Would you become an egg donor for a good friend?

Question

My very good friend and husband are unable to have children due to her not having any "eggs", she has asked me to donate mine, i havent said yes or no, but im not sure i could go through with it, knowing i have a genetic child out there that im not raising and the ramifications in the future. I would like to have more children of my own, how do i tell her no i cant do it without her being devastated, i just keep thinking what if she had a girl, as i have all boys i think that would upset me.

Answer 1

i would never be able to do this myself i wish there was something i can tell you to be able to explain to her why you do not want to help her. i sure hope someone else can give you the answer you need. goodluck.

Answer 2

No way! I would donate my blood or my kidneys but not my eggs. You will see that child all the time since she is obviously a very good friend. Also, people with fertility treatments have a slightly higher incidence of miscarriage so youd have to think about possibilitys like that and how it would affect you. Or if she had multiple embryos and decided to discard them or even donate them after she has a child. You would have no say.

And last but not least donating eggs is no walk in the park. You have to have your ovaries hyperstimulated (lots of needles that  you have to give yourself)and then have them extracted (under general anesthesia) by a needle through your vaginal wall.

I have friends of 20 plus years and I would never ask them to do this. I would maybe do it for my sister only b/c of the DNA issue and she is my sister after all but thats it!

Tell her you have discussed it with your spouse and your doctor and have decided it is not something you are going to be able to do. Advise her to use an egg donor or someone in her family.

Answer 3

No.

Answer 4

A very good friend wouldn't ask you such a thing.  There would be so many implications here...your egg and her husband's sperm...you knowinng that the baby is yours but you can't tell the baby...the donor should be anonymous!!!

Answer 5

My mom and i were just talking about that because my bestfriend has been trying for awhile now and she is 29 now and still no luck.  I think I would either donate my eggs or even considering being a surrogate and carrying her eggs and her mans sperm for them if the situation came up because I love her like a sister and would want her to be able to experience the joys of motherhood that me and our other bestfriend now experience.  If I was planning to have more of my own though i would probably go the surrogate route.  I did have to turn down a friend though, he asked me to be a surrogate for him and I just didn't feel right about it so I told him I just didn't think it would be a good idea.  I understand the situation you are in.

Answer 6

I wouldn't.  Not a lot of women would for exactly the reason you describe.  It would be a different story, maybe,  if it was a sister or close relative.

Answer 7

If i were single i might consider it for my sister if she were drug-free, but my hubby would never go for it.  He would not even consider surrogacy.  He does not want any part of me or him inside anybody else.  He thinks it would be breaking our vows.  

I can sympathize with you having all girls, it would bother me if someone else was raising my only son.  As much as you love and want to support your friend, you have to do what is right for you first.  Her infertility issues are not your problem.  I think an anonymous donor would be more appropriate. good luck

Answer 8

No I wouldn't.   That would be my child and my kids are not for sale or loan.

I totally disagree with the one poster who said donors should be annonymous.  What about the child - how are they supposed to feel about that.  Sick.

Answer 9

No, I would not consider it.  I could never be estranged from one of my children.  And what about the child knowing that he/she was harvested from another woman?  Ick.

Answer 10

Be honest with her.  Tell her exactly what you have said here, if she's a real friend she will understand.

I've offered to be an egg donor to my sister, but never for a good friend.

Answer 11

No, I could never do that for anyone.  It sounds like from what you said, that you can't do it either.  When you turn her down, don't feel bad or guilty.  She never should have asked you for such a thing, it's too much to ask from even a good friend.  

It would be like giving away your child, she should understand that.  Just explain that to her, and hopefully she won't be so wrapped up in her own needs that she will understand.  

If she gets upset, just remember that, for some women, having a baby feels like a life and death issue.  It's not a healthy, balanced state of mind, so if she is devastated, just be patient with her and remember that it's not your job to fix this for her.

Answer 12

I think the question is would YOU donate eggs for your friend, and it sounds like you are NOT comfortable doing it.  You absolutely should not do it if you are not comfortable with it, and it is NOT something you should feel pressured into.  I have a similar type of infertility as your friend, so I could carry a pregnancy but not have a biological child.  I cannot imagine asking someone to donate eggs.  I had my best friend and my sister, who knew of my infertility, both offer.  We also have close friends who had left over embryos from IVF who offered them to us.  In the end, I was not comfortable with any of these "options."  It just felt like we would be getting into way too complicated territory.  Now that I have identified the ethical issues a little more clearly, I don't think it is right to intentionally create an "adoptee" (the child would not be genetically yours, so it would be raised by non-biological parents, so in that sense an adoptee).  Adoption should happen out of necessity because a child needs parents.  Anyway, we decided to adopt a child already in the world who needed a family.  

Anyway, do not feel pressured to do this!

eta:  Anabelle is right.  Besides the whole huge issue of giving your genetic material to your friend, there is the issue of what it would put your body through to donate eggs.  It is quite grueling and a long process physically.  And it could take several donations for her to achieve pregnancy.  It's your body and your genetic material.  This is not a "favor" one puts pressure on another to give.

Answer 13

I can imagine how difficult it would be for you since you personnel know this woman, and would often see the child.   I personnel could never do this, even knowing my youngest nephew is here because a woman donated her egg.  I also feel there are too many children that need loving homes and parents.

Your friend might be hurt but just try and let her down gently. Its clear from your question you would not be ok doing this and that’s fine.  Tell her you would not take it well  knowing you had a biological child out there and having to see the child.   Plus if you have a husband he might not feel to pleased with you creating a baby with another man, even though there would be no s*x involved.  Recommend she go to an egg bank.

If I was in the situation I would be blunt and tell them to go to the egg bank or adopt one or more  of the many children that need to be adopted.

Answer 14

Just be honest with her.  Just tell her that you would feel too weird. Especially since you are friends and would have to see the baby all the time.

Answer 15

I would NEVER.

These are my eggs.

That would be MY child.

My children(even before conception) are not for sale or donation.

Answer 16

if i had any friends at all and she couldnt have a baby i would help but you have to think how good of a friend she is

Answer 17

No.  I would never do it.  Not even for my sister.  Never.

Answer 18

If you're not comfortable with it, just tell her no and the reason. If she's truly your friend, she won't be mad at you.

Personally, I would for a really really good friend, after doing paperwork to make sure they won't sue for child support or anything like that later on. Who knows, the world is a crazy place nowadays. I am not "maternal" or eager to raise a child, so I would be ok with it.

Answer 19

No.

My reasoning is two fold:

1. the same reasons that many gave about how my children should stay with me.  I already lost one child to adoption, I will not willingly give away any more of my children.

2. The physical risk to my own body in order to give away my eggs is unacceptable.

Answer 20

I would, without even hesitating.  She would do the same for me.

Answer 21

Nope. Never.

About the only person I would even consider doing that for is my sister, her hubby had the snip snip so not likely that would every happen, tg.

Biologically the child would be yours. If you can't live with that fact then don't do it. Her infertility is not your problem to fix. Sorry if that sounds cruel but it is the truth

Answer 22

I'd donate any part of me to a friend.

Answer 23

I think you've answered your own question. I don't think you should do it. You have too many concerns about it.

I have (sort of) been in your friend's position. Our reproductive endocrinologist suggested donor eggs. We decided to stop fertility treatments at that point, for a variety of reasons.

However, I would not have asked anyone (even my sister) to be a donor for us. If someone had offered I *might* have considered it, but unless someone volunteered, I would have assumed the answer would be no. I would never have put someone in the position of having to turn us down.

I think your friend put you in a very unfair situation -- and I'm sorry for that. Hopefully she's clear-headed enough to realize that your decision is not a reflection on her or your friendship. But even if this decision costs you the friendship, I still don't think you should do it.

To answer your question about whether *I* would do it -- No... but I don't think anyone would want my eggs anyway. ;)

Answer 24

you've answered your own question.  don't do it and explain why.  this is something that can ruin a friendship, but you'll forever be bonded through that child.  

if she's upset it's not because you said no, it's the other emotions she's feeling about not being able to concieve.  more than likely it will have nothing to do with you, she'll probably appreciate your honesty.   even if it doesn't appear to be so.  

she would be better to look into embryo adoption.  but she also needs to realize that no matter how she goes about egg donation her child will have another mother out there and one that child will wonder about.  she will need to be prepared for that.

as for would i do this, no my eggs suck, lol.

Answer 25

She should understand if you are not comfortable with the idea.  If she gets mad, then she isn't a good enough friend to be giving your eggs to anyways.