Would you read a book for a boys point of view if it was written by a girl? Here is a fragment.?

Question

Keep in mind this is copyright

Everyone was still asleep when I first woke. Lou-Lee, the tough girl was snoring, Mink was curled up in a ball between two pillars, Rye, Mr. Easygoing, was practically jumping in his sleep, and Tyann was under a mountain of blankets.

I was the leader of this so-called gang. We were all runaways, and all some how found each other. Everyone was so different, yet we were like a family. A crazy, distorted one at that.

“Zane, are you awake?” came Mink’s sleepy voice.

“Yea, you alright?” I asked thoughtfully.

“You mind if I sit with you?”

“Sure, I don’t mind” She came over and got under the blankets with me. Then she picked up my arm and cuddled up to me.

“What’s wrong? You know everything is fine.” I tried to sooth her.

“I had another dream about my old life. It keeps getting more vivid.”

“When are you going to tell me about your old life? I can’t fully help you until you tell me.”

“I can’t, not yet. Can I sleep here for the rest of the night?”

“Go ahead.”

Mink passed out about a minute later. She would always come to me for comfort. Mink was the oldest one of us all, she was eighteen. Lou-Lee, and Tyann were sixteen, Rye, fifteen, and I was seventeen.

Finally everyone was awake, slowly emerging from their sleepy havens.

“Ooo, get some action last night, Zane?” Tyann teased.

“Wish it as you huh, Tyann?” Rye called out.

“Quiet down! You know I’m not a morning person!” Lou-Lee yelled.

“Ten minutes till line up” I told everyone.

We all headed to are “kitchen”. See we lived in an abandoned warehouse, so we kind of just broke off areas for rooms. All of us ate cereal, and juice with the exception of Lou-Lee. She drank black coffee to look tough.

“Line up” I yelled out, “State your names.”

“Lou-Lee… Mink… Rye… Tyann” They all shouted.

“Whose day is it?” I asked

“Mine” Rye laughed

This is the beginning, I just started writing it out on the computer so this is what I have done

Answer 1

I seriously LOVE IT!!  I read books like that all the time, and I would totally buy a copy!!  Keep writing, you're doing great!  I love the characters and now I want to keep reading!!  Have fun and good luck!

Answer 2

This isn't a big enough excerpt for me to get the feel of the narrator, so I don't know. All I can say is just remember to make him act like a guy. You know, the ones that are tough, like to joke around, and don't mind burping in public. I hate it when a girl author makes the guy protagonist girly.

Oh, and by the way, 'yea' is pronounced 'yay'. You're trying to spell 'yeah'.

Answer 3

I can say only one thing: too much telling, not enough showing.

You dump info on the reader far too much, instead of letting them get to know the characters more subtly. And yes, 'yeah' is the word you are looking for.

Your punctuation is all over the place as well and to me it's all a bit stilted. It doesn't come across as sounding natural.

And I wouldn't be at all put off by a female writer with a male narrator-I know many people who do that and nearly all my main characters are male-but I don't think you've pulled it off very successfully here.

Your narrator just doesn't have a strong enough voice; he just comes across as rather flat and lacking in depth. Characterisation is one of the most important things in writing; you need to make sure your characters are well developed and real with interesting personalities to make a believable story.

Answer 4

sry 2 tell u this bt i really dont like ur book.

it jst dosent seem to be narrated like a boy n it its more like an essay rather than a novel. n theres no ,well,gracefulness in ur writing.

n ure not going 2 b much of a writer if ure going 2 name urself 'mrs.cullen'. writers r supposed 2 b more mature