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Would you please read & edit my UC personal statement? Do you think it is a good essay? Does it stands out? ?

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The struggles that my parents went through during their childhood in China made me realize that I needed to study hard in school and have a successful career. My parents have always told my siblings and I about how they had to do agriculture work to feed themselves and earning very little money to pay for college tuition. Throughout their lives in China, they have been struggling to earn money for a living. As I listen to their many hardships, I knew that my life has to be better and that I must go to college to fulfill my dreams and aspirations.

One of my long-term ambitions in life is to be a dentist. To be honest, I have never thought about becoming a dentist as a career choice until during late junior year. When I was little, my mom continually expostulate my sister and I to become a pharmacist. However, at that time I just went with what my mom thought was the best possible career choice for me. I thought becoming a pharmacist was pertinent for me because it is a high-paying job. When I started high school, I knew where my interests lies and what I wanted to do after college. Then towards the end of junior year, I realized that I wanted to be a dentist since science was always a subject that I was interested in.

To be a dentist, I know there are many concepts that had to be learned along with the vast amount of preparation. In order to prepare for this career, I joined the Hughes Scholars Summer Research Institute Program at UCSD which was 5-weeks long. Not only does this program provide students with the experience of college classes and hands-on lab experiments; but also including a stipend of 800 dollars and four college credits after completion of requirements. This program has truly succored me understand biology on a new perspective. The underlying reason I chose to be part of this program was that it will benefit my future career. Biology is an essential part of becoming a dentist; thus, learning the terminology of biology at a college level is a stupendous advantage for me.

Further, this valuable program has shaped my aspirations of going to college as I have the opportunity to experience what college is like. By having this exceptional opportunity, I will be ahead of others whom knows little or nothing about college. The conducive lectures that I learned in BILD 84, Molecular Biology, and Bioinformatics classes will be exceedingly beneficial for my intended major. Since I want to major in either biology or biochemistry in college, these classes will help me get a quick understanding of the basic concepts.

The Hughes Scholars Program was without a doubt a worthy experience for me. Even though it was only 5-week long, I feel that I gain greater knowledge about science in a new perspective. Hence, I am appalled to even be given such an opportunity that will advance my future. In essence, this program is definitely the first step towards preparation in becoming a dentist. I am infallible that by learning these fundamentals of science, my dreams will become true.

Please read it carefully and check for grammar. Amend something if it doesn't make sense. Please give me some feedback too. Is it a well-written essay or not? Explain your answer. Also, what can I do to make it better?

Thanks!! :)

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2 ANSWERS


  1. I'd loose the "expostulate" and the "to be completely honest."  The expostulate looks like it was dragged straight from the dictionary into a common sentence.  "To be honest," the UC admittance board is neither judge, jury, God, or a psychiatrist.  They really don't care if you honestly feel it or not.  Other than that, not a bad paper.  Looks good.


  2. You should not post you "personal statement" online becuase now it can become someone else p.s! I think you should take it to instructors @ your school.. That's the best answer..... you should delete this question... becuz what if someone jus copy and pastes you p.s? That would suck

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