Would you continue reading if this was the first chapter?

Question

At first glance one may have thought she was paying close attention. Her back was hunched over the keyboard fingers flying seemingly in time with her professors words, the occasional sifting of pages that looked to be notes. Warm hazel eyes would flit to the dry erase board at the front of the class before returning to the soft glow of her screen. The act even went as far as the raising her hand when a question was addressed to the class, or a snide remark regarding something said. Nonetheless all actions spoke of her rapt attention. But then again she was a good actress. Too bad she didn’t know she was acting.

“Alright class that’s it for today. Finish the reading and you might actually know what I’m talking about come Monday‘s quiz.” Sheepish groans mixed with the sound of bags being zipped closed as the professor dismissed the class and students made their exit.

Reluctantly Johanna closed her laptop and gently slid it into her bag as she stood. Grabbing the loose leaf pages from the table she attempted to put them in some semblance of order as she made her way to the door. She probably would have made it too were it not for the foot placed directly in her path. In a flurry of paper Johanna cursed as she fell hard on her hands and knees. She yelped as she felt a staple pierce the palm of her right hand. Shifting to sit on her butt she plucked the offending bit of metal from her flesh.

“Oh did you break a nail?” asked a bored voice above her.

“No but I sure as S**t hope I broke your foot.” She snapped looking up. Honey brown eyes stared down at her and for a moment she thought she saw a flash of gold in them before they narrowed in contempt at her comment.

“You know ladies shouldn’t curse.”

Johanna began to gather her papers, shoving them haphazardly into her bag. “Yea well chivalry is obviously dead since a gentleman” she spoke the word like a curse as she rose to her feet, “ wouldn’t trip a lady and would’ve at least asked her if she was alright first after having done so. So thank you good sir for driving the final nail into the proverbial coffin of good manners.” In a huff she tried to exit the room a second time but was once again interrupted by that bored bass that was fast becoming annoying.

“A writer are we?”

Johanna froze for a moment then turned and stormed back towards him. She had intended to snatch the precious page from his hands but he stood holding it out of reach. Johanna didn’t realize it until she was standing directly in front of him straining to reach it just how tall he was. It was rare that her five feet ten inches felt short and yet she realized she barely came to his chin. “What is your problem?” she demanded stepping back and crossing her arms over her chest.

“Hmmm, that depends.” he smirked. Although she didn’t know him enough to properly read the action that smirk said he was about to do something evil.

“Depends on what?”

He glanced up at the page he still held high above her. “On the way ’She gasped as his hands slid sensuously over her bare skin. He reached up to tangle-”

Johanna lunged for him. “Give that back!”

“-his fingers in her hair forcing her to arch against him. He nipped her throat with perfect teeth before gently suckling the spot and she rewarded him with a moan. She pressed-” he was cut off as Johanna was finally able to pull the page from his grasp. She crammed it into her bag snapping it securely closed. He chuckled only succeeding in further infuriating her. “So is that why you looked so busy this entire class? I suppose a bit of s**t is much more entertaining than Topics in Classical Mythology.”

“That was private.” she hissed through clenched teeth. “You had no right.”

He noted that she was quite thoroughly enraged and he was sure she was going to slap him but he couldn’t resist goading her some more. Her hazel eyes flashed over the rims of her glasses as she glared up at him. Her cheeks were flushed in anger providing a becoming glow to her lightly tanned skin. “Well Johanna I rather-”

“How do you know my name?”

He snorted in annoyance. “You do so like interrupting don’t you? First a perfectly good bit of erotica and now I cant even properly ask to finish.”

“Bas+ard.” she cursed and turned to walk away.

“Dmitri.” he called after her.

Johanna stopped with her hand on the door. “Excuse me?”

“My name is Dmitri, not b*****d.”

“Then I’ll be sure to put your given name at the top of my S**t list.”

Dmitri laughed as she stepped out into the hall. “And I knew my father!” he yelled after her.

“Good for you!” he heard her faintly yell back.

Dmitri placed his hands in his pockets and exited the classroom. He laughed to himself as he followed the path he had watched Johanna take since the beginning of the fall semester, playfully wondering how he could irk her even further. Dmitri caught sight of Johanna in the distance as he exited the history building. The light of the autumn sun s

Answer 1

I would so totally continue reading! it sounds great, you should email anything you have, i would read it all, it looks really good

you should post more up, I would love to read more, you are a very good writer

Answer 2

     I think it's very well written.  Nice flow, very few mistakes, (typos).  I think it's going to make a great story.  Try the old trick of reading it into a tape recorder and playing it back.  You can pick up any mistakes you may have made in that way, and it also shows you how the story sounds to readers.  I love the 'proverbial nail in the coffin of good manners.'  That's a lovely line.  You're obviously talented, so keep at it.

Good luck

Mike B

Answer 3

It's well written for the most part and it has a nice flow to it. However, I wouldn't read it. I'm getting a vampire vibe and I think Twilight has exhausted the vampire market for a while. I would definitely read something you wrote if it was on a different topic though!

And it might not include vampires? If so, then I might consider reading the whole thing :)

Really nice work.

Answer 4

uhhhh, what's with the biting???  is he supposed to be a vampire or something... i don't particularly like the swearing.. but maybe that's just me. A little confusing, but if you put maybe some other thing in that place (biting), it might get a little more response, and less confusion! I'm not saying its bad though- definitely a good start!  

Answer 5

Yes! it sounds great, can you e-mail it to me when you're done?

I'd love to read it!

Answer 6

this was awsome! Love it! i would so read it email me the next chapter or tell me where i can go to read it?

Answer 7

I would definatley read it though this doesn't really sound like a first chapter

Answer 8

Omg yea, i would read it. It's really good! detailed but not boring, and interesting yet original!! whoa, I use big words!! lol good work!

I'd love to read more of this!! You should post up the second chapter or sumtn later on if you need critique. I'm pretty good at critiquing so if you need any help . . .

Can you help me out? It's easy peasy. It's about my characters (in my book): http://ca.answers.yahoo.com/question/ind... Smanx if you do. If you don't, that's ok, too.

Answer 9

Yes, I would definitely continue reading this.

This is one of the more 'readable' stories I've found on YA.  It hooks you in and keeps you wanting more.

You do have a few typos and punctuation errors but not enough to detract from the story.  Although, if you plan to publish it, you may want to proofread.