Would you be okay with your fiance giving another female a birthday present? (pls read details b4 answering)?

Question

My fiance and I have been living together for three weeks now, but for the last few months, I've noticed he hasn't been very affectionate with me. I mean we have s*x once a week, but that's not really what I consider affection.

I think of affection as being kissing me when he comes home from work, giving me a hug for no reason, telling me I look nice, holding my hand every once in awhile, or even saying, "I Love You".

But he does none of that. Most of the time it feels more like we're "buddies". Like we laugh and joke around or talk seriously, but that's it.

The only thing that he does that makes me feel special is giving me gifts on birthdays, Christmas and V-Day.

So I got very angry when i found out he had given a girl he used to work with a present. It was a dumb gift (just a hello kitty notebook), but since giving gifts is the only affection I've gotten lately, I got angry.

Answer 1

Well, it sounds to me you need to talk to him about your feelings.

Maybe he likes this girl at the office, maybe it was just a gift, who knows?

Maybe he is stressed?

Talk to him! get some s**y outfits, do something for him, and make him feel relaxed!

Answer 2

youre reading to much into this its just a gift no big deal

Answer 3

My fiance has a lot of female friends so of course it would be okay. Why shouldn't he give them gifts just because they are the opposite s*x?

You should talk to your fiance if you think there is a problem with him showing you affection.

Answer 4

men do slack off the affection after awhile.  

i would not be ok with this, and, i have to admit, the things you want dont seem to be remotely of interest to him.  i would reconsider this whole thing, if you want more.  just telling you, it doesnt sound good.  you sound like a buddy or a roomate.

Answer 5

You need to talk to him. You do not want to be married to a man who will not show you affection (trust me, I divorced one of those for it). If things don't change - quickly! - consider moving back out and moving on.

I don't think your question is really about the gift at all.

And can we all just start Reporting "Nice Girl for Advice" because she is just about the meanest person I've seen lately, and none of her answers are helpful!

Answer 6

I think there are two separate things going on here.

First is the gift. It sounds pretty innocent to me. I think you're reading a lot into it because of the second thing.

The second thing is that you've just moved in together and now he seems distant. Maybe he's a little freaked out by the new stage in your relationship. Maybe he's getting lazy because you've been together for so long. Either way, the only way to get some peace of mind for you is to talk to him about it - what you need to feel cherished. Keep your expectations reasonable, and don't get angry or upset. Just calmly explain that you feel some space between you, and you'd like to talk about it.

Answer 7

Well, in my opinion, these are two separate issues.  Why did he give her the present?  Was it a goodbye gift or something stupid like that?  If so, I would not be worried.

I would be worried about the lack of affection though.  Is this something new?  Some men aren't that way and if he never has been, then he is unlikely to change and you should re-evaluate the relationship if he can't give you what you need.  If he used to be that way and has recently been different, you need to sit down with him and see what is up.  Don't ask questions you can't handle the answers to, but you need to get to the bottom of it, because that does not sound good.

Good luck.

Answer 8

I wouldn't worry about the gift (especially since it was just a little notebook). You need to communicate with your fiance about how your feeling and what your needs are. He just may not realize how you are feeling. I think that sometimes guys get comfortable in a relationship and they feel that they don't have to do any of that stuff anymore because they've already won your love and whatnot. COMMUNICATION is the key to success in your relationship.

Answer 9

I think your reaction to a small gift to a coworker was a bit un-justified. If you have issues with his level of affection you need to discuss that with him. Not his giving a gift to someone. This is why men are always saying women are crazy...we tend to get mad at them for something that is not the real reason behind our anger.

Tlak to him about it, not the gift, the affection and find out whats going on. Most likely it's stress, weddings are one of the most stressful things to plan and go through for a couple.

Answer 10

Hmm....I don't think I would go to the extreme of checking through his things. The worst thing that you could do right now is accuse him of cheating (in my book cheating is having a relationship with someone else...not just s*x) or blow it out of proportion.

It does seem like a cause for alarm, but don't freak out. The number 1 priority in a marriage is communication. If you can't talk to him about how you feel then move out now. But that doesn't seem to be the case. My fiance and I have been through some pretty rough stuff together. If both of us hadn't been willing to listen and communicate our feelings rationally, we would have broken up years ago.

Unfortunately it is true that engaged men do lack giving the affection that they once did. But hopefully this lull won't last long. This is my suggestion - Write him a heart-felt note about your love for him. Go out and do something special that maybe you did on your 1st date or just something that he hasn't done before. Have a great time too! Then, at that point hopefully he will be reminded of how special you are to him.

If things don't go well or improve. Maybe you should consider evaluating the situation with him. Sit down and have a talk.

Good Luck!!!

Answer 11

The problem isn't that he got her a gift, it's that he's not showing you affection. Did your premarital counseling discuss ways of showing affection? (Have you taken it yet?)

This could just be that he expresses affection in ways that you don't receive it. Sit down with him and discuss this, let him know what you would appreciate and how you feel. Leave the gift he got his coworker out of it.

Answer 12

I understand where you're coming from. If he were giving you all the things you needed, then it wouldn't matter to you that he gave some girl a silly little gift. BUT because all you two have right now in terms of affection is him giving you gifts on your birthday, it's almost like he cheated on you because he did it for her as well.

Its going to be hard, but you should talk to him love.

Answer 13

I completly understand what you are saying and I beleive that you have reasons to be concerned.

IMO, it's unnapropriate for an engaged man to be giving gifts to an ummarried, unttached woman. A Hello Kitty bag is something of a very  personal nature and he had to know all the details about her taste to buy her such item.

Also, if he's withdrawn with you...that's a red flag. Additionally, I would be mad as h**l too if he's gving this woman gifts and attention that shoudl be given to you.

Something is wrong and you know it. I would definetly check his phone log. If he doesn;t answer the phone when he's with you or if he goes somwhere else to answer it or if there are hang ups when you answer or if they are unexplained callas at odd hous I woudl definetly worry.

Keep an eye on this one, his behavior is tottatly unnapropriate considering you are engaged and living together.  His withdrawnbehavior also raised concerns.

YOU should be his best friend, if he has time to buy gifts and mail it to someone, there could be something else other than a friendship.

GOOD LUCK!

Answer 14

I think you two have a whole lot more problems in your relationship than a simple gift to a former coworker.  Frankly, I don't know why you even moved in with him, given the lack of affection.

And in answer to your specific question, no I wouldn't have a problem with it.  If I did, that would be a pretty poor reflection upon me and our relationship.

Answer 15

If you are mad because you feel jealousy, or because you suspect something between them? Because those are two separate issues that are to be dealt with differently. If there's a lack of intimacy between you, I strongly urge you to reconsider marriage. There are some things that do not return once they are gone...

Answer 16

To answer your question, no I wouldn't be angry if my fiance gave a girl a silly little gift like that.

However, I would be really upset with the lack of romance and general affection. This is the issue that needs to be addressed. You've GOT to communicate with the guy. It's the only way a relationship can truly work.