Would you please COMMENT ON THIS humble work of mine?

Question

Silenced by the luscious lips of Erato I was thrown into an unconcious state of utter confusion upon the the sacred image of your being;

fine and gentle and graciously divine....your heart escapes my pursuits and daring insinuations that scandalize the world of the gods;

the winds are growing stronger and wild and they come to announce the message that brings rest to my soul.....

I was granted the privilege to sit on the honourable throne of Friendship;

such privilege humbles my soul to a state mostly possessed by the gods.

Night is here now and forever but I will battle angels and demons and the lord himself to reach closer to the Castle of Infinite Light that shines upon my being eternally thereafter.

Answer 1

Hmm... not bad, i like it.

Answer 2

Alphabet soup.  And awful at that.

"the best, most beautiful thing iv,e ever heard".  Don't listen to that guy.

Answer 3

wow, you are very talented.

Answer 4

thats really good. i like how the word placement is and how you explain the situation in the poem.

Answer 5

Pros

Deep wording

Descriptive

Captivating

Excellent discussion of the way friendship is uplifting

Cons

"humbles" to a state possessed by "gods"? wouldn't gods be at the top?

jumps from friendship theme to wanting to reach Heaven too quickly

Answer 6

Well,  I am not equipped to criticise anyone's work.

Still as a layperson I feel you've expressed your feelings very well.  Your inner desires/turmoil/resolution/message comes across clearly.  But whether this is more prose or poetry,  I can't decide.

Good Luck in all your (future) endeavours!

Answer 7

Deep and provocative; dark yet illuminating at once. I'd like to read the entire work as there must be more to it than what you have posted here.

Answer 8

LOVE IT!!!

Answer 9

You have a definite talent my love,  don't waste it.  You have a gift to write with the wind at the back of your words,  if you want to be a serious writer I daresay you could.    

I d give you a ten if this was a show that rated.

Answer 10

Well, it isn't my personal preference as far as poetry goes. It does seem like there might be a few superfluous words here and there.

It seems like you are consciously writing in a certain style, and I'm not sure it's really *your* voice. An example of that might be "daring insinuations that scandalize the world of the gods"... It feels like something that you might hear from this type of poetry, but I don't think it really matches what you're trying to say. Like, it sounds nice but its' meaning doesn't really sync up?

Same thing with the "humbles my soul..." line, I agree with that other answerer about that. It sounds nice, it sounds like it belongs, but its actual meaning doesn't really match.

I'm also not sure who "Erato" is or what the "Castle of Infinite Light" is, either. I thought I was pretty well read up on my mythology, too. Did you mean Eros, instead?

So, yeah. It sounds very nice, it has a grand feel to it. I would urge you to be careful with how you phrase some of those grand-sounding lines, as you want to make sure your meanings are precise.

Keep writing. =)

Luas

Answer 11

wow that is deep is it a poem because i LOVE it well it is the best, most beautiful thing iv,e ever heard