Would you rate my poem?

Question

"Invisible Pain"

Screaming silently.

No one can hear,

My true pain,

Things are unclear.

Crying with no tears.

No one can see,

My real thoughts,

Churning within me.

Alone in a crowd.

No one can tell,

How miserable I am,

Because of my shell.

ok so tell me what you think, constructive criticism welcome.

Answer 1

I like the content of your poem very much, it's a really good write, I'd give it a 9.0, but the punctuation is distractingly off and pauses in the wrong places.

If I were asked to edit it, this is the punctuation I would suggest for ease of reading this so that the piece pauses in the right places.  Also, I'm not real fond of your choice of the phrase 'crying with no tears'.  I think the phrase 'crying on the inside' works a lot better with the stanza above speaking about screaming silently.

"Invisible Pain"

Screaming silently,

no one can hear

my true pain;

things are unclear.

Crying on the inside,

no one can see

my real thoughts

churning within me.

Alone in a crowd,

no one can tell

how miserable I am

because of my shell.

Again, this is a really good job!!

Answer 2

I liked this a lot.  It can relate to a lot of experiences one may have in his life.

If I had to suggest a tiny bit of criticism, I'd tell you to reword the lines

"Crying with no tears.

No one can see"..

so that the two "no" verses are not right next to each other.

But that's just a personal opinion.

Good job!

Answer 3

I actually really liked it, you did a very good job. Theres nothing I would change about it, it's perfect in my opinion. =)

Also my grade to you is an A+

if you get time please check out mine.......http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Answer 4

It is a great poem that i think a lot of people will be able to relate to! I know I can. If you wanted to though you could add another stanza either way its still think its great.

Answer 5

i love it...very emo. weirdly i can relate to it.

Answer 6

That was a totally awesome poem. Great job!

You've made a good choice with your words, enabling you to set an atmosphere that readers can understand clearly. I also liked how you used words that are descriptive, but not too long and fancy. Nowadays, "poets" always use long words even though they might not make much sense.

My advice to you is to write one more stanza, even though the work you've made right now is amazing. Although your poem really interested me, I felt like something was missing. It may be too short.

But overall, great job! =D