Would you read on? Is this a good start to my book?

Question

I watched as his life slipped away; the usual sparkle in his eyes gone. Forever. His hand gripped tighter to mine, one last effort to hold on. But it was useless, he was dying and this was it. He wouldn’t come back. I struggled to breathe as I cried, thick tears streaming down my face. I cried into his chest, the tears flooding his red t-shirt. I squeezed his lifeless body, urging his strong arms to wrap around me and tell me it was alright. I sat up, my body shaking with the force of my sobs. His skin had paled; his face gray, his lips blue. I collapsed against his body again, “I love you, I love you,” I whimpered. I couldn’t stop crying, my heart felt hollow. I felt totally empty as if somebody had ripped out everything that made me. He couldn’t be dead. This was all a joke. One big joke. I traced his face with my shaky finger, outlining his soft but square jaw, his dimpled cheeks, and his perfect lips. He was still so beautiful. I couldn’t control my shaking anymore; I just let them rip through my body. My throat tightened as another wave of tears came. I lay next to him on the sand, staring at the starry sky and listening to the waves hit the shore. This was all a nightmare. Just a nightmare…

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*This is the preface of my book...would this grab you? Would you read on? Can you please be totally honest because that will help me!!!!

What do you think i should change? How can i make it better?

it would really help if you answered this

Thanks*

Answer 1

Wow, this is very intriguing. It needs a bit of work, of course, but so far, it sounds good.  

Answer 2

a) i think you should replace 'let them rip through' with 'let them tear through', it has a better flow and feeling, but that 's just my opinion. oh, and it is your book.

b) it does grab me. I really like the emotion in it. It suggests it is one of those stories that lets the reader 'grow' as a person; that's my opinion. i would definitely read on

c) however, doing my final year of high school, teachers are constantly asking us to "show not tell" when writing, i.e. not expressly state something, imply it instead. You do that quite well here, actually. Really gripping, a great job!

d) one point you could work on is that awl that description when you read it twice seems to get bogged down in describing. Teachers also stress how we should add a metaphor or two, i think so it goes beyond the merely descriptive. it makes some sense to me, in a roundabout way

e) all up, it seems very coherent. from what I see its gonna be awesome. that I presume is not the tone of the book though.

Answer 3

     I think it's very good.  However, you're in danger of losing the reader halfway through.  Okay. He's dead.  You've told us, although the emotion you put into this is excellent.

     I wonder whether it would be an idea to start with how he died..  Was he shot? Was there a fight?  The point is to 'hook' the reader.  Some punchy excitement right at the beginning, and then go on with; 'I watched as his life slipped away.'  The reader will know then why he's dying.  Don't misunderstand me, though.  It's very good writing.  

Good luck

Mike B

Answer 4

As someone else mentioned I'd say put some more figurative language in like similes, hyperboles, metaphors etc. For instance how did she shake? Like an earthquake possibly? How did the tightening of the throat feel? What was this emptiness similar to?

That was about the only problem I really saw...but I only saw it when I read it the second time. I have to say this is an excellent start especially by the mystery of this person's death. Showing and not telling is a problem for most amateur writers but you clearly "showed" me.  What really got me was the emotion, I mean personally I have difficulty writing emotionally intense scenes but you did a great job. Overall, I would definitely keep reading.

I hope you keep writing.