Would you have your daughter checked to see if she was still a virgin?

Question

A friend of mine recently caught her teen daughter sleeping over at a boy's house. Her daughter told her she wasn't having s*x with him but that wasn't good enough. So she scheduled a doctor's appointment to get her birth control and to also check to see if her daughter was still a virgin.

In one way I understand the want to know but on the other hand I think she went a little too far. What would you do and what are your thoughts on this?

Answer 1

That is so 1950's (see the movie "A Summer Place").  I don't think most doctors these days would violate patient confidentiality by telling mom if her teenage daughter's hymen was still intact or not without the daughter's permission, let alone force the daughter to spread her legs for him if she refused.  Nor is an intact or perforated hymen any assurance that a woman has or hasn't had intercourse.

Mom needs to face the reality that there are some things she can control and some she can't and that ultimately her daughter is responsible for her own behavior.  Bottom line:  if mom wants her daughter to go on birth control, then it ceases to be a concern whether the daughter has already had s*x or not.

There are risks to oral contraceptives.  I hope whether daughter goes on them or not is a decision everyone agrees to by way of informed consent and not just because mom wants her to.

Funny how so many intrusive, overbearing moms, while seeming to be well-intentioned, drive their daughters into the arms of a sympathetic and supportive boyfriend.

Answer 2

Doctors cannot tell parents confidential information about their kids and most doctors will tell them that.  Good doctors will also tell your friend that looking for the hyman does not indicate virginity.  I had a bad wipe-out on my bike when I was 8 and broke my hyman.

I think your friend was trying to scare her daughter and in doing so I don't think her daughter is ever going to go to her for anything important.  I will be very open and candid with my daughters and help them make the best and most educated decision.  While I hope that wait as long as possible so they can mature into young women who know themselves, I'm not going to demand they remain virgins until marriage.  That is a decision they will have to make.

Answer 3

Well, there is no way to determine for sure, if a woman is a virgin, and I find it hard to imagine that ANY doctor would do such an exam.

If I supsected my daughter was having s*x, I would make sure she knew about birth control and where to get it, and discuss the emotional issues involved with early s*x behavior.

Answer 4

You can't "check" to see if someone is still a virgin. She's probably doing it to scare her.

I wouldn't do that to my daughter when I have children, but I would give her birth control and see if she needs condoms or anything.

EDIT: I love how everyone is giving this thumbs down for telling the truth.

jachooz- a doctor cannot tell if someone is still a virgin by an exam, unless they find s***n present inside the body. By checking the hymen, you cannot tell, because some girls are born without them and others are torn by tampons, horse back riding, etc.

You can sleep over a person's house without having s*x, it's plausible.

When I have children I plan to make sure they are prepared in case of something happening once they hit about high school age, because I'd rather be safe than sorry. Teens are going to do what they want regardless of what you say or do. When there is a will, there's a way. I"d rather give my children the protection they need and have them feel they can talk to me than be closed off and have them come home one day and say "Guess what, I'm pregnant."

Answer 5

I think checking to see if she's a virgin is wrong. Thats crossing the line and invading the girls right to privacy. I can understand wanting to know but you just can't do that.

Answer 6

Doctors don't do "virginity checks" anymore (not in the civilized world, anyway). The presence or absence of a hymen isn't proof of anything. The doctor will probably tell her that.

On the other hand, the daughter has lied to her mother already, or she wouldn't have been sleeping at her boyfriend's to be "caught" in the first place. So no, the daughter's word is NOT good enough here. The mother should probably just operate on the assumption that her daughter is indeed sexually active, and leave the gynecologist out of the whole family drama.

Answer 7

I think that's a little much. There has to be some sort of trust between a teen and a parent. That trust was violated when your friend had her daughter's hymen checked (which can break from riding a bicycle or even playing sports). She should have just trusted whatever her daughter said about what happened and put her on birth control.

Answer 8

I think thats probably ok. I mean if shes telling the truth, theres nothing to be worried about. My grandma broke into my Myspace and saw messages from my boyfriend that said things like, "I want you here in my arms." She came, publicly humiliated me in the grocery store parking lot, and told my friends they could never talk to me or else she would send them to jail and they'd never see their parents again. (I dont know how she figured that would work.) And, she told me boyfriend if he ever talked to me again she'd take out back and fuc*ing kill him. Then she said she was going to take me to the doctor to check if I was a virgin. Now THATS over reacting! Hope I helped!(:

Answer 9

thats totally WRONG! if my mum took me to the doctors to see if i was still a virgin ( she wouldnt because we have a close realationship and i tell her everytin) then i would be ashamed to call her my mum! thats a real personal matter having some stranger check you down there! everyone will have s*x one day! what happend to having a 'talk'.

Answer 10

NO! she'd hate you for life...and that would destroy the trust between you and your daughter....and if she really wasn't having s*x, like she told you, your gonna be embarassed, and maybe she wont feel she can tell you things, cause you wont believe her.

Answer 11

That is totally invasive even if it is her daughter.  That is a good way to loose the trust of a child.  And then not believing the child?  Wow.  Your friend is really bout to loose that sacred bond between parent and child.

All your friend needed to do was to get the kid on the pill if she thinks she is having s*x.  She is waaaaaaaaay outta line by taking her daughter to have her v****a inspected.  It's plain creepy and gross especially because it is unnecessary.

Your friend has got issues.  Wow!  Good Luck on this one!

Answer 12

You can check someones a virgin..

Hmm isn't that the thingy that beaks during s*x.. what if it broke horse riding or something..

Id run away if my mum did that

Answer 13

i would take her and get her checked, it is better than having an unwanted preg

Answer 14

well i kind of understand..i mean im sure she just doesnt want her daughter to get pregant and stuff. But I mean if her daughter has never given her a reason to not trust her then why would she be worried? If she has confidence in herself and the values and morals instilled in her child, i dont think there is anything to worry about. So in that case i would think she went to far.

Answer 15

Of course your first answer was wrong.  A doctor CAN check to see if someone is a virgin........

But it is none of anyone elses business.  If the mother chooses to put her daughter on birth control then she should do it.....she doesn't need to know the details. Some things are better left alone.

Does the mom go around confessing every time she has s*x?

Answer 16

I will when I have one...... And i'm going to canada so my girl can get injected with the stuff that gaurentees a BOY

Answer 17

yeah i guess she went a bit too far. what does she hope to achieve by finding out? is she from a community where virgnity is a pre-requisite to getting married? but in todays age i think thats a bit too prudish. virginity can be lost by othr means too, and not by just having sexual intercourse. so i fail to see how her findings are going to help her.

Answer 18

If the s*x is recent enough then it can be detected by looking for small trauma or bruising which happens even in gentle intercourse so yes, she can be checked. I wouldn't though. It's a huge invasion of privacy. I think getting her birth control is a good idea but I wouldn't have her checked.

Answer 19

No, I would not do that to my daughter.

First of all, you cannot check to see if someone is a virgin or not.  

So instead of simply attempting to scare my child into not having s*x, I'd have a rational and adult conversation with her to discuss s*x and what the consequences are.

More parents need to keep those lines of communication open instead of just assuming their children are up to no good.