1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers.
Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately
whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when
disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The
Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.
3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens
provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging
rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and
leave it alone.
4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces
the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic
atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light
fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and
exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"
5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the
haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers
next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui
aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your
vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.
6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against
the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there
to
use for stuffing handsewn play animals for
underprivileged children.
7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything
unsightly into one room and close the door. As you
show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the
door k**b vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love
you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed
and the shots are SO expensive."
8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place
a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS
is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."
9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly
over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and
try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did
this the week before that unspeakable accident... I
haven't had the heart to clean it..."
10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household
cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle.
Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in
conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look,
throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and
I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."
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