Would you consider this to be rude? ?

Question

if your mother in law didn't come around or even ask if you needed a hand with ANYTHING just after you had your first child?

my mother could not be with me due to a life threatening situation. ( she could not travel either) and my in laws live in the same town as us.

and i just though that since my MIL knew about the situation,that she would make some sort of effort to help me out.or at least ask me.

but i didnt see or here anything from her for the first 4 weeks, and ever since i have been stewing on it i know thats not healthy but what can i do now? nothing.

Answer 1

truthfully I find it strange but not rude.

Also and I'm not trying to be a smarta** but I am so jealous!!!!!!

Answer 2

Maybe she is waiting for you to ask for help??  I know, I know you shouldn't have to ask for help, but maybe she doesn't want to intrude???

Answer 3

just look on the bright side, she isn't at the house bothering you constantly...and she isn't overbearing or controlling...  

Answer 4

Maybe she just doesn't want you to feel like she's trying to tell you what to do.  Just ask her for some help.

Answer 5

It depends on what your relationship with your mil is on a regular basis. If she has never offered help or advice before, then she is just being herself, without even thinking that you might be interested in having her assistance. I wouldn't be quick to pass judgment in either direction, before picking up the phone, and calling her, to ask her if she can help out a bit, because you're in a tight spot. (If my mil lived in the same city as me, and m mother was unavailable for whatever reason, I would do that.)

Answer 6

I am like most of the other PP My MIL won't go away. my baby was born early and while sitting in the NICU, (she had to come everynight on one of our two daily visits) that she was taking 2 weeks off to help. I told her I wasnt' sure when/if we would need it. she took the time off anyway. she spent the last two months while my Husband was home telling me if i want even 5 min to call and she will come right over. I have told her a gazillion times No thanks, she has been smothering me for months now. when my husband went back to work I told her I wanted it to just be me and baby, she's my first and there won't always be someone so I wanted to make sure I could do it on my own. she got bent out of shape and told my husband in a snotty tone she wasnt going to force her help on me. my only question was..."what has she been doing for the last 3 months" Feel lucky, it is not the same when its not your own mom, my mom can't be here either she can't afford to, If you really want the help. make sure you REALLY want it, lol then just ask.

Answer 7

Was she close with you or her son before? The answer to that could have a lot to do with it. But yeah, it seems rude to me, but not something worth fighting about. It could cause estrangement and a baby deserves love from every person it can get it from.

And I wished I had your problem when my son was born.. my MIL came and cleaned every day.. but it started to get old quick when she started to rearrange my entire house. I was grateful for her help, but also going stir crazy and felt like I had no control over my home...

Answer 8

i think she could have a least asked you funny how people disappear when they know we need help same thing happen when i had my cesar with my last as soon as i was better the doorbell rang again but befor that i had a great housekeeper oh you should have said that you were going to buy everyone who helped you out after the baby was born a little gift to say thank you that would have got her thinking

Answer 9

You should have spoken up much sooner. Don't stew about it, just let it go. It's to late now anyway. If you have a super close relationship with your MIL and she usually comes around all the time but went MIA when the baby got here then yes I'd think it was rude for her not to offer help. However if she's like most MIL's and you keep it friendly but aren't all that close then I wouldn't expect miracles. I don't get along all that well with my MIL. She offered to come when my daughter was born and it ended very ugly. Long story, but we haven't spoken since she left to return home over four months ago :)

Don't live in the past. If you'd like her help with things now please just ask her. Be specific on what you could use her help with and see what happens. Some people are happy to help when asked but just aren't the type to offer it up front. Does her son (your husband) offer to help with laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc or does he have to be asked? Just wondering...

Answer 10

Well I actually had this smae sitaution where my MIL lived 5miles away but never offered to come help. She did visit time to time for short periods of time. Then there is my mother who is just unstable so I have it bad from both ends! I just adapted and never thought much of it.

Answer 11

Wow that really sucks. IN LAWS AHHHHH HEAD ACHE. My mother in law gets pissed of when I don't return her calls right away. She decided to basically punish me and not visit us. The drama never ends.

Answer 12

I would not worry about it, ..probably she has ben busy. Im happy to hear tht she is not always contorling you and watching over each thing you do, so be happy! And congrats!

Answer 13

what was your relationship like before you had the baby?

Answer 14

I would be so HAPPY cause i cannot stand my mother in law because she is a troublemaking idiot.

I wanted only my mom to help me out which she did. I did not even have to ask.

Most people will just come and visit but not babysit or whatever.. which you can't expect people to help you out because it was your decision to have a baby.

My husband was a big help when i had our son...What about your husband? Your siblings? Friends?

I would stop worrying over her about how she did not come and help. maybe she thought you did not need any help.

My mom had 7 kids and did not have no help at all when she came home from the hospital (not even from our daddy) and she made it and did not complain about it.

Answer 15

That sounds rude to me, too.  I don't see any reason not to at least offer.  That's the polite, caring thing to do, and that's what families are for.  She knew you were bound to have some tough times and it would've helped you so much to have her around then.  You should talk to your husband about this, tell him that you feel hurt that his mother wasn't there for you when you needed her.  Maybe just getting it off your chest will help.  If not, you should probably talk to your MIL about it.

Answer 16

I do not think she was being rude at all. She probably had the perspective that you would let her know if you wanted help. Especially when there is a first birth, some grandmothers give more space than mother wanted for fear of seeming to be interfering. Mothers in law walk a thin line. I think you should talk to her about this, since you say you are close, and get her point of view rather than stewing about it. Honestly, you could easily have asked her to help, and she was probably waiting for you to do so. Don't allow hurt feelings to fester any longer. If you have a MIL you get along with, do what you can to keep it that way. God bless.

Answer 17

I haven't had one person offer to come over and help me.  My husband was home for the first two weeks, but since then, I've been on my own.  My mom is deceased.  My mother in law is in her 70s, so she's a little less able to help, but an offer would have been nice.  What's funny is that my husband called her and asked her to come by and she said no!

I don't let it bother me, though.  I guess I'm used to being on my own.  Not too many people in the world you can count on.  I'm very lucky to have my husband.