Would you leave someone with agoraphobia?

Question

This is a really long question but I need some advice so bad. When I met my boyfriend, I just knew we would get married. I fell in love with him because he is such a great guy and we have so much in common. We were the perfect couple. When he started suffering from agoraphobia, it was hard but I tried to be sympathetic and believe that he would get better. We weren't living together yet and I was ready to then but I thought I could wait. A year and a half has passed and we are still not any better. Things have gotten so much worse. We haven't went anywhere together. He missed all of last year and this years holidays and my college graduation. I can be understanding about all of this since I know he did want to be there for all of those things. The biggest problem is that he bad been telling me all along that he was taking medicine and seeing the counselor. I couldn't be mad when he was trying, right? He just told me last night that he hasn't been doing anything and now it is so bad that he can't even work. He hasn't even worked in a month. We live an hour apart so it is easy for him to lie about these things. What do I do now? Now it would be even harder for him to get help since he has waited so long. He wants me to move in with him and let his parents move out but wouldn't that be stupid of me? Should this be my sign that I have to give up on him? I called the only mental health clinic his county has and no one does house visits. Any advice would be so great. How much should I tolerate before I have to just give up on him? Now I can't even believe him because he done such a good job talking about his counseling sessions and everything. I just know how good it can be and I understand how the fear of losing someone can make you do really stupid things.

Answer 1

It doesn't matter how long it's been that he hasn't had help, he can still get it. He has to be willing to get the help though. It can't be forced and it can't be for someone else. Meaning, he has to do for himself and not for you. He has to make the choice to take the pills and go to therapy. You don't need a child....you need a partner. I suffer from a ton of things and I have many many bad days that I need the help of my husband and children. It's not easy for them and they have given up a lot to be there and help me and I am one that will try everyday to help myself. Think about this before you move in with him. He has lied to you. What will happen when you are living with him and he is still not getting any help. I think that if he really loves you then he needs to deal with his issues before you move in. Tell him that you love him and are willing to help him and stay with him but he has to help himself first. If he wants you in his life then he needs to be on meds (everyday) and going to weekly therapy. It's still going to be work for both of you but why should you make all the effort when he is not? Good luck!

Answer 2

Well, you've done all you can to support him. I'm sure you don't appreciate being lied to about his visits to the therapist. You can try giving him an ultimatum and telling him that if he doesn't REALLY seek help, you're going to leave him, because you can't take any more. You can also offer to go with him to the therapist. Good luck!

Answer 3

If he refuses to help himself ... you'll have to help yourself and get out of that relationship . His disorder will take over and destroy your life .

   He must get help and meds and do all he can to help himself or you must do all you can to say goodbye and get into a normal relationship.

Answer 4

You must have really liked him at one point if you thought that he was the man you were going to marry, so perhaps you shouldn't have given up on him.

Does he live alone?  If you moved in with him then maybe he would forget about his phobia...

If he doesn't live alone, the maybe he just doesn't trust the people he lives w/.  

Either way, sounds like that's a scary place to be mentally and emotionally, and it sounds like he could really use you in his life.

Does he believe in God?

God is the answer to all things, He is greater than any problem any of us has.  God is willing and eager to help us, all we have to do is ask.

Answer 5

A year and a half is, sadly, a short time to get a handle on agoraphobia.

Only you know what you are willing to handle and how much you love this man. Its not going to be easy to stand by him as he works his way back to a functioning level. It takes considerable effort for both of you. He may seem like he isn't trying...when, in fact, that may be when he is trying hardest.

Bottom line, if you love him without fault or question, help him. But you have to have outlets and you have to protect your own mental health. People who support sufferers have to have a tremendous strength and understanding.  

Answer 6

He probably doesn't want to have to go and talk to a stranger in some uncomfortable, uncontrollable setting. I suffer primarily from social anxiety, but I can feel a bit of agoraphobia starting to shine through because of that... I really wouldn't leave my house if I didn't have to. Well, I would: but I wouldn't go to places full of people, especially by myself. I am married, and my wife is like a soft security blanket that helps shield me from the harsh realities of walking out my front door. So I can imagine that he feels very lucky to have you around, and that he has lied in order to appease you while silently thinking that going to see someone would be impossible. Maybe if you go with him, hand in hand that might help out. All I know for sure is that leaving him might be the best choice for you because you can just go on with your life and smile again. Him: He will probably be scarred when the only person he lets close to him does something he'd expect from an "outsider"... he sees you as this warm loving individual and so as soon as you prove him wrong on that: he will likely either isolate himself even further, or at extreme--commit suicide, as perhaps he's not living for much else.