Would you (please?) comment on my poem about positive change?

Question

The All-Seeing Eye

Born once again but partially buried,

One of the few, but not of the very.

A pyramid's brick not quite at the ground,

And far from the top, head facing down.

Painfully turning,

Stretching and burning,

Separation of self preceding the journey.

A groping fall to black icy water,

Drifting and dwelling on living as fodder.

Then returned to the world with vision renewed,

Observing it all from a third person view.

Three eyes are dozing,

opening, closing,

Designs of invisible leaders exposing.

The risk of unstable human machines,

If they should ever know what this means,

They would grow tall and walk over us,

Our strings would burn and crumble to dust.

Programming gone,

Admittedley wrong,

Taking control and feeling so strong.

Answer 1

I read your stuff and consistently I notice people responding that they don't get your stuff.  

That is always OK, I could criticize that, but... I think that is what you are after.  When I think of eyes and I think of pyramids I think of God and Money.  The 1$ bill to be exact.  I think this poem could also be called "In God We Trust".  I think that would be clever.  

Then the way I follow this would be ironic because you would have the idea of trusting in God, but then in the end cutting your own puppet strings and going off on your own, w/o God.  

Invisible leaders could be a reference to spirit creatures ruling over different governments, (Which would loosely be based on the bible).

I think this has a real God and Man thing, which seems like, from your title, that is your theme.  With that in mind... there is much of the poem that I don't understand.

Again totally ok.  

That being said.  And I said a lot.  I don't think that it is amazing, I think poems like this are cool, but they are more interesting when they are a bit easier to figure out.

I think this is a little self indulgent and I think that you like to hear yourself talk.  You feel you are clever.  You may be, but sometimes you are just to clever.  

I do usually read your stuff when I see it, I would never pay for it or pay to see you at this point.  

RESPONSE TO RESPONSE:  Well well.  I expended quite a bit of time trying to figure out your poem, as my previous response would point to.  And in fact I enjoyed very much the challenge.  

I felt my critique was spot on, and after your response I am all the more certain.  

I like the idea that you thought I was vague and  that I crossed a line, I found that humorous.  I was neither negative nor vague but rather quite clear, and again judging by your reaction, I know I was clear.  

You want real criticism I am your man, as it says below I am certainly not a credible source nor do I take myself to serious.  I wish you would have taken my thoughts differently, positively, they were not meant to hurt your feelings.  

As i mentioned I enjoy reading your poems.

Answer 2

I didn't particularly get this poem.

It had some nice bits, and you've obviously got a knack for it, but I just wasn't sure where some of it was going.

Some bits were great and the language you used made it a lot more interesting.

Hope I helped.

Answer 3

I read poetry for what it evokes, not as a connect-the-dots-and-figure-it out thing.

Your poem reminded me of the Edna St. Vincent Millay poem Renascence (note the spelling) because it has a similar feeling, even though the style is very different.

What beautiful imagery.

'Admittedly wrong' is the only line that doesn't seem to fit, I don't know why, maybe too literal?

Have you ever read The Road by Cormack McCarthy?  His command of language is breathtaking.

edit... let everything in, and then set it free...