Would you please look at my poem?10easypoints?

Question

i wrote this poem when a couple monthes ago and recently found and edited it im 16 so don't be too harsh please.

It's called Dance,My Puppet Dance

Crystalized tears surround her face.

Blackened eyes show no emotion.

She slowly falls down to the floor,broken limbs and all.

What has become of her,who is she now

Beautiful,Broken,Bruised she takes a step up to breathe

Fractures dreams she looks upon,Haunted.

Can this be happening?

Could she be pushed to the extent that she's jsut laying there like a broken baby doll.

Waiting to be fixed once again,handled with such gentle care to just be thrown away.

A smile spreads across her face as she realizes there's hope if she can find it.

Broken little marionette doll,stand up.

Use the strings that once held you high above to climb.

Begin the routine once again,1 2 step,1 2 step.

FALL.

No Rude Comments

Please Star

Answer 1

I like how you keep the metaphor thing going all the way to the end. This may just be my opinion, but maybe you could split lines 8-10, just so they are shorter. You could also try putting "haunted" on a line of its own, to make the word stand out.

I really like the title, it is almost as if someone is saying that to her. I love the last 3 lines, and the ending line, even in just one word, was so powerful, it gave me shivers. I love how you separate "fall"; it makes it seem so much more meaningful. I like how you never come out and say it's about a real person, but you say it is about a doll.

Overall, I absolutely loved it! You don't have to listen to my suggestions, though. If you like it how it is, then keep it that way. I give it a 9.8/10.0.

Hope I helped!

Answer 2

i really like the imagery here and i like how it started which sometimes is the hardest part of writing a poem. i might play with the ambigious description that you have in the first two lines. describe the scene in which the puppet is lying. details about eyes and hair and clothes and the bruises so that the reader doesn't realize that it's really a doll you're describing. and then in with the doll imagery only to take the reader to the point at the end which is the doll is really a metaphor. i love poems that mean stuff...that's fine...but i believe in the essence of prose which is to tell a story and have the reader not even realize that a story is taking place because they're trying to "figure it out". i would like to see it fleshed out more but it's great imagery!

Answer 3

Interesting. It's very good. I'll call it a poetic story of every girl whose going through something that shattered all her hopes and dreams but now she is trying, fighting, yearning to be whole again.

Keep writing. Thanks for sharing.

Answer 4

Wow amazing so original and creative I give it a ten

outstanding!

Answer 5

Another girly poem.

Very dramatic. Reminded me of a kyle xy narration, I heard years ago. It felt very unreal, and felt like an over magnifcation of some problem really smaller than how you are making it out to be. If you read this to me on stage, I'd go out buy a tomato, at a store a mile away, than throw it at you.

Answer 6

im no poem expert, but i really like the personification in it. Acting the puppet as a real person with breathing and smiles. I hope that is what you were trying to do because it is really beautiful.I also like all the imagery you used.

When I read it and I think of a person being a puppet. I think she is unsure of life and wants to be showed around on strings. As she keeps falling she shows no desire NOT to stand right back up! I love it!

I don't know if that is what you are trying to say in your poem, everyone interprets poems differently but that is what I see and I absolutely adore it. Keep it up!

Answer 7

wow...a creative poem!!! i give it a 8^^. some of it is a bit too long and i kinda lose the feeling