Would you care to comment on my crudely written work?

Question

Days go by me in remnants of beauty

I pick up pieces of my shattered day

I can scarcely keep the wolves at bay

They sympathize quite crudely.

The vultures cavorting in daylight

Picking bones clean in a frenzy of feathers

The transcendent natives chewing their leathers

And for my next breath I dutifully fight.

I languish in rags with scratches and scars

The money I saved is somewhere but where?

Ironic and Rigid I suck in the tepid air

As I listen to screeching tires, relic cars..

Answer 1

A view indeed. You stare a lot madam. This is close to home, no?

Answer 2

actually, i really like it. the crudeness gives it a sort of style that goes well with the words you're saying, like the vultures cavorting and the wolves that are trying to attack you. it makes the poem almost... idk rugged.

if you want some advice, though, to make it even better, id say work on the rhythm. it jumps all over the place. "they sympathize quite crudely" has 7 syllables, while "ironic and rigid i suck in the tepid air" has 13, almost twice as much. just try to get it more even.

still, its good!

Answer 3

Feels like:

lived atop the food chain, life was a blast

a trip of fate, my descent was fast

next & final stop, the grave

cash or deeds I never done, can't save

Came in, lived life all alone

ah... I can feel the jackals

at my bones

P.S. >>>>>>

stop making me be a better person :}

Answer 4

I really like your use of primal diction, like frenzy. Additionally, I like the phrase "sympathize quite crudely," are the wolves supposed to be 'well wishers,' along with the vultures, people who are like backhandedly sympathizing?

Answer 5

Thanks for offering, but since you consider it still crudely written I'd rather wait to read it until you have had time to re-write and refine it