Would you comment/critique?

Question

Untitled

One restless night

I left a death of a dream that at light still beamed

Walked to rest - from which would not leave

Picked and wrapped a soul -

Been one of my own

And saw kind and cold, saw ashes in gold

Chained to the grey big common stone

That soon squinted - and with it - many then gone

Still I dragged, was alone

Until I crawled, one winding road

Glinted another - a forgotten soul

Of not honey nor poison,

As I put it on – I was free to be

I was nothing more

Weary I came

So I lay upon the dusty road

I knew such beauty at core

Was bigger then I, and before my death

Before I left, before I spoke

In sweat I awoke

Answer 1

You try to hide the fact that you don't know what you're talking about behind a poem which is convoluted and difficult to follow. It tries to convey some deeper meaning even though there is none - it is far too vague I am afraid

Answer 2

http://www.webook.com/ u should go there u can write peoms, books, short stories and you will get lots of comments and reviews. its great. by the way i do love the peom. great job.  

Answer 3

Great ideas and very nice imagery.

Suggestions? Don't leave out too many articles without putting in punctuation to show where they were. If you take the poem out of its stanza form you get this: "I left a death of a dream that at light still beamed walked to rest - from which could not leave picked and wrapped a soul - been one of my own"

A little punctuation and an article or two and Voila: "I left a death of a dream, that at light, still beamed. Walked to rest, from which I could not leave, picked and wrapped a soul. Could have been one of my own."

Now, I don't know if this conveys what you want to say, but I think this is what you meant to say. Even if the reader doesn't know exactly how you feel, they should never be in doubt as to what you want to say.  Does that make sense?

I really think you can do something with this. Just play with it a little more. Most importantly, read it aloud to yourself and see if you stumble anywhere. See what it sounds like to your ears.

Answer 4

I love this one!  i especially love how you woke up and were yet still dreaming of yourself dreaming.  Brilliant!