Would you comment on this poem I wrote

Question

Untitled

I remember the many nights

When I would ponder by the lights

I took the ink and smeared the page

With what I hoped and prayed was there

Your soul would never be the same

If you were penned without a name

Still they asked of you to play

In their grey big yellow hay

I would shush my little one

For they're not worthy of your sun

You've been drawn by peasant’s hand

Stained by winter's rain

Tell you instead, to sit and wait

And form until the end of day

And when the night does fall and creep

Their shine shall dust into a heap

I had hoped you'll tell my tale

When I had aged and left you there

In you, I wished to see my best

But now I know you're just like rest

Answer 1

The A-A B-B rhyme scheme fits this poem like a straight jacket.  You've struggled so hard to make lines rhyme that you've sacrificed meaning.  (there are parts where I have no idea what you're writing about.)  A poem isn't an intellectual puzzle to solve, like a crossword.  It starts when you have something to say, and you say it the strongest way possible.  The first question is "What do you have to say?"

Answer 2

me likey alot =D lmao

seriously its kinda one of the awesomest poems i ever heard, (i am aware that awesomest is not a word) lmao

Answer 3

I can say it's interesting and touching, very touching. It's very sweet.

Answer 4

I'm not trying to be crude or abusive,,, I'm also out of sugar pills.

It was an ever loving struggle to read,,, now that I have read it three times, I'm not at all sure what you are saying yet.

The meaning, at least to me, is lost.  Rhythm is awkward.  Rhyming is just spotty leading me to believe you gave up on this aspect for the most part.

Answer 5

Hello again!

Wow, you're a really good writer! Do you do it professionally? That poem is so deep, it's brilliant!

xx

Answer 6

This is a strange one to critique - it has flashes of greatness mixed with blandness....it is a very weird mixture.

eg You've been drawn by a peasant's hand

Stained by winter's rain...............great

I remember the many nights

When I would ponder by the lights............not so good

The subject matter is enigmatic - I like that, I've read it several times, but I am still not sure what it all means.

Answer 7

Whoah! for making the end words rhyme with the other end word in the next line. Only few poets are using that style now

and

Hurray! for that deep insight