Would you sacrifice all over again?

Question

Although most of the "regulars" here know me as an adoptee, I'm also an infertile woman who struggled greatly with not being able to have children. I've often wondered if my thoughts about the sacrifices one would make for her own children are skewed because of my infertility.

So, my question is for people who are parents (adoptive or not.) Did you have to sacrifice anything for your kids? If so, what sorts of things and would you do it all over again?

Thanks for any and all insights. At 43, I'm thinking about my infertility again, and how it has affected my life. Being on this forum has probably contributed to me thinking about it more, too.

Answer 1

Ok first off there is nothing wrong with you!!!!! Being fertile is not all that it is cracked up to be!!! I am very fertile and on new years day I got pregnant and I thought that I would miscarry like I had all the other times I had one single miscarriage and I miscarried a set of twins!!! Back to my pregnancy on new years I was scared to death and once I got to my 5th month I was relieved about 1 wk later I went in for my ultra sound and they crushed me!!!! The Drs told me that my son had a birth defect called CDH Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia You can look it up on this site www.CDHAWARENESS.COM and www.BREATHOFHOPE.COM Needless to say I gave birth to him on Oct 2 2000 and he stayed in the hospital until God decided to take him home at the age of 36 days old on my anniversary I was with him morning noon and night I never left his side I was crushed and I still am!!! I have since had 2 boys and a girl and I just adopted a little boy and I feel the sme towards all of them none of them are different. One good thing that you have going for you is that you can appreciate your babies that you have given a better life too where a lot of moms take there babies for granted where as you know the importance of them and there love and how much they need to be loved and appreciated!!!!!

Thank you for being an adoptive parent you are a strong woman and deserve a pat on the back!!! You have saved alot of babies from dieing or having a bad life.

I hope that this cheers you up and I hope that my story has helped you you can see my sons story and pics on www.myspace.com/beddy_3

Answer 2

Of course everyone gives up something either now or for in the future when they have a baby, wether its not shopping as much or not being able to get out there and do the course or job you want, sure theres always childcare, but a child makes it that much harder, i knew what i was giving up when i got pregnant, and i still would NEVER take my choice back, as long as i have my son im happy, and now that hes able to crawl and sit im putting him in childcare to do a hairdressing course, just because your giving something up doesnt neceseraly mean forever ;)

Might i add, that no matter deep the sacrafice you make is, your child will replace that with sooo many wonderull and exciting things, theres always new milestones and learning points and the joy and happiness from watching my son crawl or stand or say mum and dad for the first time, is nothing that you can get from any job no matter how long youv wanted it or how much it pays!

seriously Mom5grlz you should write a book about what you ahve been through you could help alot of young and older females, i havnt been through that myself but i would still be the first to go and buy that book, well done for surviving all you have, your an inspiration to mothers around the world!!

Answer 3

I've sacrificed a TON of sleep; lots of money; time to myself; and myself as a priority.  

BUT

I've gained so much by being a parent.  The list is practically endless.  And yes, I would sacrifice it all again- but now my first priority is my son- would he want a sibling or to stay an only child?  I'm still deciding if I should adopt again... and I've even posed this question to YA to help me consider all options.

Right now I am not financially able to ay for two children's worth of day care and even when my son gets into grade school, I will get to chose between private or public school...  Is public school a sacrifice for my son if I adopt again and can't afford private because I'm paying for my other child's daycare?  

I wish you the best. Kristy

Answer 4

i gave up everything for my daughter and later my other children.

i bailed out on every dream i had for myself to make sure i was working to support her.

when i met my husband i took on his 3 children, one which is bipolar, when their mother decided "they were too much hassle". we have had custody of them for 8 years now. my family wasnt happy with that choice, so i walked away from them for 2 years, until they got it through their heads i was going to raise them with or without them.

i willingly and knowingly gave up all the aspirations i set for myself, and i would do it all again. my children make me crazy, but i love them, any sacrifice i have made for myself was worth it.

Answer 5

I was born with  a medical condition called a bladder extrophy. This means my bladder was on the outside of my body. It was put back in place when I was 6 months old. I never had the proper control of my bladder so when I was 6 yrs old I had to have a urostomy. My abdominal muscles were very week and my bladder ended up prolapsing (falling out) when I was a teenager. It was surgicaly removed and I was told I could never carry a child full term ad that a pregnancy would ba a danger to my health. I also have kidney problems so a pregnancy would put too much of a strain on my kidneys.

I ended up getting pregnant when I was 17. I was taking the pill and had used a condom. The Doctors wanted me to abort my child becasue of my health issues. I had done everything possible (besides abstinance) to prevent a pregnancy. I am not a very religious person, but I felt I was pregnant for a reason.

I was in my senior year of high school and had scholerships for college. I wanted to work with abused children. Because of my pregnancy, I had to quit school because I was on bed rest by my second trimester. I missed graduating with my friends and had to give up my scholerships. My son was acually born on what would have been my graduation day.

I never felt like I sacrafised anything though. I had it in my head that this was Gods plan. My first-born is now a Freshman in college. He is majoring in Secondary education with  minor in Special education. In a way, he is following my dreams of working with children.

EDIT: I did end up getting my GED and went to college, but it was part time while working and raising my children. I think I sent a prety good example to them by showing them you can accomplish anything with hard work.

Answer 6

I've about run the gambit.  Teen mom, secondary infertility and adoptive mom.  Of course, I've sacrificed for my children, all the way though.  I have no regrets.

ETA: Kristy, the RIGHT public school is not a bad choice for your children.  Public doesn't always mean bad.  There are some public schools that I wouldn't send my dog to, but others are very good.

Answer 7

I am a mother of 4 (2 singletons and a set of twins)  - I sacrifice everything for my kids and I am way ok  with that ! One thing that we sacrifice is finances / buying stuff that my husband and I want. I am a SAHM, so we are a family of 6 on 1 income. We pay bills and buy for the kids. We budget and do whatever to make ends meet and make sure that the kids are happy. If they are happy, we are happy.  There are more things, but I guess that is the major one.

Yes, I would do it all over again, a million times!!

Best of luck to you !

Answer 8

Laurie,

I don't have time to give this the sort of answer I would like to give, but I wanted to answer anyway as your question and especially some of the answers have touched my heart.

I am also 43. My infertility journey is more one of loss and grieving. I had an ectopic pregnancy come to crisis on my 37th birthday. I had been so happy to be pregnant and I was completely slammed with grief. There's a lot more to that story, but this is not the place... I went on to have at least one more ectopic pregnancy and at least 2 miscarriages too early to tell. And I got caught up in the whole fertility treatment thing and ended up with an ivf miscarriage also.

Anyway, what I want to say is that I feel for you, and I think that in some ways my journey of loss and grief was easier than straight infertility. I had something to attach my feelings to--the loss of my babies--and I think that is easier than mourning not getting pregnant. And as much as early pregnancy loss is discounted, it isn't nearly as much as intertility.

I wonder about how the losses of infertility and being adopted interact for you. Both are losses at one's very core, but both are glossed over by so many as unimportant.

Anyway, to answer the question you actually asked:

I suppose I have "sacrificed" a lot as a parent. Free time and spending money and sleep of course are almost a given (though the latter seems a bit more sacrified to Y!A? of late (and I do mean "late")). We went to a lot of concerts and plays before we adopted, and when she was a baby we could take her, but she got too verbal and so we have been lying low for a few years, and I do miss it. And I don't have nearly the time to read that I used to, and reading is pretty much who I am. The biggest thing, I guess, is that I really never have time "to myself." I am still by myself sometimes, but I still know there is always someone dependent on me, so my time doesn't ever feel like just mine.

But the thing is, I just don't think about all that stuff. Okay, I do think about it, but I'd never really thought about it as a sacrifice. It kind of just happened. And that is kind of amazing to me, thinking back, because I really did worry about this before becoming a parent. I even asked my boss (we are both librarians) if she still got to read after becoming a mom--and she reassured me that she made time. But after I became a parent (my daughter was 14 months old and VERY clingy) it was just almost instantly all about her. It was a huge adjustment, I'm not discounting it, and I'm sure there is a lot I'm forgetting, but really the sacrifice has never really felt like one.

Wishing you all the best,

Andrea

Answer 9

So many women know the joys of raising (a) child/ren and know the sacrifices that they have gladly made for them. And yet we see all of the time how women here and elsewhere tell young expecting mothers that they will be sacrificing their youth, freedom, education, etc., if they decide to parent.

I did get a bachelors degree - 21 years after surrendering my only child for adoption. I don't think that my education holds a candle to experiencing life with my son. Freedom? I had the freedom to wallow in unexpressed grief for years. Youth? It passes one way or another, why not spend it with the person that you brought into the world.

I don't know if I am infertile or not, I never wanted to have another child after losing my son. In fact, I was terrified of becoming pregnant again because I thought that I didn't deserve to have another child. However, there were many times over the last 20+ years that, as I've thought of my son, I also thought that I would have been a good mom, how much I would have enjoyed it, how much I would have grown from raising a young man and the pride I would have felt for both of our accomplishments. I still think I would have done fine, but I'll never know.

Young women need to be encouraged to take the challenge of raising their children. It is the responsibility that will help them grow, and many of them do have the potential to grow to be good moms.

I would never sacrifice the opportunity to raise my own son again. I would never suggest that a young woman choose that route.

I know this answer is a bit different than what you were looking for, but it is another angle of adoption.

good question!

Answer 10

Like many of the others here, I have sacrificed sleep, career, $, and other "wants" for needs.  When I chose adoption over fertility treatments I also made a sacrifice there...biological children.  

If I hadn't adopted, if I chose fertility treatments or if pregnancy happened "magically" sometime in the four years I tried, there would have been another sacrifice...knowing and loving my adopted daughter and the life experience I have gained from adopting her and being her mom.

Would I do it all over again?  YOU BETCHA!  I love and adore Emily and I cannot imagine a future that did not include her.  I would go through EVERYTHING all over again if thats what it took to have her in my life.

Answer 11

The only thing that I was faced with sacraficing was my life. As most know, befora I had my daughter I had a partial molar pregnancy, and a miscarriage before that. When I got pregnant again a doc told me that I needed to terminate because if the high risk to myself. They said that by the time they could be sure it was okay, that if it were another molar pregnancy it could be too late.

I never actually considered terminating. She was worth the risk. Because of scaring I had problems with the placenta. I needed a blood transfusion and remember being so close to death. I decided that I couldn't risk her mom to have another baby.

If there were 1 think I wish I could have more of it would be sleep. My duaghter sleeps like 5 hours a night.

Answer 12

I am a mother of two and there is nothing on this worl that I wouldnt sacrifice for them. I am their mother and their protector and nothing will change that, blood or no blood. My kids are mine by blood, but my love is stronger than my blood.

I wouldnt say that I had to sacrifice anything that I can not reclaim such as my nursing studies, which got put on hold. I dont count that as a real sacrifice. I can do that later in life.

Answer 13

It took me awhile to answer this one.  I think the biggest sacrifice is the losing of my rational mind and I would definetely do it again.

Raising three boys alone was a struggle financially (no child support) and emotionally.  I so wanted to be there with them but was forced to either go on assistance or stand up and be able to show them (by example) that obstacles in their lives could be overcome.

On a $9 an hour job paying $400 + for insurance a month didn't leave much left.  Four nights a week attending college full time after working eight hours with special needs kids.  Having to have extended family be there for them (sports games/ special awards for academic achievement) when I couldn't be.  Making sure they didn't work during high school and them enjoying it - oh yea - my second said the night before graduation.. he wished he could do it all over again.  That was a HUGE victory for me... Now he's in nursing school and working full time.  

Coming head on with my exes alcoholism and the generations that the disease has taken down - I was determined that it would not come down another generation.  THAT was another victory and blessing for me.  Two out of three have escaped - but still working on the third...

I'm not saying I sacrificed (they didn't ask to be raised in a single parent home) - but my kids sure did... and they or I would not have it any other way..

Answer 14

Mothering is all about sacrifice and there are too many to name, but they come almost minute by minute. Sacrifice in the form of small things like a good nights sleep, or a career delayed for years. The thing is that once you are a mother you WANT to sacrifice.  You would give your life for the little imps who can take you from rage to pure joy in a matter of seconds.   My kids can drive me crazy, and life with three (almost) teen girls can be insane.  But you learn to thrive on the insanity and count it a blessing.  I wouldn't change it for anything.

Answer 15

I gave up regular date nights with my husband, fabulous vacations as a couple, my prebaby body (although with a littler determination I am starting to get close again), partying every weekend with friends, my job, the dream of buying our dream house at this time since I gave up job, chances of getting out of debt.  

Would I do it again?  ABSOLUTELY!

Answer 16

Laurie,

Infertility is a loss.  As any other loss i'm not sure if you ever fully "get over" it.  I am very sorry for your loss.  

Still not feeling the best but i had to answer this question cause i was not satisfied with some of the answers.  Sure i've made the average motherly sacrifies, money, time, sleep, etc.

Some deeper sacrifices i have made are:

1)Had a degree in wildlife ecology and wanted to work at yellowstone national park or the Grand Tetons.  That was my second dream first being motherhood.  When we adopted a bi-racial  baby, i knew that dream was over. Almost everyone there is white and i had never thought about that before.  My daughter has to see herself reflected in her community.  It was hard to give up but it was what was best for my daughter.  Now i plan on going back to college and getting a second degree in something.  I'm still searching for my passion.

2)I was pretty content living in denial with my family.  The abuse wasn't that bad, it only happened cause my father was drinking and its not really his fault.  Then i became a mother.  Flashes kept coming back to me.  Things i had tucked away deep inside.  I felt this overwhelming need to protect my baby from them.  Then while i was pregnant and sleeping my father crept into my bedroom and masterbated over me.  My husband did not come with me on this visit.  I grabbed my baby packed up and never looked back.  I divorced myself from my father.  In return, my mother, brother and sister all divorced themselves from me.  I lost my whole family just months after motherhood.  As nasty as they were for some ungodly reason i still miss them at times.

3)  I am now suffering a rare auto immune disease.  It is life threatening.  At a moments notice my airways could close and i would stop breathing.  I fight with my doctors constantly.  I refuse to be hospitalized.  It freaks my kids out too much.  I was in convulsions, face grey, lips blue, foaming at the mouth, taken away in an ambulance and back home within an hour to let my kids know i'm okay.  I refuse to take medications that would help to keep my airways open but mentally i'm not there.  

Those are the big sacrifices i've made.  To be honest they don't feel like sacrifices its just what mom's do.  You put your kids needs infront of your own. My dream job is nothing compared to my daughter.  I had to snap out of the denial to protect my kids and make sure the abuse ended with me.  Nothing will stop me from being a good mom to my children not even some mysterious disease.

i've shared more than i normally would but i wanted you to feel the actual depth.  I would lay down my life for any one of my children and not think twice about it.  I would suffer thru any pain just to have one more day with my girls and I would go thru it all again just to be called mom by five beautiful girls.

Answer 17

Absolutely without a doubt.  I would sacrifice about anything for any one of my three children.  That is part of being a mommy!

Answer 18

As a 43 year old infertile woman who has fostered for many years.  I would suggest trying to come to terms with your infertility........I now think of it as a blessing.  It frees you up to direct your life in a different direction.  Parenting is tough.  It can be awful.  It can be extremely rewarding.  It's not the only path in life.  Free yourself up to allow yourself to blossom in other areas.