Would you be honest?

Question

I ask that you read this for content and not structure, as I have never done this before

I feel as though I am a ship

Never destined to make it to shore

My existence is perpetually questioned by me

And I have yet to find my role in this world

My age and my (somewhat) gray hair belies a wisdom

Which I have yet to understand or grasp

I continue to struggle and fight with myself

A soul which has yet to find a place

I have been unemployed for many months

I am a casualty of this economy

I have been told so many times

That we “Are appreciative of your time, but we’re going in a different direction”

I look in the mirror every morning

And I gaze into my own eyes

I see nothing but scars and reminders

Of poor choices and mistakes long past

I have tried to forgive myself for my transgressions

But when I see myself, I am unforgiving

I punish myself for foolish choices

And it manifests itself as a splinter in my mind

I have the innate ability

To make others laugh

Yet that same mechanism continues to elude me

When I try to do the same for myself

My heart aches as I build a wall around it

Knowing that I won’t let another soul in

I had hoped to be a good father to children not yet created

But I feel that it’s not my purpose in this world

I’ve felt for many years that I’m not long for this planet

My opinion is that I wasn’t a blessing, but a mistake

I feel as though I’m a burden to this place

And it would be better off without me

I no longer believe my own thoughts and beliefs

I feel like I have lied to myself

The truth of my feelings….very simply

Is that I feel completely lost

Answer 1

For never doing this before.  It is great!  Great writing Billy C.  

Love honey

Answer 2

You have expressed your feelings very eloquently. You have a real talent there. I see  you are suffering, like so many of us from  circumstances beyond our control.  If you are at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on for dear life! Soon a new direction will become clear to you. ;-)

Answer 3

Costigan...

The words could have come straight from my own mouth.

And I see nothing wrong with the structure either, though I did as asked and read without regard to that. And yet it flowed so easily the pain and yes even the fear came flying off my screen.

You are not alone, neither in these feelings or on this crazy mixed up place we call this Earth.

I salute you, sir.

Answer 4

you put so eloquently into words what so many of us feel. all you can do is get up each day and put your pants on one leg at a time like the rest of the world (well, those that wear pants ; )  who hasn't made some major eff ups in their life? that's part of growing and becoming a better person. the human race has made this one crazy mixed up world, i've spent so much time wishing i was born in some bygone era cause i'm not much in step with these times, everything is too fast. but this is where we are and i try to focus on things that are important to me. in some small way i feel i'm making a difference. you ARE a blessing sweetie, you believe it. the world is a better place because you're here. i know how depressing it is, looking for work. my husbands been looking for months as well, and he's almost 60. (i won't even go into all HIS problems!)  maybe this is life's way of pointing you in a different direction job wise. all i know is that our time here is precious, and it's short enough as it is, so don't waste a minute of it being miserable, not if you can help it. and one other thing, i used to feel like i was going to die young, but here i am, still truckin along, and now i see myself living to 105. you have friends here, billy, don't forget that, either.

Answer 5

Amazing!  I felt your words.  I need a drink.  I want to hug you.  That's what poetry does!

Billy, I come from Costigan's too.  Never met anyone else with that name.  

Answer 6

i like it :)

Answer 7

What need have you to ask of others if they would be honest toward your content in your poem, when you yourself have been the most courageously honest in confronting yourself.

And yet...Any other person who would offer you a harsh criticism will only expose him/herself of their own resentment or miserliness of good spirited-ness.

You've written this for very profound reasons which you've had the courage to finally allow be seen, not by yourself only but by others...that is superbly admirable, since it takes much humble bravery to expose one's vulnerability, while in self doubt for others to judge.

I would advice to keep writing about any and everything as well. Definitely your talent is obvious..so is your sincerity..and remember that as with ALL of us, we need to also forgive ourselves, for our imperfections. I have read in your testimony nothing which asks for the harsh judgment you at times give your self.

Be grateful instead that you can speak of your doubts, what you feel are your transgressions, and that you do it courageously before a crowd.

That is commendable.

Thusly; cultivate that virtue with humility...let it not be infiltrated at any time, for not ANY reason, with arrogance.

Sincerely'

Grecia.

P.S. By the way..you may not realize it, because of some block you have imposed upon yourself..so as to not recognize this : You are NOT lost at all...I SEE that you are FOUND!

Rejoice, but humbly for that grace.

Answer 8

Your words touched me  deeply.I do want you to know that your humor is a great gift that you have chosen to share with all of us here and we appreciate you for that. Hope to see more of your writings!

Answer 9

Billy, that is amazing!!! You have a gift for writing, keep it up !!

Answer 10

that was awesome babe!

now come here..let me find you!

Answer 11

Thats not bad, has some good content. Makes me feel kind of down at the end.

I think if you're a bit chubby this would be my favorite line:

My age and my (somewhat) gray hair belies a wisdom

I like lines that say one thing and another at once, makes me smile thanX either way.  ; P

Answer 12

My first thought is that there are 10 poems in there.

Secondly, it is very well done and now that it is out there, you get to leave it there if you want to.

This piece reminds me of something that my grandfather told me a long time ago. He read one of my first poems that contained some darker subject matter about some of my personal feelings. He said "David, you don't feel like that all the time. Remember that. Write it down and leave it there."

We can all connect on some level with this poem, and that is why it works. We react. We understand.

Write more, write more, write more.

And leave it there...for us to see.

Answer 13

I'm not sure that this is poetry, but it is honest self-expression and for that you are to be commended.  I value that even more than poetry!

Answer 14

^

^

catz has summed up everything that i wanted to say

thanks for sharing your poetic thoughts, it was a touching poem, i hope you get something out of what catz is saying, i know i sure did. love you guys

Answer 15

Dude that was really good.Your words hit home with me as I too find myself in a down moment at this time in my life. My mind tells me it is only short term but my heart tells me a different story. All I can do is take it one day at time

Answer 16

d**n Billy that was great! thank u so much for sharing that  

Answer 17

I like it, and if this really is the first time you have tried to write poetry I would suggest you stick with it.

Answer 18

I write this answer with a heavy heart, however; I am so happy and truly proud that you were able to write this down & post it, especially on here on answers.  To be able to open up and share your most personal inner thoughts and feelings with your "family" is quite an honor.  Don't ever believe for one minute that you are a burden on this place we call Earth.  One of my favorite quotes is,  " What lies behind us and what lies before us are only tiny matters compared to what lies within us" -Ralph Waldo Emerson ...by writing this poem it only shows a small portion of what lies inside of you.  You have so much to share and give to the world, you just don't know it yet.  I believe all of us have crossed paths here for many reasons, some reasons yet unknown. I for one, am glad I have crossed paths with you.  You know you are dear to me and make my heart smile everyday! I will be here for you through thick and thin for I carry no gavel.  Thank you for sharing your thoughts, and please keep writing, this truly is beautiful. Love ya!  xoxo :)

Answer 19

The pain it evinces makes me want to cry... makes me want to help.

Well thought out, well stated, but what a buzzkill.

You ever need an experienced shoulder -or more - you come look me up.

Answer 20

not sureeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Answer 21

Billy, I agree with Buk in that there are several subjects in this that could be expressed alone and further explored, but that wasn't the purpose for you, was it?  You needed to get this out, it all out, and somehow by putting it on paper, a healing will begin. By speaking it into existence, now the snake can be looked in the face and dealt with, even defeated. I can't tell you how proud I am of you, not just in that you wrote this, but that you posted it...for the reactions you get from it will also aid in healing. Trust me, this place would NOT be better without you. I care.

ma

Answer 22

WOW...THAT WAS FANTASTIC. YOU REALLY HAVE AWAY WITH WORDS. YOUR DEFINITELY A GREAT POET. GOOD LUCK ON YOUR CAREER.

Answer 23

wow..

am impressed..

Answer 24

  I have felt many of those same things but I know that no matter how strong or lingering the thoughts and feelings are they are lies. I have a reason for being here as you do . There are plenty of children that need a father and there is always hope . Everyone has made mistakes and many times that is what makes us more understanding people.  This has helped me to remember that. Thanks.

Answer 25

Billy, I am proud of you for having courage to write such raw emotions. I am honored that you share it with us! you have expressed the emotion and thoughts so many of us have had..thanks for that!!

Answer 26

It is very good, very well written, but this part bothers me....

I’ve felt for many years that I’m not long for this planet

My opinion is that I wasn’t a blessing, but a mistake

I feel as though I’m a burden to this place

And it would be better off without me

NOBODY is a mistake...well, maybe my daughters ex, but thats another story. I truly believe without knowing you that you are not the type to off yourself...but believing you are a mistake makes me wanna come smack you around for awhile.

This economy blows, being single at our age blows, not knowing where our next paycheck is coming from blows, and not knowing what direction our life is headed blows.....I've lived them all. After having my fun smacking you around for a bit...may I hug you? =)

Answer 27

Dang Billy, I hate to admit that you make me feel much better.  I know this situation is just temporary, so keep on truckin', please.

You're welcome to come visit the Republic of Texas if you need a change of scenery.  Holla!

Answer 28

Very nice poem.  You speak very well and describe your feelings to a 'T'.

Sorry for your lost feelings.  Please do not give up.  I too was lost as you were.  I found solace in some antidepressants as well as a nice church near my house.  Funny thing was I was never a church going person before,now I am.  They helped me very much.

Email me if you feel the need.  We can share war stories about not being hired due to our age and the loss we both feel.  I too have no kids, but what else saved me was my dogs.  I did not want to leave them behind.

Answer 29

This is a great "Honest' piece in of itself.

From start to finish it flows straight ...unsparing.

But the beauty of it is that 98% of readers have felt themselves

right there in those words {if not penned something like that themselves}

I'm of the Buk's school to "write it down and leave it there"

WIDALIT - Sounds like a good school of thought.

Answer 30

very deep !

Answer 31

That is completely amazing! I got a little choked up.

It was like reading about my own life, my own thoughts.

We all go through this at some point, at many points, over and over again. Can only hope that any of us find our way.