Would you mind if I changed mine?

Question

Gun Shy Kisses-(+)-

#6

A woman from the next street

caught my eye

she glared at me

ill favored purpose burning in her stare

Shoving the map to Kay

safely away

I walked

to escape her looks

and found

that foul eyes follow

She wore the countenance

of one like me

A killer

A thief

No real rate

save her talents in death…

-The original twist I had planned may be a tad trite… so, here, in this part, I am attempting to shift it… but do not worry, it will have the same essence… only more twisted…

Blessed Be in Changing Ones’ Mind, Siren

Answer 1

Hi Siren,

Here are some paring suggestions for you to consider, do what you will:

A woman on the next street

caught my eye

ill favored purpose burning in her stare

Shoving the map

safely away

I tried

to evade her gaze

She wore the countenance

of one like me

A killer

A thief

No real rate (wasn't sure what this means)

save her talents in death…

So, a few minor suggestions. I'm interested to see how this turns out.

Answer 2

Is the huntress becoming the hunted?  I am confused at this "twist" of fate.  This is telling of how our seductress/assassin feels about herself.  That makes her more vulnerable.  And softens her around the edges.  All very interesting.  Thank you.

Answer 3

Now there are two assassins or did I get something wrong here?  Cheers !!

Answer 4

I like the use of the "extra" words like - "she glared at me". You are telling a story, creating a scene and trying to set the tone of your characters. Sometimes the etiquette of poetry (like cutting out extra words) does not apply. I like the piece as written ♥

Answer 5

You're always welcome to change your mind. I think I know the twist you were planning, but remain unsure. Whoever these eyes are following here. I'm suspecting something along the lines of a false contract...and someone in reality is being sent to kill dear Charlotte. So, is Kay a farce, or does she actually exist?

Answer 6

Todd is always right. You can make this more poetic, but, it is a cool story.