Would you read on? opinions?

Question

Synopsis of my story:

That summer changed my life. For the better? I’m still not sure. Alex Coley had experienced love and its consequences. After her father died she never wanted to love somebody so much again. But when her mother took her and her brother on a surprise holiday her life changed. There she met the boy with the dancing eyes, the jet black hair and the dazzling smile. There, she discovered what love truly was.

Now the beginning of my story:

I was having that dream again, the one with dad. We were in the car on our way to school, Michael sitting in the back seat singing along to the radio. I watched Dad drive, one hand holding the steering wheel loosely, the other tapping his knee in time with this week’s number one hit. He caught me looking and smiled, the dimples on his chin becoming more obvious. I’d inherited those dimples, something I’d treasure now. Dad would always smile in this dream, right before it happened. Within seconds the smile was wiped off his face as a car smashed into us, everything seemed to happen in slow motion. Then everything went black, almost immediately followed by screams. Now in my Dream I would see Dad. Covered in blood, one deep cut on his head. He would walk towards me, one hand reaching out. He would always be smiling, but not the contagious smile I had grown up with. This smile was different, it was evil. Blood would then spill out of his mouth and he would crumple to his knees before he could reach me. At this point I would be unable to move or speak; I would only be able to watch my father die in front of me. He would look out at me, his eyes pleading for me to help but unable to say the words as blood bubbled out his mouth. Then he would say one word which would haunt me for the rest of my life. “Why?”

I woke up, my bed drenched with sweat. Then I started to cry. Uncontrollable tears streaming down my face, landing in pools on my bed. I wanted dad to be here more than anything else in the world, to feel his strong arms around me, to hear his laugh, to see his smile. But that would never happen, he was dead and I would have to live with it. I would have to work out a way to forget my father, forget he ever existed. I let these horrible thoughts swim around in my head. Then my bedroom door opened.

“Alex?” Michael whispered, stepping into view. He looked so innocent, something I had lost years ago. As I looked closer I could see he was crying.

“Are you okay?” I asked pulling him onto my lap.

“I saw dad again…” his voice trailed as he remembered. I pulled him closer, forming a protective ring around him with my arms. Michael had been there at the crash, seen everything I had seen. I rocked him on my lap, urging the thoughts to leave his head.

“It’s okay, I know it’s hard…but dad’s watching us, you know? He may not be in heaven, but he’s somewhere.” I said, forcing myself to believe it too.

There was a pause, an eerie silence.

“You know that’s a lie,” Michael said gently. I froze, how did I respond to that? I didn’t know what to say, I just let Michaels statement hang in the air.

“Why do you lie to me Alex? I’m only ten but not stupid, why does everyone think I’m so d**n stupid?” His voice became high as anger built in him. He pushed himself away from me and walked out. Great, now everyone hated me. I started to cry again, I didn’t want to lose my baby brother too. I cried myself to sleep that night, something I’d gotten used to in the past months.

Please take the time to comment!!! Thanks!!!! oh and im 13 years old.

Answer 1

I can not believe you are only 13!  You are quite talented.  I would definitely want to read on the rest of this story.  Your ideas and characters are well developed and very interesting.  You are also very descriptive in your writing which helps the reader to see and feel what you are writing about.  I am very impressed and hope you decide to continue this piece.  I am an adult way over 13, by the way! I hope the idea for your story is concocted and not from truth.  If not, I am sorry for your loss and hope that writing is helping you to put your life into perspective, in a positive way.  Good luck and keep up the great work.

Answer 2

wow it's amazing! I really love it and  it got my attention.  I want to know more. please write more.

good job.

Answer 3

First: in writing, an author's age doesn't matter.

Second: to answer your first question, yes, I 'would read on.'

Third: you need to do a rewrite; you need to capitalize 'Dad' all the time or never, and watch your verb tenses.

Switching to the 'he would...' in the dream sequence is unnecessary and somewhat distracting.

Suggest you state it's a dream and then let your reader be right in it with you, instead of holding the reader back a bit with those verbs beginning with 'would.'

I am very interested in Michael's reaction to '...He may not be in heaven, but he's somewhere' and your statement that you 'force' yourself to 'believe it too.'

And it's so true that 10 yr. olds are often patronized even if they are very smart.

It's a good beginning all in all. I do hope you continue it.

One more suggestion: if you are writing this in hopes of ever publishing it through regular channels, don't post it on line anymore. Too many publishers and agents check out what is on line, and if you want to sell a new piece of writing to someone, they will not buy what they have already seen for free, a piece they know others have seen for free as well.

Best of luck with this. It's definitely interesting. Good work.

Answer 4

the brother could be having a similar dream too as venting because he know Dad didn't ask him for help he only looked towards you?  It just a thought