my family.  I haven't always gotten along with my parents and my relationship with my mom is still strained but I firmly believe I am where I am supposed to be and I wouldn't change anything about my life.  Many adoptees set out to find their biological families in an effort to "find themselves".  Unfortunately, for them "finding yourself" has nothing to do with blood.  My best advice for you is to just be the best parents you know how, always doing what you firmly believe to be the best for him.  He will see that and forgive the times you mess up.  He will also see who his "real" family is regardless of who comes and goes.

Answer 15

you have to do whats best for your son. Not whats best for the ante or uncle. I would wait until he is at an age that he understood what is going on. As long as he has you, dad and all his grandparents then thats all he needs not someone in and out of his life.

Answer 16

I think you're making this a bigger issue than it needs to be.

I wish my 16 aunts and uncles revolved around me. I couldn't imagine my brothers and sisters banning me from seeing my nephews and nieces.  

Accept what they are capable of giving and let go of your own personal expectations. Don't use this child as an excuse to justify your personal feelings. The child will grow up resenting you if he ends up bonding with them or develops the desire to see them.  

Answer 17

Here's the part that gets me, "but the family member is adamant that they want to be known as a biological family member immediately and if we do not comply, then they do not want to be involved in our son's life at all."

Those kind of ultimatums raise red flags for me.  What does the rest of the first family think of this?  It's clearly a tough situation for you.  On one hand, you don't want to deny contact, but on the other hand, the person has certainly given you reason to be concerned.  

I think I would speak to the bio grandparents and other first family members and get some opinions and feedback from people who know this individual better.

Answer 18

Do you have any relatives that you don't see very often? If so, you could always explain to your child that this is their relative from their biological family who loves them, but who may not always be able to have visits with them on a regular basis. That way your child won't have expectations of seeing the person a lot, but can still at least meet them. Just something to think about.

In general, while I think visits with biological family are important, they shouldn't come at the expense of your child's overall emotional wellbeing. If you think that this person is likely to do serious mental harm to your child, you aren't obligated to put your child through that harm just to please the relatives. If you can't figure out a way to make this work without causing your child pain, it's fine to say no... or to say "not now." You have to put your child's needs first.

If putting your child's needs first means they will walk away, that's their choice, and maybe in the end it will be healthier. Your child has contact with other biological relatives who don't make this kind of ultimatum and don't disappear. You shouldn't try to force a bond that will harm your child.

Answer 19

I may be going against the grain here, i haven't read any replies so I'm not sure if I am or not.

I would tred lightly.

1) i understand the importance of wanting to know who they are to the son. I mean, i get why they want to be called uncle/aunt etc.

2) i also understand your hesitance in introducing them to him as that, incase they go away.

3) i also feel like if I met my natural family member when I was little and I knew about it and they drifted away again, that it would really hurt me and possibly trigger rejection again.

4) i also think how valuble knowing them would be to a child who is adopted and doesn't know them.

My first inclination is to suggest going to therapy with them. Would they be open to a family therapist appointment with you and your husband, them and not your son. To stress out the importance of a slow integration and the absolutely necessitity of not leaving once introduced again. So that you as a family can weave together and lay emotions out on the table.

I know when I met my aunt ( who I look so much like ) it really brought up signifigant feelings of loss that she had to deal with. It was hard on my natural family, not really knowing about me and then having me there, just like them, wanting to be with them all the time. Therapy would have done us all good.

If thats not an option, i'd say, sit down and have another talk with them. I've been to so many shrinks I'm a really an open person in life. Its important to have all of your fears, your wants, your hopes, their fears, their wants, their hopes layed out on the table when doing this.

When I found my father, 2 weeks after our first call he said that he was coming to visit me. He was going to stay at our house, called me that morning and said he was coming. He never came. He never called. I sat outside for hours. I called fire stations, tried getting accident reports, i called his phone he didn't answer. I FLIPPED OUT. I was SO mad at him and I was 21. I was so hurt, felt so rejected. I cried for DAYS. He didn't call me or answer for a week. At the time, i didn't know he was flaky and did stuff like this all the time. To this day, I keep what he says at a distance, if he says he's coming, i don't believe it. That, was HIS.LAST.CHANCE to have my unconditional commitment. If i plan something with him, i leave my day open, because I never really know if we'll do it or not. He's unreliable. But i'm an adult and I can prepare for things like that, and now let it roll off of my shoulders. Your son is a child. They need to really really understand the value of coming, and staying, to a child who has survived adoption. And maybe they do, and maybe they will be a wonderful influence in his life. Maybe they already get it, and maybe they are aware and have waited until they could commit to being in his life, and now that they're ready they have come to you and want to know him. Hopefully thats the case, but I just wanted to say my peace on this.

Answer 20

The fact that they are not willing to be patient in view your concerns and don't respect your better knowledge of the child hints to me that they are not concerned with what is in the best interests of the child, but instead have some fantasy about themselves in which the child is expected to be a supporting actor.

I can understand them deciding they did not want to see the child after a year, but the request that you stop sending them photos or communicating seems to indicate that they were worried about their own emotions rather than what their sudden disappearance would mean to the child.

Based on what you have stated here, I would not let them have contact alone with the child even if they said they were going to respect your wishes. I would let them see the child only in a group or family setting to minimize their appearance and only in my presence so I could monitor their behavior and make sure they didn't overload the child with a big emotional reunion drama.  After your first experience with them, their interest sounds unhealthy to me.

If they do have a reunion and announce themselves as aunt and uncle, then disappear again, the message it sends to the child is that he is being checked out for quality and wasn't approved of, which is really negative.

Answer 21

Not an AP but I will say that I feel that this family member’s attitude says it all. If they truly want to be in your sons life they would agree to any terms you laid out. Not have this “It’s my way or the highway” attitude.  It’s understandable you would not want to introduce these people as his biological kin if they are going to be in and out of his life. Them dropping out of his life the first time he was too young, but he is getting older  now and will more understand it if they suddenly stop being activity in his life.

I would inform them that things will be on your terms that you truly have your child’s best interest at heart.  If they disagree then that is their loss. I would also really question again why if they want to be involved in his life they would refuse just because you feel its best to not reveal they are biological kin at this time.  To me it seems such a petty reason. Again if they truly wanted to be apart of his life I feel they would do that under any terms that are set up.

Answer 22

For whatever reason this person sounds inconsistent. Explain to this person that you have been the ones in this child's life that have made the child feel secure. The child's own parents have already left the child. This child will have trust and abandonment issues if anyone whom is not willing to consistently be there is in the child's life. You need to politely explain it is our job to protect this precious child..if you wish to be in the child's life it's going to be by our rules. For the time being they can be a friend of the family until the child is old enough to understand that sometimes adults will disappoint you. Good Luck!!

Answer 23

It sounds like the family member wants to be involved for as long as it is convenient.  

If you stick to your ultimatum, I suspect that they will find a way to tell your son the real way that they are related.

For your son's sake, keep this person at arms length.  Don't let them communicate directly, but make sure that they receive photos and letters.

Answer 24

i think you should definitely not allow them back in to your child's life. they are being selfish and i think they may even have bad motives for trying to come around again now. i say keep them away from your son.