Would you read my Dorsimbra to "Solitude"?

Question

Out on the spit, beyond the welt'ring wave

The waters, calm and glassy at my feet,

Still lie, yet safe I feel within my nave,

My universe where earth and heaven meet.

Still I ache for the mainland,

The continent to which I know I'm bound,

Bound by a stony finger

Which beckons, scolds, and tickles me at once.

In weather foul and fair I'm drawn to this

Same place; perhaps 'tis better just to stay --

It's here, my one true home, none hears me sigh,

Out on the spit, beyond the welt'ring wave.

Answer 1

This is a Dorsimbra indeed....first verse complies, last verse complies....but the middle verse....my understanding is that this verse has to be terse and snappy....and as the 'tickles me' doesn't sound right...I would jettison it.

Still I ache for the mainland

The continent to which I'm bound

(do you mean the one to which you are headed, or the one to which you are tied....or do you want us to decide here?

By a stony finger held (unless you want to use 'bound' twice)

Which beckons first then scolds.

I kept veering between two images in this poem - the first was like The French Lieutenant's Woman waiting on the headland, staring out to sea but the other image was of a church...because of the use of the word 'nave'....is there another meaning of that word?..I've checked my dictionary but can only find 'the centre of a wheel'.

The first verse is perfect in my eyes, it reads beautifully...I am a sucker for iambic pentameters and abab rhyming.

Last verse ditto...and, of course the concluding line repeat obeys the Dorsimbra rules...but, also concludes the poem perfectly.

Answer 2

It's a beautiful poem, but I agree with Jill's assessment.  The second stanza is supposed to be curt and snappy.  Other than that I see nothing wrong.  Well done.

Answer 3

This is not bad, among the better ones I've seen here. Your S-1 L-3 needed to be run over a couple of times before flattening out. Overall, I'd say good, an honest effort.