Would you let you child see their extended family if they were like this?

Question

I adopted a little boy 7 months ago he was 2 1/2. His parents are dead and he was living with his aunt and cousin. He has a half sister who lives 7 hours away. Social services took my son away from his aunt because she was an abusive alcoholic would did not feed the children and drugged them with tylenol. Since moving in with us the doctors have found evidence of sexual abuse that was done to him and social services thinks that one of the party buddies of his aunt did this to him. We wanted him to know his cousin but every time we tried to let them see each other she was begging for money to go out drinking while I watched her son. Because of the psychological trauma my son suffered from seeing her again it was decided through a child psychologist, social services and me that he would not have to see his aunt anymore. Now social services has called and said my sons half sister is in town for a short period and they wanted to set up a visit. Now I have no problem with that but the family the sister lives with drinks and from what I have heard is foster parents for the money. They also live in a community that has high drug use and that sort of lifestyle. From my short conversation on the phone with them they did not sound like people you would want to be around let alone bring a child around.

I have set up the meeting and will see how it goes but I am uneasy. I know he should know his family but the type of family they are is not god and I do not want him exposed to that exspecially after such a hard life so far. The trauma he has had to endure has left huge scars on him physically and mentally and I do not want to cause more.

I am torn between doing what is right for him right now (limiting his exposure even if it means not seeing his extended family) and doing what is socially right. Everyone says but what about when he gets older and finds out you did not let them have contact he could be very mad. Which could be true but on the other hand letting him see his other family could cause more problems than he already has.

And the family he has now (our family) is large and he has grandparents, aunts, uncles, and loads of cousins who are not abusive and living controversial lives.

Answer 1

I would cut off any communication to the childs family, it is your chld now. your family is now the child's family

Answer 2

As much as you want to be politically correct Your his voice. And you have to stand up for him now today not 10 years+ down the road. He needs your guidance and protection and when he is old enough and able to defend himself then he can decide. If you really want him to be around them then supervise in a public place where drinking is prohibited. Do it on your terms your his parent. Good luck with your decision.

Answer 3

weather they like it or not,

you are now his mother.

its legal and they can not take him from you even if they wanted to.  maybe in the future, you can bring him to a reunion meeting if you decide its right for him when he can understand.

who knows, maybe he'll be so devastated at the trauma they caused him he WONT want them in his life.

do whats best for him. maybe this last meeting, but then you should probably wait until hes older and let him decide for himself.  you wouldn't want him to run off looking for people who would hurt him all alone, right?

Answer 4

You cannot judge the half sister through hearsay and inuendo despite evidence of abusive behavior from others that have been involved in the childs life. Keep the scheduled visit. But before you allow her to meet the child, have a private meeting with her alone and explain to her your wishes for the health, stability and happiness of her half-brother. Explain to her that she will need to share those same goals in order to spend time with him. Be kind to her but make her fully aware. You will know by instinct if she "gets it". Many families drink....it is their behavior because of excess that gets them in trouble. Their lifestyle may not be ideal in your eyes, but all you need to care about is how the person to person interaction with your son goes. Take it one step at a time with an open, loving, mind and heart. Good luck.

Answer 5

Your main concern is for the child and his well-being.  No one is in your shoes and do not know what you are going through and what this child has been through.  Throw your concerns to the social worker and let her know that you understand that she wants to see him, but if she was so concern and loved him why did she let this happen and whether she knew or not he is traumatized and just adding on and letting him see anyone from that family is torture and would just put loads of stress on him.  If you have no other choice and they insist that this meeting happen let the social worker know that you have concerns and that you would like to meet with them in a public place and they be supervised and if she can not do nothing about it you go to the judge and let him know that your interest is for the child and his safety and mental stability.  You have to do all you can to protect this child since his family could not.

Answer 6

yeah

Answer 7

i wouldnt, do whats best.  

Answer 8

i would set up a meeting with her first without him and see how it goes but i definatly wouldnt let him see that other person at all nor anyone else who would even let those things go on

Answer 9

Your responsibility to protect your son is paramount. It's negligent to expose him to a harmful environment.

Answer 10

It may not be politically correct but I would limit his exposure to them.  Even if he is mad when he is older, you have to make the best decision for him now and seeing them can in no way help him.  You have a wonderful family for him to grow up in.  It seems like it would only confuse and hurt him to see them.  I think when he is older, he will understand why you kept him away and be thankful for it.  You really are rescuing him from a really hard life.  I think it is wonderful what your family has done.  You have given him such an amazing gift and shouldn't feel guilty about following your instincts.  

Answer 11

you do what you think is best for him,he is your son now.maybe when he gets older you meet with this family and let him to get to know his half sister when they are old enough to know what is going on around them theirselves.

Answer 12

Just go through with the meeting and hopefully everything will be ok and if not you have that right for him not to see them anymore. Thats sad for a child to go through horrible events like that at his age. Good luck

Answer 13

you know what, Mom, you're certainly asking the right questions and your heart is definitely in the right place. I would pray about the decision to expose him to that side of his family and make sure that God gave me peace about it. Your baby is relying on you to make his FORMATIVE years as peaceful and structured as possible. It's in your hands in determining what kind of toddler he will be, what kind of adolescent he will become, and finally, the man God intends for him to be. When he's old enough to understand, he will understand why you've protected him from certain exposures. He will no doubt, seek out those family members on his own when old enough, and be able to discern for himself, whether or not to participate in thier lives. You know, my father, whom I don't speek to now for reasons I won't divulge, used to tell me this: " When you get older, you can decide for yourself who your family really is, and make the decision whether or not you want to know them" We don't get to choose which family we're born into, but we can choose, hopefully with much prayer, whom we let influence our lives.

  You know in your own heart what hope you hold for this boy. Act accordingly. God bless you.  

Answer 14

I'm sorry to hear about this. I can relate to this because I too have an 8yr. old nephew that has been away from his mom four about 4yrs. now and as hard it is for me to say this. I think he is and has been better off, but the hard part is that his mother is my sister. Full blood and nothing half step or anything. Anyhow back to you if this kid is still very young I would say for you to do what is best for him at least until he gets to an age where he can decide for himself. I don't really think it'll be much until he starts asking questions and want to meet his own family. I think he for now has to be in a safe environment to help him cope with his troubles and then later on make up his own mind and let him see for himself about other family he has. If you just let him be around them too much, it can affect him, but if you just take him away from all that untill he finds out you took him away then it will affect him. I advice to keep him safe for now until he requests to want to visit and hopefully he will see the type of people they are and not want to be around them. Because either way they are family and I guess he has a right to know or see them.  

Answer 15

I'd simply take him to see the family while they're there to assess things for yourself. I wouldn't base it on what you've heard about them or where they live. Simply go to see what kind of people they are (perhaps set up a meeting with just you and them before bringing your son over). They need to know that you aren't going to give in to social pressure from them. If they're offended by your "auditioning" them, then you can tell them that's the length to which you're willing to protect your son. Your responsibility is to your son, not to other people's opinions. I'd go meet them first and then judge based on that. You could also limit the interaction to a meal or a playground excursion (definitely with YOU there) to see how things go before committing to longer meetings.

Answer 16

no you keep that son away and try to get his sister. his sister if young enough you can let her see him maybe

Answer 17

aww I am sorry for ur son for what he had to go through....that is horrable

I think maybe you should let hime see them for maybe a half an hour and that is it..if it goes well maybe more but it is a bad environment for him to be in...and did u say they smoked and drank?? If they do I would tell them if they want to see him to let up on it..at least while he is with them

I am sorry I am only 14 so I cant really give you good advice or anything..

You are a wonderful person..giving a little boy a ssecond chance in life  =]

Answer 18

i am adopted and i do not know my real parents..... i wish to someday meet them but i think that is something that should be held off until he/she is older.... i think that keeping them away from these drugs and alcoholics is a good idea... i dont that a young child should be seeing all of that..... i was never a sheltered person but i think that it is best to wait........let the child know why you did this ..... later in life i am sure that they will not want anything to do with there aunt/cuz b/c you raised them a good way and kept them away from this harm.