Would you comment on a requested Trigee?

Question

A Trigee for Ma

By C. S. Scotkin

When sun sets…………..We sit together

we breathe as one……….then hold our breath

wait for stars …………… gazing to the heavens

and wish…………………this vista, our longed for home.

Answer 1

My, my, oh, my, you've been a busy girl....

now I want to put the two together,

reading the first trigee, then this one....

to see what we have!

Good work, now get some sleep!

Thanks so, ma

Answer 2

A lovely picture you painted for ma!

I loved it too!

The sunsets are something I will miss most about the cottage.

Good morning!

Answer 3

I'm not a big fan of too many Trigees, but I like this one a lot. The meaning is clear and easy to grasp.  

Answer 4

I would have it has "gazing to heavens" Take out the "the"

I think the last line (this vista, out longed for home) is a bit long. Just an opinion. Its sets a pretty picture

Answer 5

Ma likes it and that is the most critical test.  I like the shape, structure and meaning of the verses.

[I must apologize.  I have no idea where the 14 word limit became lodged in my brain, probably from a Septolet. And yes you are very much to form and structure.  You far surpass anything I've been able to do with the form.]