Would you help me shape my poem...?

Question

...so that it better reflects my message (which can be found below the actual poem).

And did you like it?

The Birth of Celestial Bodies

--

A smaller strain of consciousness forms my galaxies

Varied sentience, synergistic in me

The guise of self is cancer causing disunity

Spatial bodies, microcosms repeat

Our source of life evolving over time to get through

Double helix, whispered secrets in you

Those paranoid and predatory veiling the truth

Mind controlling, and distracting on cue

Another hidden presence speaks image in dreams

Conscience crying, ego dying in me

A timeless influence from nowhere piercing through sleep

The over-mind, underlying all things.

Some crucial mysteries claim to be un-pursued

Space is yawning, spawning questions in you

The ruling hand of shepherds weeding out the confused

Inquisition, the imposition they choose

Answer 1

Good to see you writing.

I also agree that you shouldn't have to explain it.  Let the poem do that for you.

You are almost there, but I don't quite see your meaning yet.  I want to see it, so show me.  

You tend to be a bit abstract, when I want to see what you mean.  Show the atoms inside you.  Perhaps a cancer cell, rubbing up against the hemoglobin or something.

Good luck, and keep writing!

Answer 2

The poem is excellent.  Reading the additional details lessened the impact of your poetry.

Good poetry, like a good joke, doesn't need explanations.

Keep writing.

T.