Would you please review my poem?

Question

I just wrote this poem, and I wanted some feedback.

any thoughts good or negative are welcome!!

Thanks so much.

The looming smell of Fall thickens the air

The once vivid dreams of Summer fade to a muted grey

The last firefly illuminates the sky

The patter of tiny footsteps echoes weakly on the asphalt

The doors are reluctantly shut, and hastily locked

The silence of endings pervades the streets.

Answer 1

I agree, don't try too hard to describe everything, just let it come.

Sometimes, the best poems aren't forced, they end up being very simple.

For example: 'The doors are reluctantly shut, and hastily locked', just take out the word reluctantly. Simple right? Your previous lines already imply that you don't want summer to end, and the word isn't 100% necessary. When you take it out, the whole line flows better.

Like everyone else, I do really like it. I just think it's a touch forced.

Answer 2

It's a nice fragment. Needs more to satisfy me though. Thanks.

Answer 3

i think it has a little overkill. too many words that are descriptive. i forget my grammar, too many... adjectives?

i.e.

"the patter of tiny footsteps echoes weakly on the asphalt"

simplified...

"tiny footsteps echo on the asphalt."

i do really like it though. don't mean to sound like i don't. if this poem came to you and flowed like water in a stream, keep it like that. but if you spent a while trying to get descriptive words, you worked a little too hard. that's all.

Answer 4

rings many images to my mind...but try rhyming it a bit more

Answer 5

It is very nice, yet there are some common sayings for poems, that are sometimes over used.  like vivid dreams, firefly illuminates, but other wise its great.