Would you like to comment on my late night poem?

Question

Do I come to mind

in your kitchen?

Curved over your sink,

screaming your name?

Do I come to mind

downstairs reading?

Kneeling before you,

you screaming mine?

Do I come to mind

when the fire is burning?

Do you feel me beside you,

hear my heart?

Do I come to mind

on a perfect moonlit night?

Memory of passion,

excitement, fury?

Do I come to mind

when sleeping?

Sense our legs entwined,

and still taste me on your lips?

Do I come to mind, at all?

Answer 1

I was hoping for a metaphor, like the refrigerator and the sewing machine were having a lurid affair. Your poem is written well, I just wanted it to transform, like in that movie.

Answer 2

I read somewhere that flattery is like perfume...sniff it, don't swallow it. Wise words. Now, forget all the above outrageous hyperbole. Your poem isn't bad. 'Nuff said.

Answer 3

Excellent! Every stanza is a picture of a related,  vivid, dynamic, and 3 dimensional memory image. The last line was a nice closure.

Your words deeply touched my heart, stirred few memories, escaped all  security gates that locked the past, to relive the present.

I'm glad that you haven't added one more stanza, because you really know how to make a man's heart bleed. That is poetry.

Answer 4

This is amazing,,, the rhythm, the flow, the ease of being drawn into the words,,, the clarity, the bewilderment, the passions, the longing.  Wondering what the next stanza will bring,,, then not being disappointed.

Just simply excellent.

Answer 5

A relationship soured is what I read here.  The repetition of the first line sets each stanza up to me.  I hear you in this.  Well said.

Answer 6

Many things come to mind.  This is a very intimate picture of a passionate relationship.  Yet there is the danger of being taken for granted. or only seen as a sexual object. Kudos.

Answer 7

This is.....INTENSE!